I orgasm pretty easily by myself and when my boyfriend goes down on me. It feels good but the orgasm is just in my vagina and clit. I’ve read about full body orgasms and heard that orgasms can happen in other places in your body too and I’m curious about that. How can I have a full body orgasm?
Thanks for your great question! Many men and women have asked me the same thing and I can assure you that you’re not alone. Orgasms are the result of built up sexual energy that has accumulated in your pelvic region. The stimulation we receive or give ourselves is what causes the build up and the orgasm is simply the release of that. When you hear people mention having a full body orgasm, a “laughgasm”, “crygasm” or a “spiritual experience” when they orgasm, it just means that the built up energy has spread from their genitals into other parts of their body. This movement of energy changes the orgasm from a genital experience into a full body one.
There are several things that a person can do to encourage this energy to flow into other parts of their body, but I’m just going to focus on one of them with you. The best and most effective way to bring your orgasmic experience into the rest of your body is through your breath. Breath is the life blood of your orgasm. When we hold our breath, stagger it or don’t fully inhale and exhale, our energy can’t move freely through our body. Simply put it’s “stuck” in our genitals. When we use our breath during the build up to orgasm – and continue to breathe as it is released – the breath acts a conduit for our orgasm to move on. Just imagine a boat on land without water under it. It stays stuck. Your breath is like the water.
When I tell people this they often dismiss it because just breathing sounds too easy or not interesting enough to them. But actually staying in your breath is not that easy and takes time and practice. It can be helpful to first focus on just breathing during your actual orgasm. That alone will increase the feeling, length and pleasure of the orgasm. Once you’re able to do that, try breathing through the build up. Many of us are stuck in a teenage masturbation style that involves holding our breath and clenching our body tightly to orgasm. Both of these things inhibit the movement of the built up energy in your body so really your’e screwing yourself in more ways than one!
I hope this helps you to understand why your orgasms are mainly a genital experience. Once you learn how to carry them to other parts of your body with your breath, please let me know and I’ll help you with the next step to go even deeper.
Have fun practicing!
“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”
Last month I attended a conference that included a workshop on shame and vulnerability. As I sat listening, the facilitator shared her belief (based on the teachings of the incredible Brene Brown) that when choosing to speak vulnerably we should connect with someone who has “earned the right to hear our story.” She went on to explain that this means someone trusted — “who cares about you and your feelings enough to receive your vulnerability compassionately”.
While I think that sharing vulnerably with a trusted person is an excellent first step, in reality many times the people we need to be vulnerable with won’t always be able to receive our truth or shame with compassion and non judgement. When speaking vulnerably we have absolutely no control over the other person’s response to what we say. Because of this there are times when even though we may want to be vulnerable, we might not be ready to accept whatever response we could get. We may be too emotionally attached to both the person’s perception of ourselves and the outcome of our words. Seeing this can allow a person to step back and accept that choosing vulnerability in this situation isn’t the right choice, and that’s okay.
There are other times though where our need to speak up and be vulnerable may be related to how another person has treated us or how they treated someone else. If we don’t speak up, our hurt feelings can grow and we may end up avoiding them because of it. Depending on how much this person means to you, a decision may have to be made to either be vulnerable and speak your truth — which could result in a closer and deeper relationship — or remaining hurt with a wall between you. Speaking vulnerably carries great risks but potentially great possibilities.
For me personally there are times when my truth is screaming at me to be spoken, and even though I have no control over the outcome, and can’t be sure that the person I need to speak to has earned the right to hear it….I can’t not do it. Over and over I remind myself “It’s just my truth. They don’t need to like it or even agree with it. But it’s my truth and that’s not wrong.” To me truly being vulnerable means I do so without knowing that I will be received. It is when the other persons response is less important than my desire to speak my truth.
In order to be able to do this, I think it’s essential to connect with and honour these truths. To look at my self, my body and my stories and find a way to accept them with compassion – regardless of how others feel about them. Some of my own stories are really hard to look and I feel like they don’t reflect my character or the person I know I am. Yet they’re still my stories, and getting used to them means “sitting in them” rather than avoiding them. Sitting in them brings acceptance of them. The same goes for my body. Some parts of it don’t fit with how I think I should look, yet this is how I look. By spending time naked I become familiar with my body and the way it looks and feels. When I’m really struggling with an old story, or a feeling about my body, I imagine that my child, best friend, lover, or a perfect stranger is showing me or telling me the same story and I think of how I would respond to them and why.
As I continued listening to the facilitator speak I thought of all of the women in my Bodysex workshops or that I’ve orgasm coached, who have shared their stories and their bodies with me not knowing beforehand if I’d “earned the right.” I don’t believe for a second that they weren’t scared but I do believe that they, like me, felt that being vulnerable with their truth was more important than my response to it. I believe that when we are willing to do this we change shame from the “painful feeling or experience that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging” to a feeling of acceptance and belonging exactly as we are. And when we feel this we can choose to be vulnerable with many, knowing that there will always be one person for sure who has earned the right to hear our story. That person is Ourself.
*** photo credit to Dana Kellet