Q&A: I found an open condom wrapper in my 17 year old son’s pocket

Hi there.

I just found an open condom wrapper in my 17 year old son’s pocket while I was doing laundry. Lots of crazy feelings coming up for me. I don’t know how to handle it. Back in February I found a receipt for condoms that he carelessly dropped on the floor in our computer room. He knew I found it then. Now I am glad he is being safe but still annoyed.

He has a girlfriend who lives 3 hours away and she absolutely was not here this past weekend. So I don’t know who he has been with locally. I really don’t know what to do. It angers me that he is cheating on his girlfriend, yet with the distance relationship I am pretty sure they agreed not to be exclusive. It saddens me to think of him as irresponsible with the feelings of others, yet I don’t know this is the case.  I also know that I was having sex at that age.

I want to tell him he has to do his own laundry from now on but don’t want it to sound like a punishment. Yet I also know his dad and I have been doing way too much for him. I also don’t want to put any lingering anger I have towards my husband, because of his past infidelities, onto my son.

Any advice on how not to screw this up or scar my kid about sex.

Sincerely,

K.

Dear K,

Thank you for reaching out to me about this. I think it’s great that you didn’t act out negatively towards him and took the time to pause and ask for help in how to have a conversation with him about sex – in an effective way.

I would approach it by first regulating your emotions so that you can talk to him from a place of love – not fear. By this I simply mean doing whatever it takes to calm yourself down. If you react and lash out, he will likely retreat and not be open to sharing with you. Sometimes – especially when we have strong personal feelings and hurts from our own experiences – we can project our pain onto another. Doing so isn’t fair to him and won’t end well for either of you. I can tell by the self awareness expressed through your question that you don’t want to do that.

When you are ready to approach him in a calm manner, I’d begin by telling him what you found and that you’re glad he’s being safe. Then ask him curiously (not judgementally) about it. Does this mean he and his gf aren’t exclusive? If so, does his gf understand that he is having sex with someone else? I’d also gently explain that when it comes to sharing our bodies and our hearts with someone else, they have a right to know clearly what is true or not and that they are safe. I would also explain that condoms don’t prevent all STI’s.

As for your comment that you and your husband are doing too much for him and you want to set boundaries around house hold tasks – I’d bring that up separately on a different day so that it has no connection to a conversation about sex. His sexual experiences have nothing to do with you doing too much for him and wanting him to do his own laundry.

You’re a great mom to be carefully considering how you approach this topic and being mindful of not creating scars around sex.

Good luck and let me know how it goes!

Natasha

For Betty Dodson (and the unknown farmer who bailed the hay)

I’m sitting in a farmer’s field about ten minutes from my home, naked, leaning against a hay bale. 

The wind is blowing my hair in crazy directions, and I imagine myself as one of those women in books who looks wild and free and you can just tell by her wind blown hair that she had some great orgasms that day …… and every day. 

My skin is brown from all the summer sunshine, and when I turn my legs towards it, I can see my blond thigh hair, shimmer like gold. 

A tampon string dangles from my vulva and I take it out, happy that I don’t need to worry about staining any sheets in this field. 

There are two tummy rolls at the bottom of my stomach and I place my hand over them, tracing the stretch marks that make a spiral pattern around my belly button. I think back to the words of the surgeon I went to years ago, who asked me why I wanted to change this part of my body. Closing my eyes and feeling the texture that the stretch marks offer my fingers, I give thanks that I didn’t —and imagine my beautiful children growing inside my belly — pushing and stretching my skin with their long limbs. 

My eyes move down to my vulva and I see my lips like the petals of a flower blooming in the morning sun. Encouraging them to bloom some more, I move my hand towards the petals and feel their softness. Years back I used to feel ashamed of how fully I bloom. Today, I don’t think there is a part of my body as beautiful as my pussy, and I promise to give her thanks every day for the plentiful gifts she offers me. 

I pleasure myself in this field — against the bail that I imagine the farmer put there just for me. A mom of 5 on her evening walk, with her dog who’s off chasing geese. 

I laugh as I cum, and afterwards, stand up and put my clothes back on to go back to the city, my home and my family. Seeing the wet spot on the ground I think with a smile, of the abundant crop the farmer will be blessed with next year. 

*****My orgasm and my words are dedicated with endless love, to Betty Dodson – my mama of pleasure on her 91st birthday today.

Couples/Intimate Partners Overnight Workshop!

I’m super excited to be offering, for the first time, a couples/intimate partners OVERNIGHT workshop! The workshop will be held at a private acreage near Saskatoon. It will be intimate, sensual and hot!!! If you’re looking for something to help connect or reconnect in an intimate way – this may be the thing for you. For details and testimonials follow the link and as always I’m here to answer any questions/concerns you may have. https://natashasalaash.com/intimacy-in-sensuality/

I hope to see you there! <3

Guided Softening and Opening Pleasure Meditation

Ever since I started using guided touch meditations at retreats, women have been asking me to record one for them to listen to at home. For some reason this has felt VERY vulnerable for me to do and I kept putting it off. About a month ago I finally recorded one that I’ve been doing with myself lately. This one isn’t specifically a touch one, but more of a softening and opening meditation that helps my body relax and open to receive pleasure.

Softening and opening is important for pleasure – whether it be self pleasure or pleasure with a partner. Most of us hold so much tension, shame and trauma in our pelvic floor and this can inhibit our ability to feel pleasure fully, create issues with erectile disfunction, overly tight vaginal muscles, and cause pain. I remember a pivotal moment where I was working with a client to help him learn to relax and “land” in his body – so that he could experience an erection and orgasm with another person. As I guided him through this – I noticed my own body slowly landing – as if I was in an elevator travelling down to ground level. As I kept breathing with him, I could feel my body make more contact with the ground under me and with that came exquisite pleasure – even though I was not being touched at all. I realized that I was actually fully in my body for the first time. This experience showed me that even though I can orgasm easily anytime really, it didn’t necessarily mean that I am fully “landed” in my body. The more time I take to settle, to soften, to open, to let go of tension, the more pleasure I can feel.

Now that I have learned what “landed” feels like, I also know what it feels like to not be “landed.”  And because I want to honour my body and allow it the time it needs to fully settle, I pay attention to this feeling and give myself time to land when I need it. For me, being “landed” feels like I’m giving my whole self the warmest, most loving hug and I’m being hugged back at the same time.

When you try this meditation please find a quiet place to lay down. It is ideal if you can be naked, or wear loose clothing so that the air you breathe can move with less restriction. You may notice the sounds of my breath during the meditation and that’s because I did the meditation while I recorded it. It isn’t authentic for me if I’m just saying it to you and not feeling it myself. Enjoy landing into your body and feeling how good it feels to be inside you. <3

**To be inclusive of all bodies, I included both feminine and masculine genitals in it.

 

Fall Bodysex Retreat Dates!

Due to covid-19, I had to cancel 3 of my spring Bodysex retreats. I am happy to say that I have new dates for retreats in Saskatchewan and Quebec for September and October!

In keeping with the Sask. provincial guidelines currently in place which limit group sizes to 10, I have reduced my number of participants to 8 (plus myself and Justine). My September Sask. retreat is full, but there is still space in the October one, as well as 1 space in my October, Quebec retreat. If you would like more information or to book, please contact me. https://natashasalaash.com/bodysex-workshops/

During this time of isolation I am even more grateful for my self pleasure practices which keep me connected to myself and also remind me of the importance of touch and intimacy in my life. <3