by Natasha | Nov 27, 2025 | pain during sex, Partner sex, Sexual liberation, Vulnerability, Vulvas |
When a body has learned to defend itself from harm, it often shows up for women as extreme over stimulation when touched, numbness or pain. When the armor (that was created to protect from further harm) is no longer needed, it can be frustrating for the woman who just wants to feel pleasure and enjoy sex. In situations like these, I help them learn to take the power back through attuning to their own body, listening and developing awareness about what they want and need moment to moment. To help their defenses back off and their armor dissipate, their nervous system needs to know that she is in control and will choose what is right and best for herself. I liken it to her best friend defending her from a jerk until she sees she can defend yourself.
Sometimes, in situations such as these, pleasure can feel like an impossible goal and the woman may become disheartened that she isn’t experiencing it. Being treated as “sexually dysfunctional” for years, what’s wrong, becomes the narrative. In fact, the “dysfunction” is simply our teacher reminding us where guards are up and that it hasn’t yet felt safe to let them down. When this happens, we focus on bringing her back to what I call baseline or, as my client yesterday said, “neutrality.” “It feels neutral, like there’s space” she said with a smile. This incredible place of neutrality — where there’s no longer pain, just present moment connection and awareness — is where possibilities of pleasure exist.
It’s incredible to watch and feel the guards come down and a vulva come to life, fill with color and plumpness. To feel my finger welcomed inside like a warm hug – no tension, guarding or resistance. “Your vagina feels alive, plush, soft and completely normal” I say. “Take it in, receive it, feel what neutrality feels like in your body. There’s nothing wrong with you at all, you’re just helping your guards come down.” Eyes glistening, she smiles receiving it in. As she satiates in this space of neutrality we joke that we could be watching Netflix for how relaxed her body is. Sometimes she notices resistance wanting to come up in other areas of her pelvis — unsure if it’s really safe to be this soft and relaxed. She notices them, we recognize them as friends double checking in that she’s okay, and with her soft exhale she brings her attention back to the spacious bliss of neutrality.
by Natasha | Jun 2, 2025 | Awakening, Intimacy, orgasm, Partner sex, Self loving/masturbation, Sexual liberation |
When I began my journey of sexual awakening thirteen and a half years ago, I viewed and experienced sex as a way to please partners’ and feel loved. I had never orgasmed during partner sex or from anyone pleasuring me and, until then, it hadn’t really occurred to me that sex could be for my pleasure too. I knew I was supposed to look like I was enjoying it, but I didn’t know that I could actually enjoy it. I masturbated a lot growing up and experienced orgasm through that, but in all the sex education I received, no one had told me that what I experienced masturbating could be experienced in sex. In fact, I had no idea that pleasure had anything to do with sex at all.
At the age of 32 I realized that I was living my life for others, and my own unacknowledged needs (apart from making others happy) were suppressed so deep that I didn’t know where to even begin finding them. Wanting to connect to myself, I began a daily practice of touching my body and feeling through my fingertips to discover what I needed. In time, with this touch, I upgraded my childhood masturbation method to a more full body experience of pleasure and orgasm. Inspired by the legacy of Betty Dodson©, I decided to incorporate masturbation into partner sex and in doing so, “owned my right to pleasure” as she put it. It took a bit to become unapologetic in this, but once I did, I orgasmed every single time I had sex with my husband. If It happened that he came first, I made sure that our sexual encounter didn’t end until I orgasmed as well. I was embodying what Betty taught me and, through this lens, everything changed.
Now that I was getting something from sex as well, it became something I wanted to do often — not only for him, but to meet my own sexual needs. Knowing what worked for me and not waiting for him to step up and offer me that, I never had to worry about not orgasming. It was up to me. Once I had achieved a high level of proficiency in this area, I felt resourced enough to step back and assess the quality of my sexual experiences. I wondered what other needs I had in intimacy now that this baseline one was filled. With this new level of discernment, I realized that I was “well fed” with orgasms so to speak, and now wanted to focus on the quality of my intimacy. I longed for things I was afraid to ask for — sensuality, slowing down, deeper emotional connection, touching and extended pleasure states. As I began stating my needs and asking for these things, I realized that they all involved a more willing partner.
Nearly fourteen years later, I’ve gone through divorce and built a successful business supporting individuals and couples in all aspects surrounding intimacy. Remarried now, my own sexual intimacy is centered around shared touch, extended states of pleasure, connection and taking time – I know orgasm will always be a part of it — so I focus more on expanding and savoring the journey.
I often hear women who aren’t orgasming in sex, dismiss it as “unimportant” and talk themselves out of it by maintaining that they’re “fine” having sex to feel connected and to keep their partner happy. Ironically these same women often come to me for help with “low libido” (as I once had). I remind them that having sex for someone else’s needs, or as another task on the to do list gets old quickly and it’s no surprise they don’t feel a libido for it. At the same time I often read articles written by sex educators or women proficient in orgasming with partners’, talking down to women who are focused on orgasm. They speak as if orgasm as a goal is for “basic” people and they’re somehow missing the whole point. When I hear this I’m reminded of a quote by Kahlil Gibran I discovered over twenty years ago that has stuck with me since:
“How bravely the glutton counsels the famished to bear the pangs of hunger.”
It’s easy to say orgasm doesn’t matter when you know you can have one whenever you want. It’s easy to focus on the quality of an experience when you feel you have choice in how the experience goes. Many women were raised with so much shame around pleasure that they haven’t learned to orgasm or don’t feel comfortable seeking it out as a right to expect as part of their intimacy.
It is absolutely okay to want to orgasm each and every time you experience sexual intimacy with your partner or yourself. If the narrative was reversed and men were told it didn’t matter if they orgasmed, they’d be rioting in the streets – and rightly so! There is nothing wrong with wanting orgasm for yourself and being committed to that as a baseline in your sexual intimacy. Orgasms feel great, are good for us, release tension, stress and give us amazing feel good chemicals. Why wouldn’t we want them? And, if orgasm is easy for you, it is also okay to want to feel even more satiated in experiences that are less goal-oriented and more savory — like a slow cooked meal vs. fast food. Speaking as a woman who didn’t know how to orgasm in sex for most of my life, or understand it to be an equal right for all, I now know it as such. If orgasming isn’t a part of your proficiency yet, it is well within your right to seek it out as something important, meaningful and fundamental to being human. It is okay to explore your own body to discover what works best for you, incorporate that with partners, acknowledge time needed for it to happen and ask for help achieving it. You have that right. And, if orgasmic people (partners or otherwise) suggest to you it’s not important, you’re welcome to tell them to kindly fuck off. 🙂
by Natasha | Jul 23, 2020 | For couples, Partner sex, Posts, Vulnerability, Workshops |
I’m super excited to be offering, for the first time, a couples/intimate partners OVERNIGHT workshop! The workshop will be held at a private acreage near Saskatoon. It will be intimate, sensual and hot!!! If you’re looking for something to help connect or reconnect in an intimate way – this may be the thing for you. For details and testimonials follow the link and as always I’m here to answer any questions/concerns you may have. https://natashasalaash.com/intimacy-in-sensuality/
I hope to see you there! <3
by Natasha | Jul 30, 2018 | Awakening, Partner sex |
** dedicated to those who “just want to get in the door.”
Once upon a time there was a man. He was a successful, beautiful man with a good job and a nice big home of his own. Even though he had many things to be grateful for in his life, what he longed for most, was someone to share it with.
The man liked to walk, and on his walks he would think of how much better his life would be if only he had that someone. As he walked he’d notice the doors on the houses he passed by and he’d wonder if the woman he was longing for was behind one of them. He saw yellow doors, green doors, blue doors and black doors but they were never quite the right door.
One day while he was walking, he noticed a bright red door and he thought to himself “That’s it! That’s the one I’ve been looking for! I really want to get in that door.” Thinking that this was the door he’d been longing for, he was determined to do something really big to get it to open for him. Everyday he danced, sang songs, wore costumes, learned instruments and even rode a unicycle dressed as a peacock hoping that he could convince the door to let him in.
But the door stayed closed.
After several months of this he felt defeated and one day, exhausted, fell off of his unicycle in front of the door and wept. It was so unfair! All he wanted was to get in this door and no matter what he did, it just wouldn’t open. After crying for some time he opened his eyes and decided to walk home. As he stood up he realized that he had been laying on a pathway that led to the red door. Never having noticed this pathway before he saw that it was curved and unique, made of rocks of all shapes and sizes. He also noticed weeds poking up between the rocks and decided that the weeds made the whole walkway more interesting. “How beautiful” he thought as he walked sadly home.
The next day he woke up feeling like he had no more purpose in his life without the purpose of getting into that door, but he forced himself to go for a walk anyways. Without thinking, his feet led him — not to the red door — but to the pathway leading up to it and he once again marvelled at it’s uniqueness. This time though he noticed that the pathway led not only to the shiny red door, but to a whole entire house! Thinking back to the months he spent singing and dancing in front of the door he wondered how had he not seen this house before? The house wasn’t big and fancy like his home and yet he couldn’t stop looking at it. He noticed paint peeling on one of the shutters, fingerprints on a window, and a mixture of vegetables and flower plants in a pot. The house fascinated him and he spent the rest of the day looking at it —wondering what rooms were inside, what it smelled like, what stories it held, what secrets it kept and who’s finger prints were on the windows. Even more fascinating to him was seeing the steady stream of neighbours come and go through the red door, as if it was their own house and the door was always open.
Transfixed by the feelings this home evoked in him and the enjoyment he felt in those feelings, he realized that the sun was going down and that he had spent the entire day looking at the house and had forgotten about his desire to get in the door completely. Feeling strangely settled and at peace, he got up to start his walk home. After glancing over his shoulder for one last look at the house, he began to turn around when he heard a click. From the corner of his eye he saw the red door slowly open and he turned to face the woman standing in it smiling at him. “Hello” she said. “Would you like to come into my home?”
by Natasha | Jun 18, 2018 | Partner sex, Q&A, Vulnerability |
Almost always the answers are within us – sometimes we just need someone to ask the right questions to bring them out.
Q: Hey Natasha, are you still doing q&a? I have a sex question and I’m all kinds of embarrassed to ask.
A: Yes totally! Ask away!
Q: Okay. So I’ve been seeing a guy for a few months. The sex has been great and at first I was cumming every single time. Lately, the past month or two, I haven’t been able to orgasm with him at all. The sex is still super hot and I really enjoy it, but what’s going on? I can make myself cum no problem, but not with him anymore.
A: Have you tried masturbating with him? Did anything happen of significance around the time you stopped cumming during sex with him?
Q: I haven’t tried masturbating with him, sometimes I touch myself when we fuck but even that doesn’t do it. When it was strictly physical/casual, I could easily orgasm every time without touching myself. I can’t think of anything of significance…although maybe it was around the time I started to develop feelings for him. And of course I haven’t expressed those feelings to him…which is probably the problem, isn’t it?
A: Yes!! That is very insightful of you! Having feelings for someone and expressing them requires vulnerability. Orgasms are vulnerable. To orgasm is to surrender and surrender can’t happen when you’re holding back.
Q: Well shit, that makes perfect sense. Having been in a relationship for so long, sex and vulnerability with someone new is so different. So I guess I’m gonna have to do something about these feelings, both relationship-wise and sexually. It could totally scare him away, but if it does then that just means that he’s not right for me right now.
A: Yes!!! look at you owning your feelings more than your need for his response to them!! Yay!! That’s liberation!
by Natasha | Jul 20, 2015 | Body Image, Partner sex, Posts, Self loving/masturbation |
I wake up horny but alone in my bed. I know that I should get up and take advantage of the quiet house but my body wins over my mind and I decide to just rub one out.
Making breakfast for kids and a jar of jam that I bought at the farmers market slips out of my hand and smashes on the tile floor. I look around at the sticky mess and I want to scream but instead I finish helping the kids with breakfast then sneak off to rub one out. All of a sudden cleaning doesn’t seem so bad.
Kids gone, working on my classes I know I should maximize my time alone to get stuff done but all I can think of is that there is no one here and I need to do some other “research.” Back and forth I list reasons in my head why I should do the “right thing” and study. Fuck it I say and I go rub one out.
Driving alone and blissfully fantasizing, I’m suddenly overwhelmed with desire and the need overtakes me so I pull over, hide in the back of my van and rub one out. Back on the road again I’m a better driver because of it.
Home cooking dinner, folding laundry while kids run in and out of the house. Feels like complete chaos and this “witching hour” before dinner is always the hardest hour of my day. Needing some kind of boost to keep me from losing it on everyone I head to the bathroom for a much needed “break” and go rub one out. Returning to the kitchen I’m super mom, flushed and glowing I finish the cooking and laundry with a huge smile on my face. I can do anything now cause I just rubbed one out.
Kids all tucked into bed and it’s time for a bath. It’s been a full day and lowering my body into the hot, soapy water feels just right. At this point all is well but I’m once again alone and we all know where this is going. Time to rub one out. Just. because. I. can.
Bedtime now and one might expect that after all that rubbing out I’ve used up all of my orgasms. This couldn’t be more wrong because, as a woman, the more I get – the more I am reminded of what I want. Not only do I feel light and free but all of the self loving means I feel extraordinarily beautiful too. Ready for more – only this time I’m not alone in my bed…….
