Q&A: How common is this? He cums, then it’s game over lady – better luck next time!


Dear Natasha,

So how common is this; during ‘foreplay’ (in inverted commas cos it’s all sex to me) nobody cums but then when it’s penis in vagina, he cums, then it’s game over lady – better luck next time! I am all for sex not focusing on penis in vagina but I don’t think that’s sex as far as he’s concerned. He always makes some kind of comment about do it yourself on the rare occasions I cum cos I don’t think he feels like he’s doing his job if I’m ‘helping’.

I should explain that I don’t cum easily, (with a partner) so I can’t just say, do this or that and I’ll cum. It takes a multitude of factors it seems and I haven’t figured it all out yet. It’s just frustrating especially when I’m ovulating cos I barely have to touch myself and I cum. We have talked about stuff before but it’s been a while, I guess we need a revisit. I don’t want to make him feel bad cos I’m sure that won’t help either. He doesn’t cum very often either so when he does I’m happy. And it sure is sad if he’s got to his age and no ones ever said anything. I just assume everyone should know but I forget guys don’t read the same stuff as we do.

From B,

Dear B.

Unfortunately from what I hear from other women it seems that this is common. What you’re referring to is called “the orgasm gap” which means that in heterosexual relationships men have more orgasms than women do. There are several factors contributing to this including emphasis placed on penetrative sex over oral sex or clitoral stimulation. This gap is telling even in the language we use for female genitals which are commonly, but incorrectly, referred to as vagina – which just happens to be the part of a woman’s body that reliably gives men orgasms.

The fact is that women’s orgasms all come from clitoral stimulation – either directly or indirectly. Only a very small percentage of women orgasm from vaginal penetration alone (3-10%) and when they do, it’s because the roots of their clitoris are being stimulated through their vaginal wall.

It sounds like your partner lacks understanding of female anatomy and doesn’t think he’s doing his job if you help out – yet doesn’t seem to want to do the work himself to get you there!

You mentioned that you don’t cum easily ‘with a partner’ which leads me to assume that you do when you’re on your own. Most women don’t cum easily and our body isn’t designed for us to cum easily. It takes around 30 minutes of adequate clitoral stimulation to fill the entire clitoral structure with blood giving a woman a full erection. Yes we get erections too! Women can orgasm with a partial clitoral erection but the greater the build up, the better it will feel. This is physiology and there’s nothing at all wrong with you.

You are very right that a good talk is needed and I’d also recommend more solo practice so that you can figure out what works best for you. You can even try masturbating in positions that you like to have sex in, so that you can get used to them when you try it with him. My other advice to you is that if you know how to bring yourself to orgasm show your partner exactly what works for you during non penetrative (aka ‘foreplay’) and penetrative sex. He may feel inferior or as if he isn’t doing his job but honestly that’s his problem. There are big expectations on guys to be able to do “it all” and it’s not always possible, necessary or even preferable. As long as you are kind and non accusatory it isn’t up to you to stroke his ego. In my experience men who have aversion to women helping themselves during sex, soon enjoy it when they see how much pleasure the women gets. Plus it frees their hands to do other things like grabbing hips or nipple play.

Good luck and let me know how it works out. It’s time to take your orgasms into your own hands!

love Natasha

Dear Pussy

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* art by Betty Dodson

I received this letter anonymously from a man who reads my blog and was saddened by the shame that many women feel about the look, smell, taste and wetness of their pussy. What a beautiful expression of appreciation for this amazing part of our anatomy. Wow is all I can say!

Hello beautiful,

We haven’t really talked as much as we should, so I fear some misunderstandings may have grown between us over time. I really want to take this opportunity to let you know what’s in my head and in my heart because I think some of it may surprise you.

Every time I look at you my heart skips a beat. I can’t get enough of that, you really take my breath away. I’ve never seen another quite like you, and every detail is a delight. I know sometimes you worry about your shape, or size, or contours. Sometimes you wonder if your lips are too big or too small, if you look better with more or less hair. Maybe you even wonder if it’s a turnoff that everything isn’t quite symmetrical. Please let me assure you that none of that is anything you should worry about, you really are absolutely perfect. The more I get to know you the more I love all the little differences that make you unique and the more beauty I see in you. I could look at you all day and never get tired of it.

I can smell you and I love it. Not from very far away (unless you’re very very excited, and what a thrill that is!), but when we’re snuggling up close your scent absolutely grips me. It’s hard to describe, there’s nothing else in the world that smells like you so trying to find a comparison is impossible. The best I can do is say that you smell like it feels to kiss for the first time, or feel a lovers hands on my body. Your smell fills my world when you’re near and turns me on like nothing else can, and it changes through the month like seasons. Sometimes it’s light and delicate and sometimes it’s heady and complex, but it’s always amazing. You may be tempted to cover your scent with perfumed soaps and washes, particularly when it’s stronger, but I love when you don’t – strawberry is nice but raw pussy rocks my socks off.

Your taste is as hard to describe as your scent, and just as unique and incomparable. Clean and pure like rain on steel, there’s nothing else like it and it’s utterly intoxicating. Different parts of you have different flavours too. Your lips and clitoris usually have a smoother, lighter taste, but when I plunge my tongue deep into you there’s almost an electric overtone. I love exploring your flavours with my tongue, finding the subtle differences and hidden deliciousness. Sometimes if you’re just out of the shower or bath I can hardly taste you at all and I miss it.

Your wetness speaks volumes to me. When I see you glistening, or feel you slick and slippery beneath my fingers, or hear the soft wet noises as you move or we move together it tells me how amazingly turned on you are. The idea that you could be “too wet” makes about as much sense to me as saying you could be “too aroused.” On days when you aren’t as wet as you’d like to be it’s a huge turn-on for me to cover my fingers in lube and gently spread it all over and around your sensitive folds.

When you feel sexy it makes me feel sexy with you. Lots of hair, no hair, a little hair in a funky design, piercings, henna, white cotton, black leather, red silk, it’s all fantastic. I’ve never seen you look anything but amazing. If there was anything at all I’d change about you it’s this: I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, touch yourself with my fingers, taste and smell you as I do; mere words don’t do you justice.

Love Always, 

A man


Q&A: Is it normal to have long butt hole hair?

Dear Natasha,

So, recently I’ve decided to stop waxing my vulva and butt hole and instead just trim my pubic hair and shave my bikini line. I’ve noticed that the hair around my butt hole is quite long, and very thin/fine. It’s very difficult to shave or trim that area, so I’ve decided, out of laziness and the pure fact that I don’t care, to just leave the hair be. I’m wondering, is it normal to have long butt hole hair? And lots of it? This hair also trails from my butt to my vulva, kind of on a side-cheek kind of deal. Is this also normal?

From C.

Dear C,

Yes this is normal! Almost everyone has hair in their ass crack and it’s a topic that often gets brought up in Bodysex workshops. On some women you can see the hair peeking out when their bum cheeks are closed and some only when they’re open. When women don’t have hair it’s usually because they wax or shave it. The problem is that many of our ideas of what normal looks like come from porn — which doesn’t portray normal at all. Women in porn shave their bodies, bleach their assholes and undergo labia plasty surgery to change how their vulvas look. Porn gives us the idea that bodies are hairless, blemish free and all “tucked” in. This is bullshit!

So yes hair trailing from your butt to vulva is perfectly normal and if you want to leave it be then do it! It’s your body and it’s beautiful as it is.

Love Natasha