I’d been excitedly anticipating November’s Bodysex Saskatoon retreat for months — feeling like I badly needed a full weekend of connection, shared pleasure and space in a group. I love community so much and connecting with others in authentic and deep ways helps me feel grounded and gives my life meaning. Covid has really made me question where I fit when we’re told to be afraid of others, to judge them if they make different choices and that the safest place to be is alone. I don’t want to live in a world where we’re all the same, and I don’t want to just connect on a computer screen. I want to see your chest move as you breathe, smell your skin, watch how you move your body as you share your stories — and feel our hearts shine through our eyes when we look at each other. This is connection to me and, without it, I wonder where I really belong.
Justine — my assistant “stunt cunt” — moved to BC during covid so I mostly only see her now at retreats. A talented artisan and potter, she gifted me a mug the morning of the retreat and I couldn’t believe how much of me was reflected in it! The outside is covered in different textures because I love to touch and enjoy sensations on my fingers. It’s big because she knows that I always drink tea from a big mug. It’s designed and hand made by her which makes me feel connected to her energy when I touch it, and loved by her when I drink from it. Most special though is that she shaped my vulva — including my beautiful clitoris and all of her delicate petals — on the handle. I can finally play with my clit all day while I work!
This gift was the beginning of a weekend of gifts in the form of beautiful and flowing connection, authentic conversations, laughter, shared pleasure, story telling, amazing food, discussions on social justice issues, ethics, body image, consent, sacred prostitution — and so much more. I noticed so much of my own personal growth over the weekend — in particular less inhibition around my self expression and bodily functions. When I went to the bathroom I didn’t even think of closing the door, and when we first started doing Bodysex retreats I wasn’t relaxed enough to be able to take a shit all weekend! We sang together during group massage, taking turns touching and being touched by each other. I’ve always felt insecure about my singing but this time I sang passionately and ridiculously at times — doing drum rolls in the air and laughing. The freedom in forgetting to be self conscious has transformed my sex life because I can forget the conditioning that says it’s only about the guys pleasure or that it matters how I look, or sound, or express myself. Without those stories holding me back, I’m free to just feel it — and if it feels like a moose call coming out of me — I’m going to express it that way!
Each of the women in this retreat, reminded me in their own ways that Bodysex is more than something I “do” — its a reflection of the values I hold dear to my heart and the way I want to live in all areas of my life. I want to connect in person, listen to opinions and stories that are different than my own and accept the heart of the person sharing them because thats their story. This helps me accept my own heart. I want to laugh and be silly. To sing and wiggle the jiggly parts, and not take myself so seriously. I want to choose self pleasure as a way to heal the shame and conditioning we were raised in. To always be able to look back and see the evolution and growth that has come from these raw and naked connections.
These unfiltered connections are the cornerstone of who I am and the Bodysex sisterhood reminds me that, in this place, I always belong.
Thank you to my sisters: Turtle, Monroe, Hope, Indigo, Kitty, Dolphin Dreamer, Flame, V, Devour, The Empress and Pappilon