Dear Natasha,

So how common is this; during ‘foreplay’ (in inverted commas cos it’s all sex to me) nobody cums but then when it’s penis in vagina, he cums, then it’s game over lady – better luck next time! I am all for sex not focusing on penis in vagina but I don’t think that’s sex as far as he’s concerned. He always makes some kind of comment about do it yourself on the rare occasions I cum cos I don’t think he feels like he’s doing his job if I’m ‘helping’.

I should explain that I don’t cum easily, (with a partner) so I can’t just say, do this or that and I’ll cum. It takes a multitude of factors it seems and I haven’t figured it all out yet. It’s just frustrating especially when I’m ovulating cos I barely have to touch myself and I cum. We have talked about stuff before but it’s been a while, I guess we need a revisit. I don’t want to make him feel bad cos I’m sure that won’t help either. He doesn’t cum very often either so when he does I’m happy. And it sure is sad if he’s got to his age and no ones ever said anything. I just assume everyone should know but I forget guys don’t read the same stuff as we do.

From B,

Dear B.

Unfortunately from what I hear from other women it seems that this is common. What you’re referring to is called “the orgasm gap” which means that in heterosexual relationships men have more orgasms than women do. There are several factors contributing to this including emphasis placed on penetrative sex over oral sex or clitoral stimulation. This gap is telling even in the language we use for female genitals which are commonly, but incorrectly, referred to as vagina – which just happens to be the part of a woman’s body that reliably gives men orgasms.

The fact is that women’s orgasms all come from clitoral stimulation – either directly or indirectly. Only a very small percentage of women orgasm from vaginal penetration alone (3-10%) and when they do, it’s because the roots of their clitoris are being stimulated through their vaginal wall.

It sounds like your partner lacks understanding of female anatomy and doesn’t think he’s doing his job if you help out – yet doesn’t seem to want to do the work himself to get you there!

You mentioned that you don’t cum easily ‘with a partner’ which leads me to assume that you do when you’re on your own. Most women don’t cum easily and our body isn’t designed for us to cum easily. It takes around 30 minutes of adequate clitoral stimulation to fill the entire clitoral structure with blood giving a woman a full erection. Yes we get erections too! Women can orgasm with a partial clitoral erection but the greater the build up, the better it will feel. This is physiology and there’s nothing at all wrong with you.

You are very right that a good talk is needed and I’d also recommend more solo practice so that you can figure out what works best for you. You can even try masturbating in positions that you like to have sex in, so that you can get used to them when you try it with him. My other advice to you is that if you know how to bring yourself to orgasm show your partner exactly what works for you during non penetrative (aka ‘foreplay’) and penetrative sex. He may feel inferior or as if he isn’t doing his job but honestly that’s his problem. There are big expectations on guys to be able to do “it all” and it’s not always possible, necessary or even preferable. As long as you are kind and non accusatory it isn’t up to you to stroke his ego. In my experience men who have aversion to women helping themselves during sex, soon enjoy it when they see how much pleasure the women gets. Plus it frees their hands to do other things like grabbing hips or nipple play.

Good luck and let me know how it works out. It’s time to take your orgasms into your own hands!

love Natasha


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