by Natasha | Sep 27, 2024 | Body Image, connection, Intimacy, Raising children with a healthy sexuality, Sex and mothering, Vulnerability |
As I work with clients bodies helping them learn to feel safe in intimacy, I’m brought back to my time in Kenya learning that our roots of intimacy grow from our initial familial relationships. I sometimes wonder if instead of working with adults I should go back to supporting parents in learning to attune to their infants unique language of expressing needs. But then I realize, I’m playing a part in reparenting the infant inside each of the adults I have the privilege of touching. This story is based on what I learned from the Maasai mama’s that I think so perfectly describes the potential for intimate wisdom that can come from our earliest relationships.
Nashipai spends her days with her four month old baby Kimaren, strapped to her back while she milks cows, cooks, repairs the walls of her cow dung home, and connects with others in her village. From his position on her back he can see the world as Nashipai sees it, experiencing all that she experiences. He feels her muscles flex and bend as she prepares food, fixes walls and goes about the tasks of daily life — absorbing a sense of capability from her movements. With his little body folded fully around her back, he feels the confidence in her posture and a sense of rightness in what she’s doing. Kimaren’s body connects to this feeling and intuitively holds his own back naturally and comfortably straight against his mamas. Sometimes, when her movements become rhythmic — like when she’s mixing porridge or milking the cow — he gets mesmerized by the sensations of their shared rhythm, belly against back. The rhythm of their movement creates a hum deep inside him, something he’s later surprised to realize is there, even when they aren’t moving. Sometimes his hum will start buzzing without mama starting it, and his round little body will wiggle. Responding to his movements, Nashipai laughs, sways and twirls as Kimaren lets his head fall back, giggling with joy at these simple moments together.
Other times, Kimaren will feel a change in his mama’s movements that don’t feel free or flowy like they normally do. This happens when Nashipai is learning something new and isn’t skilled in it yet. On his perch on her back, he clunks along with her clunks, learning in time that as long as they keep going, the clunks will eventually become confident, swift and knowing movements. It’s uncomfortable getting there and he much prefers when she confidently flows, but each time it happens he gains capacity in the unknown that comes before the knowing.
When Kimaren feels an uncomfortable emptiness in his tummy, he wiggles against Nashipai’s back for help to make it go away. Nashipai, who’s learned what this wiggle means, slides him around to her chest and offers her warm breast for nourishment. Feeling the soft roundness of her breast against his cheek, Kimaren opens his mouth and begins to suckle. The empty feeling in his tummy is replaced by the warm milk and, once full, he contentedly falls asleep. This symbiosis helps him at times when the uncomfortable emptiness arises and mama is in the middle of something that she can’t stop right away. Using her soft, soothing voice she tells Kimaren in words he feels but can’t understand, that what he needs will come in just a few more minutes. It’s uncomfortable but, because she always responds, Kimaren has come to trust his needs will always be met. So he waits.
Later, he’s woken by an uncomfortable feeling of fullness and again wiggles to tell his mama. Nashipai, feeling the difference in this wiggle, responds by gently lowering him to the ground and holding his knees up to his chest. Recognizing the cue, Kimaren lets the water fall from between his legs onto the dirt underneath until his tummy feels comfortable again. Mama always knows just what he needs because she’s always listening.
Nashipai knows everyone in the village, and with Kimaren’s cheek resting on her shoulder, he gets to know them too. He especially loves to see the faces that make mama’s body get soft and warm and he notices his own body become soft and warm in response. One face in particular lights mama up so much it feels like there’s a fire burning deep inside her. Kimaren watches this face and notices the way their eyes and body open towards mama like they’re inviting her in. His heart beats faster with hers and he recognizes a shared truth between the three of them; the truth of just how special mama is. His hum hums, and even though he can’t see her face, he knows mama is smiling.
Kimaren is most curious though about the faces that make mama tense and tighten, her hum go quiet and her fire dim. He notices that their eyes and arms are closed and they look down on her instead of welcoming her in. Kimarens body tightens against his mamas in response, and when she feels that, her hum starts buzzing inside her. All the muscles in her back go solid and he feels her body get bigger with every breath she takes. Even though the face was higher than mama before, it now seems like she’s looking down on them. Kimarens body softens in response to mama’s buzzing hum, and he settles against her curves, unafraid, soaking in a deep sense of her knowledge, capability, softness and strength. Being so close to mama, Kimaren is always listening too.
At night time, while mama lays beside Kimaren in their sheepskin bed, she traces her hands over the dips and curves of his whole body. Mama’s fingers are rough from hard work, but her touch is soft and curious and Kimaren senses her own pleasure as she lingers extra long over the grooves and folds of his chubby legs and neck. His body softens more the longer she touches, and he sinks deeper and deeper into the bed. Kimaren notices his hum is constant, like the purr of a cat. The feeling he has when mama touches him this way is something he can’t understand until he recognizes it later on in life when he’s a man touching his own wife and children in the same way that his mama touched him. Skin to skin, body to body …… this is the wisdom of intimacy.
by Natasha | Sep 9, 2024 | Intimacy, Intimacy Coaching, Posts, Raising children with a healthy sexuality, Sex and mothering |
“You just plunk yourself down beside me and that makes me feel safe. Like there’s nothing wrong with me or my body. I’m just normal.”
“The way you rested your hand on my leg while you were touching me with the other hand, made me feel like you’re not scared to be close to me and that you’re okay with touching me.”
I’m a mother. I touch you with the same comfort that I touched my five babies. Carrying them on my back, breast feeding, sleeping beside them for years on end — I’m comfortable beside your body and I’m comfortable touching your body.
Legs overlapping legs.
Baby suckling my breast.
Inhaling sweet milk breath while I sleep.
Baby on my back.
Smelling sun sweat on their heads.
Covering the pee spot with a blanket until morning so I don’t have to get up.
My half asleep hands reaching in the dark to make sure they’re all still warm.
It wasn’t delicate. It wasn’t careful. It was normal life. It was getting the job done…..
Well…. sometimes it was delicate, and sometimes it was careful.
Tracing the contours of their skin with my fingers, over and over.
Feeling and learning their bodies textures and grooves like a map I never need to look at to remember.
Knowing who needs an extra hand of support today and who doesn’t, without asking.
Imagining the best possible reason for their behavior.
Empathizing with their emotions.
It’s an immersion in intimacy. It’s mothering. I didn’t learn it in any training or in any book. Others might, but for me this comfort came from living it with my children and then later learning to feel it with my own body. Mothering has been my greatest teacher.
by Natasha | Aug 23, 2024 | Erectile Dysfunction, Sexual liberation, Vulnerability |
This blog was written and shared with me by one of my clients in an effort to help other men with one of the most common issues that men come to me for. His words are honest, vulnerable and deeply self reflective.
“The work I have been engaged in as a result of our sessions and your guidance through the challenges I have been facing is deeper than I may have previously thought. I think it may in fact be life changing. My perspectives, feelings, and desires–each of these have been shifting and my mental, spiritual, physical, and emotional experiences have been responding to said shifts.”
From Boy to Man: Masculinity, Sex, and the Self
This blog is an autobiographical account of reflections on lived experiences and the subsequent analysis that showcases that for me the roots of male sexual disfunction go deeper than the physical and reach back further than the recent past or present. In what follows I will share and analyze experiences of my own life, connecting the roots of these past experiences to more recent experiences of erectile dysfunction (ED) and other foundational views about desire and arousal that were ill-informed and in need of address. I will conclude this by sharing my journey on addressing my erectile dysfunction and offer reflections that have come from being engaged in this deep, transformative, and even life-changing work.
The Boy
As a boy the seeds of arousal, libido, and sexual desire that were sewn in me were intimately connected with anxiety, competition, and a deep laden sense of inadequacy that barely permeated the surface: I didn’t find the problem so much as the problem found me. Early on earning female attention was represented to me as a game that I needed to win or an experience I needed to manipulate. I did not feel I was inherently worthy of love. The prize, ultimately, was gaining access to the ever-illusive experience of sex and the scarce message that I indeed was o.k., had value, and was worthwhile. These seeds were sewn in me by masculinity as taught through movies, television, competitive sports, older men, and pornography, all of which were initially presented to me in a formative way in grade four or five. The message was both clear and confusing but later unpacked to be: The sexual desire you are to control should also be insatiable, and your worth as a man is directly reflected in the opposite sex’s evaluation of you, of which there is no higher measure of success than sexual intercourse. Rife with power dynamics, heteronormativity, and misogyny, it’s a mystery that any of us would expect this messaging to yield anything healthy.
Masturbation
As the seeds of my sexual psychology began to grow, life also continued to move along. I found the satisfaction of masturbation during the same time that my home life became unstable and unpredictable. Turmoil, combined with the socially enforced idea that I, as a boy becoming a man, was supposed to cultivate an insatiable, almost uncontrollable sexual desire led me to form a deep bond with pornography. Pornography and masturbation became where I learned about sex between men and women, and a space where I could go to access pleasure that would help me cope with the dysfunction surrounding me. What pornography did not show me was what it meant to connect with a partner in a non-sexual way, or how to move through the courtship period of building a relationship, how to explore sexual pleasure and sexual connection with myself in a healthy way, or how to deal with and ease the pain of the non-sexual issues from my life in a manner that was not masturbation.
Wounds
Throughout my preadolescents and my adolescence, one of the most profound wounds I experienced was a lack of focused attention. I was routinely neglected and left to my own devices and in pornography and masturbation I found a way to access and provide for myself the focused attention that was lacking from my life that I so deeply craved. In addition to neglect, I received harmful messages about sex and women. The messaging that all too many men receive about sex is often toxic and can be very confusing. Boy’s and men’s messages about sex say that they do not deserve sex but that they need sex, that their sexual desire is shameful but is connected to their masculinity, that they have to fight and compete for sex, that sex is acquired or won, that sex is a measure of their worth as a person, and that they need to need sex to demonstrate their virility but also control their urges to demonstrate their power. Unfortunately, this list is not exhaustive. The amount of problematic messaging that boys and men receive about sex seems limitless. Finally, the messaging that young boys and men receive about sex also tends to dehumanize their sexual partners, reducing them to objects of desire and robbing all parties involved of true sexual pleasure.
The Man
Having now grown from a boy into a man, equipped with a daily pornography habit, my body began to betray me, making me unable to maintain or sometimes even achieve an erection. Scared, I was forced to address my body’s betrayal. The prescription, equally terrifying at the time, was to stop using pornography and to abstain from masturbation. This was terrifying as both pornography and masturbation were what I had previously used to ease the pain caused by wounding I had received throughout my life. Working through these fears and moving into healthier alignment with myself and my sexuality soon proved to be the most fun, interesting, and life and perspective changing work I had even endeavored upon. As such, I would like to share some of my reflections and learnings from that time, though it should be noted that the learnings are still coming—no pun intended.
Reflections
Reflection One: In stopping pornography we can come into closer, healthier, and deeper contact with ourselves, our partners, and our genuine, pure states of arousal.
Reflection Two: It has only been in my 30’s, without the use of pornography and daily masturbation, that I have begun to experience pure sexual pleasure, free from outside stimuli, motivating factors, or the drive of early childhood traumas.
Reflection Three: Masturbation and by extension my erectile dysfunction grew from dysfunction and wounding that harmed me far before I had the cognitive ability to deal with them in a healthier way.
Reflection Four: When abstaining from pornography and masturbation a critical component to my success was identifying triggers. Social media, television, advertising, everywhere we look, we are inundated with sexual imagery and inaccurate depictions of what it means to be a man that can trigger our arousal and push us to use pornography.
Reflection Five: If you are struggling with erectile dysfunction and trying to abstain from pornography or move forward in a new way sexually, give your body and yourself time to adjust before looking for results. This work is deep work and can be truly life changing. It’s worth taking time and being patient with yourself. Sit with yourself in a state of loving care and attention.
by Natasha | Aug 16, 2024 | Raising children with a healthy sexuality, Sex and mothering, Vulnerability |
Based on a true story:
There once was a beautiful little girl with big brown eyes that, from the moment she was born, was the delight of her mama. Observant and contemplative, mama marveled in experiencing through the little girl the wonder she saw in the world around her. The little girl loved closeness, being touched softly, cuddling and sleeping alongside her mama. She had a special connection with her grandpa who, with the strength of a carpenter, held her in his strong arms beneath the trees in their yard — watching the leaves above them blow while the breeze touched her face.
As she grew into a toddler and began interacting more with others, mama noticed that she often held back, taking her time to settle in and feel comfortable with new people and experiences. Being such a beautiful and curious little girl, many friends and family wanted to hold her and while she enjoyed them, she didn’t like feeling pressured to go to them. When this happened, her natural curiosity turned off and her body stiffened as she retreated back into the safety of her parents arms. Witnessing this, mama asked the people to simply invite her towards them with open eyes and smile — allowing space for her natural curiosity to draw her forward in her own time. The ones who listened to mama, delighted in the softness of the the little girls chubby legs as she sat on their lap, and the sing songy sounds of her voice as she chatted away. The ones who insisted on rushing her, were left disappointed that she chose to enjoy them only from the lap of someone else.
As the girl grew, so did her circle of people and she especially loved playing with other children. As always, she took her time at first, sitting on the edge, observing them and waiting to feel, without pressure, the readiness in her tummy drawing her closer. Invariably it would come and she would run off to play for hours and hours — occasionally looking back to check that mama was still there. Mama loved her little girl more than life itself and the only thing that could get in the way of that were when her own unresolved childhood wounds showed up. On one particular day, mama felt the pressure from other parents insisting her daughter play before she was ready. Feeling the need to please them, mama pushed her little girl to go and almost instantly was brought back to presence by the sight of her daughters little body contract and harden. Acknowledging her wrong doing, mama apologized and felt the little girl soften and settle against her chest as she held her, welcoming in space for her to reconnect to the feeling in her tummy that told her when she was ready.
The little girl grew older and taller, loving school, friends and spending time outside in nature. Sometimes, mama would watch her through the window laying on a blanket under a tree and looking up at the leaves above her. Intuitively mama felt that this was one of the ways her little girl connected to herself just as her grandpa, now passed, had taught her to do all those years ago. Other times she would, like any other kid, explore the world with her siblings, climbing trees and testing her body. Every so often she would stop and look at mama —questioning with her eyes how high she could go or what her body was able to do — and mama would respond “listen to your tummy, it knows best.”
The girl grew into a teenager who cared a lot about the world and the environment around her. She was tall and beautiful and, along with her contemplative and quiet nature, this made some people perceive her as aloof. She wasn’t at all — she just knew she needed space alone at times and to take time to pause and listen to her tummy’s wisdom.
When the girl began dating she listened to her tummy to set the pace of what felt right for her and knew that no one else’s desires were more important than what her body needed. “No ones gonna die if I say no to them” she told her mama. This seemingly simple statement touched something deep inside mama. She recalled her life long pattern of pleasing and as a result, internally bracing and guarding from touch that came from the feeling in other peoples tummy’s but not her own. Feeling unable to say no, made it hard for mama to feel when her tummy said yes. When had she forgotten to slow down and listen? Why had it taken her to this moment to remember that the wisdom she supported in her daughter, was innate to all of us?
Pondering this, mama went to her room, laid down on the bed and — with her hand on her tummy, turned her eyes towards the trees outside her open window — watching the leaves move and feeling the wind on her face. It took some time, but soon enough she felt something faintly familiar in her tummy — a resonance that she remembered feeling way back when she was a tiny little girl herself. “Listen to your tummy, it knows best.”
by Natasha | Dec 18, 2023 | Body Awakening, Intimacy |
As I get ready to turn the page of my client log book for 2023, I’m reflecting on how much growth and learning this year has given me.
I was fortunate to support 916 clients – 488 women, 366 men and 62 non binary humans this year. I started offering a piece of my heart through “Body Awakening” sessions which help clients learn to; identify what “yes” and “no” feel like in their body and communicate it, anchor to presence during intimacy so that they can feel MORE, relax into their body to allow for the natural function of arousal to happen, regulate with their breath and explore pleasure. I teach this through either touching clients myself or guiding couples in how to offer Body Awakening to each other. I facilitated my first week long “Intimacy Immersion” experience with a couple, completed level 3 of an Integrative Trauma and Attachment Treatment Model training, learned to “Love Another Way” in a course on boundaries and am currently training in Genital Dearmouring.
In 2024, I’m excited to go to California for hands on Genital Dearmouring training, expand my office space to include this as one of my services, offer couple’s intimacy workshops facilitated by myself and my husband (saying that is also new for me in 2023!) and continue writing my book on – you guessed it – Intimacy!
As always, I’m in awe of the endless connections between mothering babies, and helping adults feel safe enough to tip toe into experiencing their limitless capacity for connection and pleasure. Thank you to everyone who allowed me to accompany them on their intimacy journey this year and I’m excited to keep learning and expanding with you all next year!
