My Story: Self Pleasure

 

I was 34 when I first noticed the stirrings in my body that people call desire. I had just weaned my 5th child and my body seemed to sense that my time for nourishing babies was over. Like a magnet being pulled towards a force, my vulva felt ripe, charged and open. Up until this point sex had always been something I did for someone else’s pleasure, to be a good wife or girl friend, or to feel loved. I had never orgasmed during sex or been pleasured by anyone else to the point of orgasm. In fact, looking back, I’m not sure any man that I had been with had even tried to pleasure me. I masturbated in secret at times — just to get a quick fix — feeling awful shame and guilt that I was “cheating.” 

These new feelings of desire excited me and brought awareness to my body and caring for it in ways I hadn’t thought of for 13 years — when all of my focus had been on supporting and raising others.  I became more aware of how different foods made me feel and began to exercise and take dance classes. Curious about the near constant stirrings in my genitals, I sought out every book that I could find on desire, pleasure, orgasm and sex. I invited my then husband to read a book with me so that we could explore the activities in it together and he responded by suggesting that I read it and tell him what to do. I understood then that sharing pleasure with me wasn’t a priority for him.

Discouraged but not defeated I kept searching for a book that would help me learn, and in my search came across Betty Dodson’s book “Sex For One.”  Finally I’d found a book about sex, pleasure, desire and orgasm that didn’t require having a willing partner to practice things with. With Betty’s help I began to practice masturbating using my hands and — with patience, persistence and the help of a timer — become orgasmic in this way for the first time! Being able to bring myself to orgasm with my hands also meant that I could orgasm during penetrative sex with my partner — as long as I was willing to help myself out. Sex changed for me once I knew what worked for my body and I celebrated the fact that I didn’t need to have pleasureless sex ever again. I loved Betty’s philosophy of taking ownership of your pleasure and not waiting on or blaming anyone else for a lack of it. I became epically good at pleasuring myself and my husband enjoyed the fact that I wanted sex everyday — until he wondered if I might be liking it too much. 

When our marriage ended I continued pleasuring myself in soft and gentle ways that still included orgasm but were more focused on making love than sex. I made love to myself in front of a mirror keeping eye contact the whole time. I tried different positions, sounds, breathing patterns — exploring what felt good for me. Touching my body — in a way that I wished a lover would touch me — helped me through that time and also helped me begin to love and accept myself. Masturbation became so much more to me than a quick fix and I devoted hours of my time to it. Spending so much time intimately with myself helped me to recognize parts of my body that I hated (the ones I avoided touching) and provided me with opportunity to give those parts more love. I became my own lover, my own emotional support and my own source of pleasure. The self pleasure was good for my self esteem too as — realizing how good I felt to touch, I imagined my body would feel good to someone else too. 

My “self skills” also helped me become more discerning with new partners because I knew how to have pleasure on my own and I no longer felt like sex was what I needed to do to feel loved. I remember one situation where I stopped right in the middle of making out with a guy and told him I was done. It was a one time encounter and it became clear to me that the only way I would have any pleasure with him would be if I did it myself — which I knew I could just as easily do after he was gone. He was shocked and asked if I would at least give him a blow job which of course I said no to. (Note that he didn’t ask if he could pleasure me) The high from choosing for myself and saying no instead of “enduring” unreciprocated pleasure, was like nothing else, and once again I was grateful that learning self pleasure meant learning to take care of myself in more ways than one. That night I had incredible sex with a partner who knew just what I liked and who loved me too — ME! After that I discovered that men were usually happy that I could bring myself to orgasm with some trying to pleasure me and others not bothering to. Some were intimidated by my relationship with myself and looking back I can see why, but I was so used to having to rely only on me that I knew no other way. 

My path hasn’t been seamless and I’ve made many mistakes in an effort to untangle old patterns and beliefs around sex, worthiness and love — yet the whole time the one solid I’ve had through my journey is me. I’ve been there for myself in love and pleasure no matter what was happening or who I was with. Today I’m in a relationship with a man who’s as good at pleasuring me as I am, and I recognize it as a beautiful gift to have someone excited to explore and share with me. Having relied on myself for so long it isn’t always easy for me to receive from him and I still battle with fears of him not wanting to put in the time or effort for me. But he continues to — in non demanding and non expectant ways — and each time I respond by softening and trusting more.  As good as I am at doing it alone, it’s wonderful to have someone who wants to do it with me. 

Desire throbs between my legs everyday and I know the source and abundance of it depend on me — in my love for myself…for pleasure….for life. Like any relationship worth keeping, I don’t take it for granted and make sure to devote time alone in pleasure and love with myself often. Soft lips that swell under my fingertips. Wetness. Curves. Stretch marks. Squishy tummy. Scars. Each time I touch my body I don’t have to imagine that it would feel good to someone else, I know — because it feels good to me. 

I Birthed This Girl 19 Years Ago Today….

I birthed this girl 19 years ago today.
And in birthing her,
a part of me was born too

I became Mama.

Mama knew right from the start that even though she had other dreams and plans for her life, nothing in the world mattered to her like growing her little girl did. Their connection was strong and mama learned to watch her little girls body for clues to tell her when she was hungry, scared, tired or just wanting some reassurance. Mama learned quickly how to meet each of these needs before the little girl had to loudly tell her, and this made others sometimes question what mama was doing. “You’re holding her too much,” “She needs to learn to sleep alone,” “Just let her cry. 

Mama wanted to do right by her little girl and so she listened to what others said but the feeling in her tummy told her that the little girl knew what she needed more than anyone else did, so mama kept listening to her. During the day mama’s body fed the little girl, held her, and showed her the stillness, peace and presence that comes from being in nature. At night they cuddled together face to face, the little girl teaching her mama that she can be comfortable with eye contact, the healing power of skin to skin contact, and what the reciprocity of true love feels like. 

As she grew, the little girl taught mama many other things too. When mama tried to push her before she was ready to do something, the little girl would sit — steady as a rock — until she herself was ready — reminding mama that it’s okay to take time and do things slowly. As the girl grew bigger still and began to navigate the world without her mama at her side, they both struggled sometimes with the little girl learning that mama can’t be there for everything and mama learning it’s not all up to her to fix. 

I birthed this little girl 19 years ago today. 

Today she is a smart, strong, proud and beautiful woman that I look up to. We come to each other when we’re down or need advice. We talk about boys, love, attachment, body image, racism and the meaning of life. I’m her mama still, but we’re also friends. 

Thank you Acacia for helping me to trust myself, love without limits, be the mama I want to be, and for being the birth place for me to learn presence, intuition, curiosity, stillness, connection, vulnerabilty, intimacy and holding space — foundations of all the work I do now as a woman. I love you lambs. 

Intimacy In Sensuality

Workshop For Couples
October 19th 6pm – 10pm
2917 B Early Drive, Saskatoon
$250/couple due on registration

*max. 10 couples (welcome to all genders and sexual orientations)

Intimacy begins in your inner world, between your legs, in those sensitive nipples, in your bedroom…experimenting, exploring what is sexually exciting and pleasingly satisfying to you.– Julie McIntyre

Intimacy In Sensuality is a partnered exploration devoted to understanding and expressing sensual love to the most sacred part of each others body – your genitals. This non orgasm focused exploration will involve seeing, touching and curiously feeling both externally and internally as each person is  comfortable.

This is a group workshop guided by me, however each couple will explore privately together in the same safe space. The 4 hour workshop will include:

  • Group Introduction, guidelines and confidentiality agreements.
  • Explanations and demonstration
    * possible nudity
  • You and your partner will enter your private “cocoon” where you will remain for all of the explorations. (Mosquito nets will be hung from the ceiling around the room — one for each couple. Inside will be an intimate and comfy nest made up of a salt lamp as well as pillows and blankets that you’ve brought from home where you’ll explore each other) While silhouettes of your bodies will be visible from outside the “cocoon,” details of your bodies and what you’re doing, won’t be. We will have awareness of others in the room, however each person will be focused on what is happening with their partner and not with others.
  • Partnered genital show and tell. This is a powerful and often emotional ceremony where one at a time you will show each other your genitals and identify all the parts based on a diagram that will be given to you. You will also share feelings of shame that you may have about this sacred part of your body, and your partner will have the opportunity to express love and appreciation for your genitals and the vulnerability it took for you to be seen in this way. I will be there for support and guidance outside of your cocoon, or inside if you wish to invite me in.
  • One of you will begin as the giver and one as the receiver. The giver will begin by gently touching and then exploring the receivers body externally and possibly internally — with emphasis on genitals. This exploration will involve curiosity and touch without stimulation or goal of orgasm. Touching to feel, to learn and to express adoration. Hand outs will be provided to help the giver ask to learn and understand what the receiver enjoys and to help the receiver respond honestly as well. Emphasis will be placed on everyone being positive and supportive. Props will also be available to use for internal and external exploration: zucchinis, fruit, chocolate etc. (more details in demo)
  • Break for snack between exchange of giving a receiving
  • Partners switch roles and continue exploration
  • Closing circle/comments. Final affirmation of confidentiality agreement.

*** This workshop is focused on exploration and adoration without the specific goal of orgasm. While orgasm is an involuntary response, you will be expected to tell your partner if you are close to orgasm so that they can change their touch to prevent it from happening. Eliminating orgasm from the exploration will allow everyone to be more present and lessen expectation. You will be free to orgasm as much as you want when you go home!

*** Demos of exercises may or may not include nudity. The purpose of the nudity would be to provide clear understanding of exercises and model emotional support and safety.

Contact me with questions or to register at: natashawiig@hotmail.com or 306-241-2408

Testimonials

“I’m a 20+ year veteran of marriage, and I thought I knew everything about my wife. In an effort to continue to grow our relationship (and after 20 years, you have to seek out ways to do that) we attended the Partner Intimacy workshop this summer, and, it was more surprising that we expected.

Guys (ya, you guys… husbands/boyfriends) I can’t stress enough how valuable this type of thing is. Slowing down, taking time to communicate, and learn, you will come away with a deeper understanding of your partner, and your partner of you. It’s about observing how you feel when touched and talking about your reactions, and rediscovering what feels good to you, and to her. We giggled a bit, we could distantly hear positive sounds of the other couples around us exploring just like we were, and it was arousing, and it was fun.

Natasha put us all at ease and was a fantastic facilitator and guide. You bring your own blankets and pillows and so you have things around you that are familiar. Once you are in your own netted cocoon tunnel vision sets in to some extent and you can forget about the rest of the world outside of you and your partner if you want. You can also see silhouettes and enjoy the sense of community if you’re open to that, but you will never have to worry about your privacy if you need it. If you feel like you can’t, I assure you, you definitely can. The rewards are worth taking a chance, and you can overcome that feeling of hesitancy you have right now. You will thank one another after if you go for it.”

 


 

“It was great to just play because you don’t have to try to do it “right.”

 


 

“So much of the experience took me back to being 17 again which was so nice. Laughing together again was one of my favourite parts.”

 


 

” My husband just said “so same time next week” lol. that’s a good sign.”

 


 

“I had so much fun exploring his body freely with no expectation. Him allowing me to do so, and actually requesting we try certain things just to see how it felt to him, was very liberating and encouraging.”

 


 

“as someone who rarely ever voices his needs, if ever, I realized how unsure I was of exactly what felt best to him, and am grateful to have some new tricks in my bag that he truly finds pleasurable.”

 


 
 
“Every penis should feel loved like this”