My Body; A Love Story

**Inspired by a breast cancer survivor I worked with, who asked me to share with other cancer survivors how I helped her accept her body again. I helped her in much the same way I helped myself, so here’s my story. 

I started hating my body was when I was a teenager. My legs were too big and muscular, my breasts didn’t touch together like the women in magazines, and I knew I hated my vulva without even looking at it. I found ways to hide these things by wearing pants all year round, using my arms to push my breasts together during sex (yes I’m serious) and never looking at my vulva. As the years passed and I became a mother, I added a cesarean scar from 4 births and endless stretch marks that made my skin wrinkled to my “hate list.” I hated my body.

One day, while touching one of my five children, I wondered what he felt receiving touch that stemmed from a source that I loathed. Sliding my hands over his perfect little body, I wondered if he felt the love in my heart for him or, if he could feel my hatred of the body it came from. Worse yet, did it feel sourceless like tea pouring from an empty pot? There’s nothing I love more than my children and I wanted them to feel that love in every touch of my hand. So, I decided to try bringing the love I felt for them — towards myself, and see if I could fill up my own tea pot.  If I could do that, I would be confident in the love they were receiving from my touch. 

Making the decision was one step but the question of how to find love for my body when I hated it, was another. I thought of all the ways I showed my children love by looking at them, touching them softly and offering them kind and loving words. So (with the term “fake it til you make it” in my head) I imagined I was touching someone else I cared about, and slowly began to touch my body. It was really difficult at first — excruciating actually — and often brought me to tears. I’d avoided my body for so long and now here it — no she —  was and the depth of how little I knew her and how much I’d rejected her, was right in my face. With commitment, I touched her everyday and started to remember the stories of the scars and stretch marks and other remnants of journeys I’ve been on. 

Lines on my face reminded me of the sun in Kenya and all the beautiful relationships I had there. “Thank you my body.”

The loose skin on my belly reminded me that it was the first home for four of my children and I wondered about the belly of the mama who birthed my 5th child. “Thank you my body. Thank you Selam’s birth mamas’ body.”

I felt my cesarean scar and the lack of nerve endings across it.  Slowly, finger by finger, I replaced the shame of my body not working properly to birth my children, with compassion for what my body went through to bring me 4 of my children. What a journey we’ve been through and you’re still here carrying me. “Thank you my body.”

Years later, I discovered I had thyroid cancer and the tumor, along with my right thyroid, was removed and there was a new scar with new feelings of shame. What had I done or not done to make myself get cancer? What am I doing now that could make it happen again? Why me? Why has my body failed me? Thinking again of my children and imagining how much love I would give them if they had cancer or a scar, and how I’d feel even more love for that part of them —  I gave that to myself. I touched my neck gently and expressed appreciation for helping me find my voice that had been silent for so long. I spoke to her and under my touch, felt her soften.  

“I see you and I know you’re here even if some of you is missing. Thank you my body”

It’s been 12 years from that first time I touched myself, and now I know my body so well. She’s my best friend. She’s honest with me when I eat something that doesn’t feel right for her and she’s taught me that she likes to be seen and validated and loved too. Sometimes I get caught in the trap of comparing her to others or of wishing she looked different, and I just come back to her and how she feels under my fingers and the stories she’s carried me through. When I do this, I can’t help but love her. Thinking of how I love my loved ones unconditionally, I remind her of all the ways I love her unconditionally. I love her scars and stretch marks, the thyroid still here and the one that’s gone, and her beautiful vulva. I tell her that she’s made perfectly and that I wouldn’t want her any other way, and with my touch and my words, I feel her soften under my fingers. “Thank you my body”

Today, when I touch someone else, I don’t doubt that they feel the source of this love coming through each of my fingers. With this love, I filled my own tea pot. 

Bodysex Retreats Saskatoon SK. Canada 2022

At the end of last year, my assistant Justine and I discussed how to go forward with Bodysex® Retreats with rising costs of everything, covid unpredictability and her recent move from Saskatchewan to BC.
We discussed the option of shortening the weekend retreat to one night to keep costs down and, with neither of us liking that idea, came to the decision to uphold the integrity and care with which we have developed these retreats, and choose quality over quantity.
When I was trained to facilitate Betty Dodson® Certified Bodysex® workshops by Betty and Carlin nearly 7 years ago, the workshop format was for 2 days at 5 hours a day with participants returning to their home or hotel after each day. Inspired by my desire for a full immersion experience of sex positivity, nudity and pleasure, I built a weekend retreat around the 10 hour format. Knowing how difficult it was for me to bare my body and share pleasure with other women at my first Bodysex® I, with the help of my current and previous assistants, have spent hours discussing how to make things safer, more comfortable, trouble shooting problems as they arise and imagining ways to encourage each women to feel like she can let down her guard, surrender to pleasure and be cared for.
The care we put into your retreat experience begins long before you arrive as I hand make individual jars of organic lubricant to aid in your self pleasure practice and Justine creates her own henna paste with which she will adorn your body. Tempest, our talented caterer, takes into consideration all of your dietary needs and creates a menu that incorporates her skills, knowledge of nutrition and whole foods as well as her heart into each meal. As a Trauma Informed Practitioner, I am here for you from the moment you register and will work in collaboration with you to help you feel as grounded and comfortable as possible – while also supporting you to push your pleasure edges to create opportunity for new possibilities.
These retreats are unique in that the I am both a facilitator and a participant. To facilitate in this way embodies my view of intimacy as I continually choose to show up for and with you, vulnerably and with a generous, loving and compassionate heart.
I will facilitate 2 Bodysex retreats in Saskatoon,SK. this year. The first is April 29-May 1st and the second is October 14th-16th. If you are interested or have questions please send me an email at or follow this link for more details