It Seemed Like She Didn’t Cum When We Had Sex

Dear Natasha,

I’m a 21 year old guy whos had sex with a few different girls but haven’t had a relationship last longer than 6 months. The sex seemed good to me with all of them but I can’t tell if they like it and I don’t know what to do to make sure they do. Since the last girl I was with a couple months ago I have been avoiding being with anyone new because it seemed like she didn’t cum when we had sex. What can I do to be better in bed?

From G.

Dear G,

Thanks so much for your question. It sounds like you are experiencing something that is very common among men which I like to call “performance anxiety.” Basically anxiety about how you’re performing in bed is actually causing you to avoid having sex.

First of all I think it’s imperative for you to understand that many (if not most) women don’t orgasm from penetration alone. A woman’s primary sexual organ is her clitoris and, while it can be stimulated directly externally as well as indirectly internally, it is rare that a woman orgasms without external stimulation. This is just a fact that is unfortunately not more commonly known and accepted. So if “sex” to you means penis in vagina penetration and you don’t think she came, you’re probably correct. Because of this it is a good idea to get out of thinking that she should orgasm from penetration alone and explore other ways to help her cum.

I could give you tips on ways to touch her or go down on her and they would be helpful for sure, but as each woman is different that won’t help you as much as this piece of advice right here will. I’ve learned from working with many, many women that the most important thing you can do to be a better lover (or better at anything for that matter) is simply take your time and pay attention. Go into a sexual encounter with the mindset that you know nothing at all about pleasuring this particular person. Don’t think that something must work cause you saw it on porn, or even because the last girl “seemed” to like it. Be truly curious and watch her respond to your touch, your tongue and your exploration of her body.

It may seem like a strange analogy but think of when you greet a dog that you’ve never met before. You don’t know what the dog likes or how it likes to be petted. So you start slowly by letting the dog relax and then you try different ways of touching while paying attention to how the dog responds to your petting. Some dogs don’t like their ears touched and some do. People are the same and we all have different preferences – it’s just that men are conditioned to think that they’re supposed to be able to know everything the first time. This is bullshit! There is a chance that the woman you are with will fake and pretend that she’s enjoying something that she isn’t just to please you. This isn’t your fault or your problem and not up to you to change. Just do your best to listen and pay attention to her responses.

When we pay attention it is so easy to see the subtle movements that the other makes either to get closer or pull away from the stimulation. If you feel comfortable enough to do so you can combine this exploration of her body with questions. Touch or lick different areas and ask her which one feels better. Avoid asking what she likes as many women have too difficult of a time answering or may not know themselves. Instead ask specifically about two different kinds of licks or places to touch etc. and she will hopefully be able to say which one feels better.

A fantastic lover is simply one who doesn’t think they know everything and is willing to take the time to pay attention in order to learn.

Good luck! The fact that you’re asking means that you’re enthusiastic and that’s another quality of a great lover!


13 Things Men Love About Women That Everyone Tells Us We’re Not Supposed To

An anonymous man sent this to me and I thought it was worthy of publishing! Always great to hear from a male perspective.

13 Things Men Love About Women That Everyone Tells Us We’re Not Supposed To:

  1. When you’re funnier and smarter than us – you’re fascinating, exhilarating, and you challenge us to keep up.
  2. How you look when you first wake up – we’re like dogs, we’re just happy to see you.
  3. Your ‘tummy’ – it’s simply adorable as fuck, you have no idea, that is all.
  4. When you make more money than we do – actually we don’t really care one way or another, it’s just not a thing.
  5. How you smell after a workout – sweaty and hot and a little stinky, it’s fresh and wholesome and appealing as hell.
  6. When you snore – we don’t feel so bad if you do it too.
  7. Your labia – is this even a question? Pussies are just plain gorgeous, every single one.
  8. When you wear your comfy lounging clothes – we love to see you relaxed and comfortable, it makes us feel the same.
  9. When you belch and fart – it shows that you feel confident and safe around us, bonus points for artistic flare.
  10. Your stretch marks and cellulite – when you let us see your imperfections we feel closer to you.
  11. Your body hair – grow it how you like, or not at all if you prefer, but whatever makes you feel sexy makes us feel it too.
  12. How your pussy smells – aroma is how your pussy talks dirty to us.
  13. When you tell us about your day – or about anything and everything important to you, anytime and always.

**** written by mystery man

The Trickle Effect That Bodysex Has

Last week I woke up to the sight of my 7 year old daughter laying beside me, wrapped in a quilt made by one of my Bodysex sisters. She had made the quilt for me last year in exchange for a friend of hers to attend one of my Bodysex retreats. Since then the quilt has mostly been used in my counselling office or at my retreats — providing warmth and comfort to women when they need it.

Seeing her wrapped in such a perfect symbol of sisterhood, I couldn’t help but think of the trickle effect that Bodysex has, not only on the women attending — but on the next generation of children. Even if they never attend a workshop, the very structure and concept of Bodysex is one we rarely see examples of in today’s culture. Women supporting other women — absent of competition. Real naked bodies — not on display, but simply being. Honest, vulnerable sharing of our most hidden stories, greatest fantasies and everything in between. Shared celebration of self pleasure as our fundamental birthright. And the healing experience of non sexual, loving touch from women who actually SEE us.

Tucking the quilt in tighter I continued to watch her, hoping that her little body would soak in some of the power of the collective stories and pleasures that the quilt holds. That as she grows and becomes a woman herself she will find acceptance in her body, love of self, enjoyment of pleasure and true sisterhood.

I love you Naya <3