Q&A pain during penetration
Sometimes when I have sex with my husband it feels like his penis is going too deep and hitting something inside me that hurts. This happens mostly when I’m on top or if we do it doggy style and the pain is really sharp. His penis is normal size and I have had sex before him with a bigger penis that didn’t hurt. Can you help me?
Thanks for your question! You are definitely not alone with this concern as I hear it often from women. It feels like his penis is hitting something because it is. It’s hitting your cervix. An interesting fact that many people don’t realize is that when a woman is aroused, her cervix/uterus actually lifts. This lifting is called “ballooning” and it adds length to your vagina making room for deeper penetration. So if deep penetration is hurting you I suspect that you are not adequately aroused when you have sex. One of my favourite things to demonstrate, during a private orgasm coaching session with a woman, is this cervical lift. When she first puts the dildo inside her vagina it will usually only fit half way. I put a mirror in front of her vagina to show her this and, after she stimulates her clitoris for awhile, I bring the mirror back so that she can see that the dildo is now all the way in. Most women are blown away by this.
It’s a sad fact that many women are having sex when they aren’t adequately aroused. If you and/or your partner take enough time to touch your clitoris before penetration, this pain won’t be a problem. Having deep sex – before your arousal is sufficient to lift and move the uterus and cervix out of the way – is going to hurt. The key to pain free penetrative sex is understanding that it takes a woman 20-30 minutes of adequate clitoral stimulation in order for her to be fully aroused.
Once a woman is aroused positions where she is on top or behind are great for penetrating that deep place. In fact many women talk about how amazing deep penetration feels and they like the feeling of the head of a penis gently nudging their cervix. Deep penetration also feels fantastic for the man because it’s almost like his penis has entered another room. Being deeply penetrated while at the same time stimulating your clit externally can make for one of the most powerful orgasms that you will ever have. If you are trying this during doggy style make sure that you have something like a couch to lean on so that you can comfortably free up one hand.
I recommend that you take the time to show your partner how you like to be touched before and during penetration. Teasing and touching a woman until she can’t take it anymore and needs that penetration seems to be a lost art. I think we as women can and should do our part in teaching it. If he isn’t patient enough or doesn’t know how to touch you the way that you want, then you can do it to yourself while he watches. Hopefully he will learn something and you will get the arousal you need for that deep spot.
Let me know how it goes.
Last week I posted a picture link on my fb page “Embracing Pleasure” that included a blog post http://natashasalaash.com/i-want-to-go-deeper-into-me/ headed by an artistic photo of me with my nipple exposed. Facebook removed the post citing their nudity standard of “restricting images of female breasts if they include a nipple.” If I wanted to repost the link I needed to keep the picture out of it, or cover the nipple in the photo. I knew about this policy before I posted the link but I was kind of hoping that it would go by undetected. Unfortunately someone reported it.
Yes my nipples feel sexual when touched or pinched but so do my lips, my neck and my back. In fact any part of my body can feel erotic at the hands of a lover. But as a mother of 5 my nipples have served purposes far beyond the sexual. I breast fed my children for a total of 10 years with these nipples. For 4 of my children my nipples served as the passageway to their only source of nourishment in the first 6 months of their lives. One of my children was adopted as a toddler and I breastfed her to encourage our bonding. To this day she and I both love that, even though I didn’t carry her in my stomach, I was able to breast feed her.
Annoyed by societies’ tendency towards over sexualizing the top half of the female body, I am posting this picture in the hopes of pointing out the ridiculousness of the unequal standard placed on women’s nipples.
FREE THE NIPPLE!!!
I’ve written this in an attempt to describe orgasm techniques that I have developed from hours and hours of practice alone and during partner sex. When I first began this sexual awakening I found it difficult to understand techniques that were explained in technical terms. I knew that I was supposed to breathe, squeeze my vagina and move my hips and that there were reasons for doing all of these things, but it just didn’t make sense to me to look at my body and my orgasms as a machine and a product that comes from it. My vagina isn’t an “elevator” that needs to lift up and down as some doctors would say. I understand this concept and why this description may work well for some, but this kind of teaching breaks my heart a little bit.
I’m not teaching mechanics. I am encouraging women to look at their body, pleasure and orgasms in a different way. A way where I explain kegals in terms of drawing sexual energy deeper and higher into your body with every squeeze. Where body movement becomes instinctual and is guided by the movement of your hands, where touch becomes a medium for opening up parts of yourself that were closed, and where breath is the life blood of your orgasms.
This intimacy with myself has become my spiritual connection with a higher power and that higher power IS my relationship with my self. Through my orgasms I connect to my body and the world around me in a way that I never knew was possible.
I want to go deeper into me.
Pleasure follows my fingers as they trace imaginary lines over the curves of my body. The more I touch the more I can feel and, with this touch, my pleasure becomes a memory that cannot be forgotten. I make endless discoveries with my fingers – and much like the anticipation of opening a gift – everyday I look forward to discovering what this touch will open up into me.
Leaving my mind and entering into my body I surrender to the feel of my hands on my skin and begin to breathe deeper – more fully. My breath is waking me up from the inside out. Fingers softly touching my thighs my body shudders as currents of sexual energy are waiting to be released. Already close to the edge of an orgasm I’m not ready to let go just yet. I want to go deeper into me.
Following the muscles and contours of my skin my fingers begin to move in a spiral pattern until my hips, unable to stay still, join in. Lured by this circular movement the rest of my body follows and I keep focus on the feel of my fingers on the outside and the flow of my breath on the inside. This is an intimate dance with myself and my touch and my breath are leading the way.
Close to the edge of orgasm once again, yet still unwilling to release the powerful energy flooding into my body, I slow down my breath – drawing it in deeper. Teasing myself with my touch – I give it, then pull it back. Every time I lift my fingers off of my body, the air on my skin draws them back – like an echo calling out for more. I want more of this pleasure. I want more of this touch. I want to open this pleasure up INTO me.
Squeezing the muscles in my vagina I visualize this energy of mine and draw it deeper into me. Up, up, up I pull it inwards until my whole body is filled and alive with the pleasure of myself. Harder now my fingers move on my skin, pressing into the energy that is wanting to explode out of me.
Right on the edge now I just don’t want to let it go. I want to know this place. I want to see what other unopened treasures are waiting here for me. My fingers seek out untouched skin as I deepen my breath and quicken my body’s movements while squeezing my muscles faster and pulling upwards. I’m drawing this energy up higher. Into me it comes.
Overwhelmed now with what I see before me I know that it’s time to let go of this edge. I crave this surrender yet I struggle to hold on. Letting go of the edge means letting go of the control that holds me the rest of the time. Orgasms are my ultimate surrender.
Holding my hand between my legs I moan loudly and let go, and from deep inside of me my muscles contract and release. Each contraction sends off violent and intense waves of pleasure as the energy, that I had pulled up into me, is let go from my body. Waves crash over and over into me, turning my moans into laughter as I press harder against my pussy and move my body faster – riding out this bliss. In this moment I am my orgasm and my orgasm is me. Even if someone else has given it to me, it comes from my power, my strength, my wonder and my pleasure. Knowing this empowers me.
Flushed and sweating I fall back – body shaking from the last waves pulsating through me. I feel alive, awake and open. In awe of my body, my sexual energy, and my pleasure, my hands begin again to trace the lengths of my hips leading to my core. My breath catches as I build towards the edge again…….but I’m not ready to let go just yet…..
I want to go deeper into me.
When I masturbate my clit seems to be numb and there is hardly any sensation at all when I touch it. It starts off okay but then after about ten minutes it’s like my clit just gets bored and shuts off. I can get orgasms from penetrating myself with a dildo but they are short and more like tension orgasms. I want to learn to have deeper orgasms from my clit. Can you help me?
Yes I can help you! First of all I want you to know that you are not alone in this. Many women approach me with this same problem. A clitoris that is non responsive is a clit that hasn’t received enough attention. Your clit needs to be awakened by your own gentle touch. Through regular, soft touch she will begin to respond but it is a process that takes time and practice – and lots of it!
I suggest that you begin by taking coconut oil, or your favourite lube, and softly touching your entire vulva. Touch your inner and outer lips, the entrance to your vagina, pubic mound, and thighs. Brush past your clit every now and then – to let her know there is more coming for her – but don’t try to directly stimulate her. Don’t skimp on time for this. Allow for a half an our of just soft touching and do it often – while watching t.v, before falling asleep etc.
Your clitoris is much more than just the external glans that you can see on the outside. It extends deep inside your body as demonstrated in this short video. It is important to understand not only the external structure of your clitoris, but the internal as well. You mentioned that you can get orgasms from penetration alone. All orgasms come from indirect or direct stimulation of the clitoris. This means that a “vaginal” orgasm is also a clitoral orgasm. With practice you can learn to stimulate yourself externally and internally which will lead to deeper and more intense orgasms. The more you touch your whole vulva, the more your clit will wake up and learn to respond. By touching the surrounding area you are teasing your clit out. With practice the pleasure from this touch will become so intense that you will know exactly when it is time to touch your clit to induce an orgasm.
Another thing that I want to mention is that it sounds like you are putting pressure on yourself to perform. Any time we feel pressured in sex – solo or partner – it creates a kind of performance anxiety. You might think that anxiety is a big word and that it has to mean something huge. But the way sexual arousal works is that it engages both your sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems. One is responsible for expending energy and the other is responsible for relaxation. Arousal requires BOTH systems to be functioning in order for orgasm to happen. You cannot make yourself feel relaxed.
If you are touching yourself and feeling some arousal at the beginning but it drops off, the most likely reason is that you are pressuring yourself to perform (orgasm). This will never work. The clitoris needs to fill with blood in order to orgasm. At the slightest hint of anxiety your body is no longer relaxed, and in an instant the blood rushes from your genitals into your limbs preparing for fight or flight. This is a physiological response to anxiety and one that you can’t control except by finding ways to feel relaxed. For me – focusing on my touch and the exact point where my fingers are touching my skin – I am able to stay in my body and out of my head. For some it is a mantra. Through practice you can figure out what works best for you, but try to first focus on just touching for pleasure alone and not with orgasm as a goal.
Lastly you mentioned tension orgasm. This is how most women learn to orgasm as a teenager. We hold our breath, keep our body straight and apply some sort of pressure to our clitoris. To learn how to change this pattern, begin with breathing through your arousal and orgasm. I know that this sounds really difficult to do but changing this one thing will intensify your pleasure 100 times. Breath is the life blood of an orgasm.
Remember to not expect instant success. It’s the same as easing yourself into a cold swimming pool. It takes time for your body to get used to the temperature and feel of the water. Just jumping in doesn’t feel good. Your clit has been neglected and needs to learn to accept and want this touch. Make her beg for it and you will be rewarded! Everything takes time but, with practice and patience, your clit will become a source of incredible pleasure in your life. Let me know how it goes!
Enjoy the pleasure,
I am typing this through a steady stream of tears after saying good-bye to the last of the women who shared the circle with me this weekend. Where do I begin? How can I possibly define the experience that I just had? I feel like I have taken the journey of a lifetime and yet I never left this city. It was a journey deep inside myself, and I am profoundly grateful to have experienced it alongside 11 other amazing and powerful women.
Just three days before I had sat in the circle, waiting for the women to show up for the first ever Bodysex workshop that I would lead, forcing myself to stay in my breath and in my body. Anytime I am nervous or upset I instinctively begin to touch myself – my neck, my legs, my face, my vulva. This touch is my meditation and I know that with it I will always find a safe place – it takes me home. So I breathed and I touched and I thought with gratitude of the journey that I have been on these past 4 years and of all the people who have supported me to get here. I thought especially of Betty and how she paved the way for all of us, despite constant criticism, to celebrate the pleasure and power that is in ourselves. I kept thinking of her words to me “the sisterhood will always carry us through when we are in the sacred circle with our own honest “I”, and willing to share.” With this in mind I breathed and I touched and I watched the women enter.
Knowing that you are entering a room to take off your clothes -and essentially your armour – is a terrifying experience and, watching them, I thought back to my first Bodysex circle in New York. The shame and fear of having nothing to hide behind – no way to pretend that I was more beautiful than I really felt on the inside. Will anyone still love me when they see what I really look like? Shoulders down and arms folded I see the women looking grateful as they find their spot, sit down and are able to pull their knees up.
With arms wrapped around themselves in protection, we began the circle by sharing first person stories of how we feel about our bodies and how we feel about our orgasms. This beginning is always emotional as it takes a whole other level of vulnerability to be physically naked – while at the same time baring your soul. As I listen to each women’s story I see parts of myself in all of them and the love and compassion that I feel for them, is mirrored back to me. It is easy to lessen love directed at me by imagining that it is really about an image, a role or the person that I am hoping they see. But when I am naked – on the inside and out – and this love and acceptance is reflected at me, there is no way to negate it. It is love of my true self and seeing that in the eyes of another helps me to see myself more clearly. I am okay, they are okay, we are all okay, just as we are. No more and no less. Just as we are.
We share stories of orgasms, of not feeling deserving of pleasure, of fears, of ugliness, of self hatred, of eroticism, of unrequited love, of fantasies, of finding courage, of wanting, of loss, of touch. We laugh and we cry and the roots of our sisterhood begin to take hold.
As we move to genital show and tell one woman says “Somehow getting naked doesn’t seem so scary now. Can we just go back to that?!” We all laugh. Being able to look at, see, open up and understand our vulva, are important steps towards embracing our pleasure. It is amazing how many of us – even mothers- have never really looked at ourselves in this way. Comments of shock, wonder and beauty are expressed as the women realize that they are “normal” and that their vulva isn’t a wound or something to be ashamed of. For some the shame was passed to them through their own mothers’ shame, and in doing this ceremony we break the cycle of shame for our own children. We hold hands and offer hopes and wishes for our vulvas while the roots of sisterhood weave themselves in and around us making us all stronger within ourselves.
This show and tell ceremony was the part of the workshop that I was the most nervous about as I know that it is asking a great deal of anyone to open their vulva up and allow me to be close enough to look in the same mirror as they do. I wasn’t sure that I was worthy of this honour and a part of me was afraid that they would feel that way too. But in that space, touching their leg, explaining their anatomy to them, I felt worthy, and I was able to convey with absolute honesty, the beauty in which i see them – just like Betty did for me. I knew then that I can do this.
We ended day one feeling more comfortable in our bodies and easily able to walk around naked without feeling inhibited. Like butterflies slowly coming out of a cocoon the transformation of the women is beautiful to see and so many times I found myself crying with joy at the sight.
On day two I woke up feeling emotional and overwhelmed with self doubt and pressure that I was putting on myself to be the perfect leader. I’m just as fucked up as anyone else, am I worthy of this role? l knew that I was having a vulnerability hangover and that it’s normal to feel really intense emotions after putting myself out there. There is no taking it back. I am here, I am doing this, I can no longer run away. With my breath and my touch, I brought myself back into my body and shared these feelings with a friend while reminding myself that “The teacher will learn the most”…….Feeling centred I entered the circle again.
We took turns sharing how we were feeling after the emotional first day and how our nights went. Some women felt alive and elated, some had spend time enjoying their bodies and some felt raw and emotional – afraid of the conflicting emotions and the change that these new feelings might bring. Still day two is the day where we celebrate our pleasure and it just feels lighter. Looking around I see the women sitting differently. Legs extended, some spread open, breasts forward and several hands rubbing the homemade cream all over their bodies as they talk. It’s relaxed, it’s free, and with wings extending it is now time to explore the pleasure that our bodies are made for.
After an orgasm technique demo we lay back, pleasure ourselves using hands and vibrators, and are lulled by the sounds of the first woman orgasming. It’s almost impossible to not let go yourself when you hear another woman climax. Her pleasure carries me and I want that for myself. Soon the room becomes filled with sweat, laughter, tears, moans and cries of pleasure from the whole circle. In between orgasms I sit up and again am brought to tears by the beauty of the site before me. Women of all ages, from all over, pleasuring themselves together as if it’s the most normal thing in the world. And really it is. Wings spread they are like butterflies and I feel soooooo blessed to have been witness to a part of their transformation.
Afterwards we divide into two groups and each woman gets 10 minutes of loving touch from the other women. There are no words to describe this pleasure and it feels as good to touch them as it does when they touch me. We are so open now, bending over to get more oil, free in our nakedness, laughing and joking, asking about scars and marks on each other’s bodies.
To close the day we sit in a small circle, holding hands as each of us share a word that encapsulates the weekend for us. After saying our words we take time to look into each woman’s eyes and hold the gaze. This is always the most powerful part of the workshop for me and I sob with appreciation at how truly seen I feel. The words spoken are: Sisterhood, fearless, self-love, courage, free, possibilities, compassion, power, change, me, friendship, open, truth. With these words we raise our hands into the air and send our orgasmic energy out into the world in thanks to Betty for leading the way and with hopes that all the women in the world are able to be orgasmic in all that they do.
Thank you so much to my sisters:
Marilyn Monroe, Lizard tongue, Venus, Ruffles, Pea Pod, Houston, Stellaluna, Ruby, Lilly, Malificent, and Gypsy.