What Else Is There For Me To Discover, Experience And Feel, And How Can My Orgasms Encompass More Of Me?

I decided to create the Advanced Bodysex retreat when it became apparent to me that the women who keep returning to Bodysex, often do so because they want a deeper exploration. Thanks to Bodysex they are comfortable with group nudity, masturbating amongst a circle of women and have a more in depth understanding of their sexual anatomy. I believe that these things provide an essential foundation to help with confidence, self acceptance and being orgasmic, while also offering us the freedom to act independently and make our own free choices around pleasure. Once we become orgasmic and even up the orgasm gap between men and women, we often start asking the questions “what else is there for me to discover, experience and feel, and how can my orgasms encompass more of me?”

I designed this retreat with the focus on feeling more and expanding our pleasure through absorption that extends beyond our clitoris and vagina. Pleasure — unlike orgasm — is subtle, and exploring it is a non linear process that’s more difficult to define and much less goal orientated. To me exploring pleasure means abandoning the “traditional male model” of sex and thinking much more expansively. It requires being present in the moment and open to experiencing all that can be felt through the senses, visual imagery, fantasy, body awareness and a deeper felt sense of our honest yes and no in regards to what we enjoy and what we don’t. Just as pleasure isn’t restricted to the genitals, it also isn’t restricted to sex. It can be felt during mundane tasks in our everyday lives as long as we allow ourselves to open like sponges, absorbing and feeling more. Opening to absorb life around us, cultivates desire within us. 

Facilitating this retreat was difficult for me because what I’m trying to help women explore isn’t the same “deep dive” as Body Sex where you enter terrified but know exactly what you’re going to have done when the weekend is over. There is no 1,2,3 step model for pleasure and because the barriers are less visceral, I think it’s easier for our mind and negative self talk to take over. Pleasure requires a deeper presence in our bodies and, as often happens in sex, our head can fuck things up. I work with people everyday who struggle to experience pleasure because they can’t stop imagining what their body looks like and think it’s gross, or believe that they shouldn’t feel too much because feeling too much is bad, or worry about how they measure up or don’t with others. I found it interesting to see all of these fears arise in myself and other women during this retreat. While I know the answer to all of these problems is to find ways to get out of our defensive mind (pleasure killer) and into experiencing our body (the source of pleasure)  this can be easier said than done.

Betty Dodson says “The present moment is the point of power” and I think her words encompass exactly what I hoped the women could learn from this retreat. It is only in this moment right now that we can feel. We may have felt in the past and we may feel more in the future but feeling as a verb happens RIGHT NOW. I can’t make anyone feel, yet I can encourage them to do so by providing opportunities that invite them into the present moment. To do this I began by providing a framework for absorption which I defined as “the openness and ability to become deeply immersed in any experience that intrigues you,” and helped them identify ways that they currently absorb and ways that they could increase their absorption. It has been proven that the best predictor of intense sexual pleasure is a woman’s ability to become fully absorbed in the moment and that her enjoyment of imagery, fantasy and daydreaming (which seemed to go hand in hand with absorption) are also associated with peak sexual arousal. Women who are “high absorbers” and have an openness to absorbing and self-altering experiences, are women most likely to have “supersex” or “peak” sex. Going over and above (beyond ) orgasm to experience an ecstatic mind-body-spirit connection.

With this understanding in mind I provided opportunities for absorption through a partnered 5 senses exploration, creating fantasies through a “desire interview” and sharing the fantasies amongst the group. Breath work with our ideal erotic selves in mind, “mirror play,” boundaries exercises where we identified what yes and no actually feel like in our body. Partnered zucchini and finger exploration to help identify vaginal/cervical pleasure spots, proper breathing techniques and isolating separate pelvic floor muscles. Group orgasm edging practice where we repeatedly built to orgasm and grounded our pleasure with our breath until we finally let go, as well as having 4 structured masturbation circles and several other “diddles” whenever someone felt the urge. Only with Bodysex women can you be having a conversation and masturbate at the same time! 

Because this retreat is of my own creation and is very special to me, it’s the most vulnerable one for me to facilitate. As the facilitator I’m always learning and growing and it’s a bit like opening up my chest and inviting the women to step inside. To do my best to stay in the present moment I kept coming back to the questions that inspired the retreat in the first place “what else is there for me to discover, experience and feel, and how can my orgasms encompass more of me?” My answer every single time is that it has nothing to do with “doing” but everything to do with “being.” Being in the moment when I’m naked with my lover (or in a retreat full of women!) instead of thinking how my body looks. Being in the moment when I’m being pleasured or offering pleasure rather than worrying that I won’t be able to reach a specific goal. Being in the moment when something arises that’s scary or uncomfortable and letting it be a part of me too. All of this being requires me to surrender. Surrender to the moment, to being vulnerable, surrender to feeling more, to pleasure, to love, to life. 

 

This retreat weekend reminded me to carry the reminder of BEING with me everyday as I face myself, my sisters, the world and my lover with arms spread wide, legs apart — Open to absorb life around me, cultivating desire within me. 

Much love to my beautiful sisters and a special thanks to juicy Marika who helped me co-facilitate

Upcoming Spring Retreat Dates!!

I’m super excited to announce my Spring Bodysex dates in Saskatchewan and Quebec!

When I attended my first Bodysex workshop 5 years ago, I saw my sexuality as separate from who I was — not really sure what I liked or didn’t because it was so far from being a true part of me. Sex was something I offered when I wanted closeness in my relationship, and with held when I didn’t. Masturbation was in a box of it’s own, brought out at rare times when I needed some kind of relief —always accompanied with shame for taking it. When my sexuality excited me I felt a need to contain it — as if I was possessed by some foreign body and wasn’t quite sure I could trust it. When it disappointed me I added it to the list of disappointing parts of myself and pushed it away further. 

Through the process of taking off my clothes, sharing my stories and consciously practicing self pleasure and orgasm, I now understand that my sexuality isn’t a thing, an act, or a behaviour.  It’s who I am. It’s in the way I move, eat, breathe, dance, make love, work, play, touch others and touch myself. It’s in my curiosity, my vulnerability and my way of experiencing life. My history of offering or denying it negated myself in it. Today, I choose to live it.  And in living it I’ve learned to trust it because it isn’t an it at all. It’s me. 

 

 

It’s Not About Feeling Better, It’s About Feeling More

She’s a woman in her 50’s,
lying naked on my bed masturbating.
Never having orgasmed before she’s come asking for help.
Sitting beside her I watch her body move as she touches herself,
clearly enjoying the pleasure.
The skin on her chest starts to flush
telling me she’s close to orgasm.
I wish I could capture this moment so she could see how beautiful she looks,
but I stay still, not wanting to disturb her.
As the flush on her chest begins to climb to her neck I notice her crease her brow.
Leaning forward I softly touch her face, guiding her to soften too.
I’m scared” she says. “I don’t know what it’s going to feel like.”
“I’m here with you” I say. “Your pleasure looks so beautiful on you.
She starts to cry and continues to masturbate,
the flush on her neck now covering the lower half of her face.
The sounds of her orgasm fill my room, followed by the sounds of her sobbing.
Smiling through my tears I think “this is what half a century of release looks like” and I’m grateful for the honour of being there with her. 

It’s not about feeling better, it’s about feeling more.

Sometimes I’m afraid to look
because I don’t want to see the
pain she holds tightly behind her eyes.
I fuss around her, caring for her in other ways
not quite trusting my own ability to cope with it.
Knowing that this isn’t right and that I can’t avoid it any longer,
I look — really look — feel her sadness, and begin to cry.
At the sight of my tears,
she turns away — not wanting to see my pain.
We can do this. I know we can” I say to myself,
and I continue to look at her until she turns back to look at me.
Holding each other, we cry.
We are doing this. 

It’s not about feeling better, it’s about feeling more.

She’s sitting across from me in the circle
beginning to tell the story of her past trauma and pain.
As the words fall out of her mouth,
her chest heaves then collapses while her eyes plead with me to rescue her.
The woman beside her looks at me as well
motioning with her own eyes for me to do something.
My eyes lock with the woman sharing and
I reassure her — without words —that I’m here,
she’s a survivor and she doesn’t need rescuing.
We’re holding space for her.
Taking a deep breath in, and then out,
I watch her body slowly land on her exhale.
Her chest lifts and she continues her story. 

It’s not about feeling better, it’s about feeling more. 

I’m on my back lying under him,
our bodies moving and breathing together,
like a circle, in and out, around and around.
His eyes don’t leave mine and I wonder, for a second, if he ever blinks.
What does he see when he looks at me in my pleasure?
Is it okay? Am I okay?
I feel heat and energy rising from my vulva to my chest
and I breathe into it,
feeling full — over filled.
I’m going to cry” I say embarrassed, “but it’s not bad.
And I do. I cry through my pleasure while he holds me,
breathing in the air that I breathe out. 

It’s not about feeling better, it’s about feeling more. 

The Wisdom of Our Self

I received an email the other day from a woman who had questions about her body, orgasms and pleasure response. I love answering these questions and am always happy to do it, yet our exchange reminded me of how much can’t be taught.

I think it’s easy to imagine that others have the wisdom we need and that if we attend certain workshops or sessions, read specific books, or listen to the right podcasts, we’ll find the answers. It’s true that there are many facilitators and teachers who have much to offer and that through listening, reading and asking questions we can learn and bring awareness to aspects of ourselves that we hadn’t recognized before. I’ve learned from many teachers over the past several years and yet what always stands out, and what I’m continually relearning, is that the answers are with in me, not with out

Pleasure, orgasm and intimacy are about connecting to and feeling from our innermost selves, and the greatest teacher we have is literally at our fingertips, in our breath, tastebuds, sight and hearing. It’s simply a matter of opening and listening to what can be felt.  This takes time, commitment, willingness and presence. It isn’t easy nor does it happen in a clearly defined five step process.

When we touch our body with the curiosity and wonder we would have if we touched a treasured lover, we will discover pleasure.

If we imagine our breath as a vehicle carrying pleasure through our body and that we can speed it up, slow it down, make it stop and start, go round in circles or drive any way we want, we will discover pleasure.

If we practice opening our legs, our mouths, our hearts and our vulvas while we touch, we will discover pleasure.

If we relax our vocal chords and let out whatever noises want to come out – from deep gutteral sounds to high pitched squeals – we will discover pleasure.

If we slow down our eating, taking small bites of our food, letting it roll around our mouth so that we can not only taste, but also feel the food, we will discover pleasure. 

If we listen to music with our eyes closed and allow the vibrations to play through our body, we will feel pleasure. 

If you are on a path to discover and explore your sexuality, I think it’s absolutely worthwhile to seek out and explore the knowledge and wisdom of sexually empowered teachers. I also believe that the greatest guides and teachers will continually lead you back in the direction of the greatest wisdom of all – yourself. 

**I write this in thanks to Betty Dodson, the first teacher on my path to discovering my sexuality, that pointed me back to my self. 

my insecurities make me selfish

*based on conversations I’ve witnessed between clients and in my own life. 

my insecurities make me selfish………..

i turn off the lights before sex so that you don’t see the parts of my body that disgust even me. 

I thought maybe you wanted the lights off because I’ve gained weight this year and my abs aren’t defined.

i don’t give you head because I don’t think I’m good at it and I don’t want to disappoint you. 

I thought you didn’t like my dick because it’s too small. 

i don’t let you go down on me because I think my pussy is gross and you can’t possibly want to lick it. 

I thought you just don’t like the way I lick you. 

when I orgasm I put my face against a pillow because I don’t want you to see how weird I look. 

It hurts me that in our most intimate moments you won’t look at me. 

my favourite sex position is doggy style but I never want to do it because you might see the cellulite on my ass. 

I thought you didn’t want to do it because my belly is too big. 

i fake orgasms because I’m embarrassed by how long it takes me to actually have one.

I thought you faked because I’m no good at pleasuring you. 

when you gave me the gift for my birthday and I complained about it being too expensive instead of thanking you, it was because I didn’t think I deserved something so special. 

I thought “I’ve screwed up again.”

i stopped initiating sex because of that time when I lost my erection and I felt like I’d failed you. 

I thought you stopped initiating because I’m no longer attractive to you. 

i don’t talk to you at work because I think you’re way smarter than me and I don’t want to look stupid. 

I thought you didn’t want to know me. 

i didn’t ask you out on a date because I couldn’t face the rejection if you said no. 

I thought you just didn’t like me. 

i’ve never invited you into my home because I’m embarrassed of it. 

I thought you don’t care about me. 

i didn’t tell you that you look nice the other day — even though I thought you did — because I was scared you’d say it back to be polite and I know that I didn’t look nice. 

I would have loved hearing you say that. 

i never ask you to do anything with me, or say yes when you ask me, because I think I’m boring and no fun to be around -unlike you who’s so interesting!

I thought you must think I’m no fun to be around. 

i wanted to bring you a meal when your mom died but I was scared I’d say the wrong thing so I avoided you. 

I felt unsupported and unloved. 

my insecurities make me selfish………….

When I’m 80 Years Old…….

I came upon these 3 questions in a book I was reading on a flight to Montreal last weekend. Without thinking of my answers I quickly scribbled them down in my book. Afterwards when I read them over, I felt very emotional, and have come back to reread them many times. At the end of the day – or of my life – this is what matters to me. <3

When I’m 80 years old, how will I answer these questions? How will you? Before you read my answers, I encourage you to answer the questions for yourself.

What was my life about? What did I care about? What do I want others to know that I did with my life? 

What was my life about? My life was about love and connection — both inwards and outwards.  With myself, my children, intimate partners, friends, circle sisters, clients and strangers. It was about everything that I could feel and know without seeing. Connection with myself for connection with the people around me. Connecting my inner layers with your inner layers. Seeking to under stand you as if you are me. Our circles converging. 

What did I care about? I cared about connections with others. Expressing my love through touch, words and actions. Getting to know the people I love enough that I can love them in a way that feels loving to them. Understanding, knowing and accepting myself so that I could understand, know and accept others. 

What do I want others to know that I did with my life? I want others to know that I did hard, painful work to know myself enough that I had something to offer me – and you – in my love. That it came from the deepest, innermost parts of me. To love in this way I had to be vulnerable and brave and honest with myself enough to know ME. This knowing became my lifes’ work. The more I was able to see me…. the more I was able to see you. To do this wasn’t easy, but it was worth it. To know me. To know you. To feel me. To feel you. And to love us.