my insecurities make me selfish

*based on conversations I’ve witnessed between clients and in my own life. 

my insecurities make me selfish………..

i turn off the lights before sex so that you don’t see the parts of my body that disgust even me. 

I thought maybe you wanted the lights off because I’ve gained weight this year and my abs aren’t defined.

i don’t give you head because I don’t think I’m good at it and I don’t want to disappoint you. 

I thought you didn’t like my dick because it’s too small. 

i don’t let you go down on me because I think my pussy is gross and you can’t possibly want to lick it. 

I thought you just don’t like the way I lick you. 

when I orgasm I put my face against a pillow because I don’t want you to see how weird I look. 

It hurts me that in our most intimate moments you won’t look at me. 

my favourite sex position is doggy style but I never want to do it because you might see the cellulite on my ass. 

I thought you didn’t want to do it because my belly is too big. 

i fake orgasms because I’m embarrassed by how long it takes me to actually have one.

I thought you faked because I’m no good at pleasuring you. 

when you gave me the gift for my birthday and I complained about it being too expensive instead of thanking you, it was because I didn’t think I deserved something so special. 

I thought “I’ve screwed up again.”

i stopped initiating sex because of that time when I lost my erection and I felt like I’d failed you. 

I thought you stopped initiating because I’m no longer attractive to you. 

i don’t talk to you at work because I think you’re way smarter than me and I don’t want to look stupid. 

I thought you didn’t want to know me. 

i didn’t ask you out on a date because I couldn’t face the rejection if you said no. 

I thought you just didn’t like me. 

i’ve never invited you into my home because I’m embarrassed of it. 

I thought you don’t care about me. 

i didn’t tell you that you look nice the other day — even though I thought you did — because I was scared you’d say it back to be polite and I know that I didn’t look nice. 

I would have loved hearing you say that. 

i never ask you to do anything with me, or say yes when you ask me, because I think I’m boring and no fun to be around -unlike you who’s so interesting!

I thought you must think I’m no fun to be around. 

i wanted to bring you a meal when your mom died but I was scared I’d say the wrong thing so I avoided you. 

I felt unsupported and unloved. 

my insecurities make me selfish………….

having cancer is THE best thing that has ever happened to me

Last year at this time I was recovering from surgery to remove an inch long cancerous tumor that was growing on the right half of my thyroid. I was still in shock and very much feeling shame about what I must have done, or not done, to get it.

I’d be lying if I said that I don’t still carry some of that shame, or that it isn’t incredibly difficult for me to tell anyone that I’ve had cancer and have to see the look on their face in response. That by saying it out loud or having to put it on forms at the dentist’s office, I feel like a walking reminder of our mortality that no one wants to be reminded of. That I don’t dread having to share the story with a new lover or partner and wonder if they’ll still love me. That I don’t question what awful thing I did to deserve this, or wonder if I’m a complete fraud for talking about self love when I’m obviously failing at it or this wouldn’t have happened to me.

All of these stories are a part of the current layers of shame that I’m ever so gently peeling off these days, and yet what woke me at 4:30am this morning wasn’t shame, but rather gratitude.

Having cancer is THE best thing that has ever happened to me. I know it sounds cheesy but it’s like I’ve been shown the value of my life and now I get to really LIVE it.

I can live enthusiastically and wholeheartedly in all things that I do. 

I can choose to care about what matters to me and not give a shit about what doesn’t.

I can walk naked in slow motion across a nude beach with a bunch of other naked people (at least 10 years older than me) laughing hysterically at the way our bodies jiggle when laughing hysterically. 

I can expand my work to include men who also struggle with physical and sexual shame. 

I can be the me that I am when I’m having sex alone – with a partner. Growling, laughing, crying, breathing like I’m giving birth. 

I can go to Mexico on a week long date. 

I can take my kids to visit Raffi. 

I can facilitate Bodysex retreats in other places. 

I can have the most difficult conversations of my life and come out feeling like I climbed Mt. Everest. 

I can take most of the summer off so that my children get to experience living enthusiastically with me in the least expensive ways possible. 

I can choose to be grateful for each day that I wake up knowing that I have the ability to chose my desires over my fears.

I can, I can, I can. 

And I do. <3

 

 

 

 

 

Letting My Scars Show

 

Last week I posted a pic of myself on social media, biking with my 4 times pregnant, stretched stomach showing just a bit. I’ve never received such a response from anything I’ve posted and it made me realize how much even I – who promotes body acceptance and vulnerability – have been afraid of being seen as I am. There’s still an old belief that if I’m seen I won’t be accepted – and yet I do accept myself. I guess I don’t necessarily trust others to do the same.

After the overwhelmingly positive response I received, I looked through my photos on social media and imagined myself from the outside looking in. I realized that I write about my scars but I don’t necessarily show them.

 

Here are two photos of me taken on the same day. One covering the physical marks that remind me of the beautiful beings I helped create, and the other showing them. In both I was sweaty and flushed from my bike ride and in both I felt absolutely beautiful. At the end of the day, both are of me and I apologize for taking so long to show up publicly in this full expression of myself. ❤️

A Monthly Reminder Of The Power To Create Within

A beautiful poem written by a Bodysex woman about her monthly cycle <3 Preparing for
destruction
Time to shed
the old
to make room
for the new

A wanted guest
arrived alone
only to pass through
without staying
Give it a few
days to be
noticed, then
prepare for
the disappointment
Tears are inevitable

The room
made up
to perfection
will be cleaned out
and left empty
once again

There will be
more chances
Other times
to have someone stay
at least for
a while
But not quite yet

A red tide
will end
the cycle
But with its
departure
will also mark
a new beginning

Time to refresh
Build anew
A monthly
reminder of
the power to
create within

Freedom Is…..

Freedom is…

never brushing my hair,
biking without a helmet,
sun on my pussy,
sand in my ass crack. 

Freedom is…
accepting my self as I am,
preferring my bare skin to clothing,
letting my stretch marks show,
my abundant lips dangle.

Freedom is…
experiencing my sexuality through my;
open body, open mouth, open eyes and open ears,
and realizing that these experiences can happen all day everyday,
with or without my genitals. 

Freedom is…
listening to my body and 
trusting that by simply breathing, I can handle everything I feel.

Freedom is…
choosing feeling over avoidance — even when it’s painful.

Freedom is…
Having sex with the lights on,
talking dirty,
fantasizing without shame,
saying “I’ve got one (or two or three) more in me” even if my lover is done —
and not apologizing for it.

Freedom is…
being vulnerable with people that I love,
knowing that in my vulnerability I create an opportunity for deeper intimacy —
whether they meet me in it or not. 

Freedom is…
being brave enough to ask for what I want
and not taking it personally when I don’t get it.

Freedom is…
knowing what my core values are, 
choosing to live a life that is in alignment with these core values, 
and recognizing the freedom that this alignment gives me. 

Freedom is… 
Me. 

**photo credit goes to Stiina

Nude In Nature Bodysex Pics

I then really understood the importance of being one without all our layers in nature. I had thought about how drab the landscape and sky seemed that day, and was a bit disappointed it wasn’t a green, leafy, bright blue sky sort of day. But once I saw the women and their skin against the earth they seemed to fit in perfectly, it allowed their beauty to be the focus. It was like they were the first flowers blooming this spring season.” – photographer Meghan Mickelson

At each of my Bodysex Saskatoon retreats the women have the option of getting Nude in Nature photos taken of them. For the women who choose to have them done, the rest of us support them by watching and encourageing – letting each woman know how we see her. We pay attention to and admire their unique beauty  – the contrast of a dark nipple against the back drop of the sky, the soft and inviting curve of a waist, the strength of the muscles on someone’s back, the sexy expression on a face, the presence or absence of pubic hair. We adore each other, we laugh, we cry and we carry the shared vulnerability from the circle, into the photo shoot.

Here is a small glimpse into what was captured that day :

*** All photos captured by Meghan Mickelson and shared by the women with enthusiastic permission.

And…… having fun showing some different poses 🙂