Q&A: I found an open condom wrapper in my 17 year old son’s pocket
I just found an open condom wrapper in my 17 year old son’s pocket while I was doing laundry. Lots of crazy feelings coming up for me. I don’t know how to handle it. Back in February I found a receipt for condoms that he carelessly dropped on the floor in our computer room. He knew I found it then. Now I am glad he is being safe but still annoyed.
He has a girlfriend who lives 3 hours away and she absolutely was not here this past weekend. So I don’t know who he has been with locally. I really don’t know what to do. It angers me that he is cheating on his girlfriend, yet with the distance relationship I am pretty sure they agreed not to be exclusive. It saddens me to think of him as irresponsible with the feelings of others, yet I don’t know this is the case. I also know that I was having sex at that age.
I want to tell him he has to do his own laundry from now on but don’t want it to sound like a punishment. Yet I also know his dad and I have been doing way too much for him. I also don’t want to put any lingering anger I have towards my husband, because of his past infidelities, onto my son.
Any advice on how not to screw this up or scar my kid about sex.
Thank you for reaching out to me about this. I think it’s great that you didn’t act out negatively towards him and took the time to pause and ask for help in how to have a conversation with him about sex – in an effective way.
I would approach it by first regulating your emotions so that you can talk to him from a place of love – not fear. By this I simply mean doing whatever it takes to calm yourself down. If you react and lash out, he will likely retreat and not be open to sharing with you. Sometimes – especially when we have strong personal feelings and hurts from our own experiences – we can project our pain onto another. Doing so isn’t fair to him and won’t end well for either of you. I can tell by the self awareness expressed through your question that you don’t want to do that.
When you are ready to approach him in a calm manner, I’d begin by telling him what you found and that you’re glad he’s being safe. Then ask him curiously (not judgementally) about it. Does this mean he and his gf aren’t exclusive? If so, does his gf understand that he is having sex with someone else? I’d also gently explain that when it comes to sharing our bodies and our hearts with someone else, they have a right to know clearly what is true or not and that they are safe. I would also explain that condoms don’t prevent all STI’s.
As for your comment that you and your husband are doing too much for him and you want to set boundaries around house hold tasks – I’d bring that up separately on a different day so that it has no connection to a conversation about sex. His sexual experiences have nothing to do with you doing too much for him and wanting him to do his own laundry.
You’re a great mom to be carefully considering how you approach this topic and being mindful of not creating scars around sex.
Good luck and let me know how it goes!
Q&A: When my husband and I are being intimate and he is inside of me, I have not been able to orgasm. Is this normal?
Just before my marriage to my husband, I let him know that I would never fake an orgasm. I also told him that I had never had an orgasm during sexual intercourse. When my husband and I are being intimate and he is inside of me, I have not been able to orgasm. I can have an orgasm if he or I touch around the top part of my vagina. Is this normal?
I was sexually assaulted when I was very young and I have always felt that maybe there was damage to my vagina and that is why I cannot orgasm during intercourse.
Also sometimes sex can be painful. Sometimes me being on top can cause me some discomfort. Some angles or positions can cause shooting pain…..My husband worries he might hurt me during sex. We have 2 or 3 positions that work for us. I feel like I might be boring for him.
After years of therapy I am comfortable with physical touch. I do feel enjoyment during sex now. I really like feeling him hard and the energy that is released just before he ejaculates.
Thank you for your vulnerable and thoughtful questions. I admire you for asking them and I know that they’ll help all the women who are wondering the same things! I will answer them one at a time and I hope it’s clear for you to understand.
First of all I am so sorry to hear that you were sexually assaulted when you were young. I can assure you, that being a survivor of sexual assault, has nothing to do with a difficulty in orgasming from penetration alone. There is nothing damaged about you and are perfectly normal. <3 In fact it is 100% normal to not orgasm from vaginal penetration alone. You described orgasming when your husband or yourself touches above your vagina. The part you are touching is called your clitoris and most women need to stimulate their clitoris to orgasm — with or without penetration. Your clitoris is your primary sex organ and the only organ in your body that’s sole purpose is for pleasure. Your vagina is not. Damage to your vagina would not affect your ability to orgasm during intercourse (think of women tearing in child birth) because most orgasms come from stimulation of our clitoris. The clitoris is an incredible organ and what you and your husband are touching is called the clitoral glans. Your clitoral glans has 8,000 nerve endings in that tiny spot alone, and that’s really just the tip of the iceberg! Your entire clitoral structure extends into your body and is full of a similar amount of erectile tissue as a penis(see drawings below). You may have noticed that when you’re really turned on, your entire vulva (your external genitals) swells. This is because, with adequate stimulation, we get erections too, just most of what is swelling is inside of us. You may have heard about something called the g-spot, that’s located inside at the top of the vagina. This spot is actually the back end of your clitoris which is why it feels pleasurable to stimulate. I can’t say it enough that you are completely normal and I’m the same as you — I need clitoral stimulation to orgasm during penetration too! (one exception is cervical stimulation, but that’s another question 🙂 )
These two drawings compare the erectile tissue of the inner clitoris to that of the penis. All the squiggly stuff in the drawings is erectile tissue. You can also see how the artist has drawn dotted lines to represent how both the vulva and penis swell and increase in size when erect. In men this happens faster but for women it takes 30 – 40 minutes of adequate stimulation (could be both physical and mental stimulation) to fully fill up with blood. We can orgasm in less time than that, but the longer we take, the better it can be because we will be more erect)
To answer your next question, there are different reasons for sex to be painful, however the way you describe the pain and the position you most often experience it in — on top which allows for deeper penetration — makes me think that his penis is hitting your cervix. This is common when we aren’t turned on enough. When a woman is fully turned on, her cervix will lift to allow more room for penetration. (see picture below) Some men can even feel the difference when their penis enters this “space” or cul de sac as it’s often referred to. When your cervix is lifted, the tip of his penis can stimulate the nerves in that area and you may find it less painful and even highly pleasurable. MANY women come to me concerned that deep penetration hurts and when we explore the issue, the answer is almost always that they haven’t had enough stimulation to be turned on. Our bodies are designed to take time and this is okay. If you and your husband take the time to build pleasure through touch that you enjoy, you may find that your body is more open to other sexual positions. I like to think that my body is deserving of the time it takes for it to fully open and invite all the pleasure in — instead of trying to convince it that it’s ready. We wouldn’t try to open the petals of a flower before it’s bloomed would we?
Finally I don’t think you’re boring at all and the fact that you wrote this letter asking me all of this — along with the years of therapy you’ve been through — speaks to how much sex, pleasure and intimacy are a priority for you. I love how you you pointed out the energy you feel being released before he ejaculates and how good he feels hard. (I hope you tell him these things!) This tells me that you’re very in tune with energy and the subtleties of pleasure — which makes you far from boring! I think that all of this makes you aware, interesting, sensual, curious, exciting and a bit mysterious. Sounds like a perfect combination to me!
I have included a video from my mentor, Betty Dodson, drawing and describing the internal clitoral structure. If you would ever like a more experiential explanation of this, I’d be happy to show you mine so you can deepen your understanding. Please don’t hesitate to let me know if you need clarification on any of this or if you have any more questions. I’m here.
In pleasure and love,
Q&A: “I Don’t Ever Orgasm Just From Penetration”
I have a question about orgasms. I’m 43 and haven’t had a lot of sexual experience in my life. I was married to a man for 10 years and our sex life revolved around him getting his orgasm and none for me. After we divorced I started dating a wonderful man who does care about my pleasure and is very focused on my orgasm. I orgasm with him but only when there is a vibrator on my clit or his hand rubbing it. I don’t ever orgasm just from penetration even though it feels good. He’s had much more experience than me and says that all the women he’s been with have had no problem orgasming from sex alone — sometimes within a couple of minutes of him being inside them.
This is causing problems in our sex life because I get stressed about not orgasming when he penetrates me and now sometimes I can’t even orgasm when my clit is rubbed. He feels ashamed that he can’t pleasure me properly and has wondered if something is wrong with my body physically because he’s had no problems with anyone else. I’ve been to the gynaecologist and I’m scheduled for an ultrasound to see what’s going on. Can you help me?
Thank you so much for your question. First of all and most importantly THERE IS NOTHING WRONG with you. Needing clitoral stimulation to orgasm is 100% normal and is the case for almost all women. In fact the clitoris is our primary sex organ and most orgasms we have come from direct or indirect stimulation of our clitoris. Our clitoris is much more than the external glans that you can see and rub. Clitoral erectile tissue extends deep into your vulva and surrounds your vagina which alone has very little nerve endings apart from at the entry and up at the cervix. (note drawing. The squiggly lines represent your internal clitoral structure) This means that when you enjoy vaginal penetration you are often enjoying indirect stimulation of your clitoris (the erectile tissue surrounding your vagina). I personally think it’s best when clitoral stimulation is combined with vaginal penetration and manual clitoral stimulation during penetrative sex is what brings me to orgasm. I’m just like you and we are both normal.
Even though your partner may mean well, he has been misinformed and it’s likely that many of the women he has been with in the past, faked their orgasms. We do a disservice to men and their future partners when we fake our orgasms. Most women do not orgasm from vaginal penetration alone (unless there is enough clitoral stimulation with it) and definitely not within a few minutes of being penetrated. That is a “porn model” based on what the industry thinks men want to see — that one thrust of a dick is enough for us to orgasm instantly when in fact we don’t even need a dick to orgasm!! ha!
There is no shame in the way you feel pleasure or how you orgasm just as there shouldn’t be shame in how your partner feels pleasure or orgasms. Some men feel more pleasure from their partner’s hand than from their vagina — It’s not wrong. Your partners’ judgement of your orgasm will only negatively affect the pleasure you feel and is likely the reason you’re having more difficulty orgasming now. Pleasure and orgasm require stimulation and relaxation of your autonomic nervous system — not stress about what’s wrong with us.
I hope this helps and please let me know how it goes,
Q&A: “I Can Make Myself Cum No Problem, But Not With Him”
Almost always the answers are within us – sometimes we just need someone to ask the right questions to bring them out.
Q: Hey Natasha, are you still doing q&a? I have a sex question and I’m all kinds of embarrassed to ask.
A: Yes totally! Ask away!
Q: Okay. So I’ve been seeing a guy for a few months. The sex has been great and at first I was cumming every single time. Lately, the past month or two, I haven’t been able to orgasm with him at all. The sex is still super hot and I really enjoy it, but what’s going on? I can make myself cum no problem, but not with him anymore.
A: Have you tried masturbating with him? Did anything happen of significance around the time you stopped cumming during sex with him?
Q: I haven’t tried masturbating with him, sometimes I touch myself when we fuck but even that doesn’t do it. When it was strictly physical/casual, I could easily orgasm every time without touching myself. I can’t think of anything of significance…although maybe it was around the time I started to develop feelings for him. And of course I haven’t expressed those feelings to him…which is probably the problem, isn’t it?
A: Yes!! That is very insightful of you! Having feelings for someone and expressing them requires vulnerability. Orgasms are vulnerable. To orgasm is to surrender and surrender can’t happen when you’re holding back.
Q: Well shit, that makes perfect sense. Having been in a relationship for so long, sex and vulnerability with someone new is so different. So I guess I’m gonna have to do something about these feelings, both relationship-wise and sexually. It could totally scare him away, but if it does then that just means that he’s not right for me right now.
A: Yes!!! look at you owning your feelings more than your need for his response to them!! Yay!! That’s liberation!
Q&A: “I Think My Dick Is Small”
I have a problem. I think my dick is small and I’ve had sex but sometimes can’t stay hard cause I think she’s gonna be thinking how small my dick is. I’ve watched videos on pleasuring women in other ways and I think I’m good at that but still can’t get past worrying about my dick size.
Thanks so much for your brave question. It sounds like you’re experiencing body shame and that’s a really common problem for both men and women. It’s hard to be present and feel pleasure in sex when you’re worried that your dick is too small or your belly is too big etc. And you’re very right that your difficulty with staying hard is caused by those thoughts.
I think it’s really awesome that you’re proactive in learning other ways to pleasure your partners and I also think that it would be a great idea for you to stop assuming that your penis isn’t big enough. We all have preferences. Some women like really big dicks and some don’t. Some women have shorter vaginas and big dicks can really hurt. Some women are naturally more tense and hold this tension in the muscles of their pelvic floor. This can cause tension in their vagina and a smaller dick would be much more welcome than a big one.
Some men like women with longer inner labia and some don’t. Some women like long saggy balls that slap around during sex and some like tight, firm balls. Preferences are preferences. However if someone actually likes another person, I don’t think that physical preferences matter that much at all. If I’m into someone, I’m into all of them. I see them as a whole — not defined by parts. Also if a guy shares with me that he has shame about a body part, his vulnerability would just make me love that part more. I’d adore it and want to show him that over and over until he could celebrate it himself. If you have a partner that you trust, I really recommend sharing your feelings. Vulnerability is super hot.
To help you stay out of your “spectatoring” thoughts, I encourage you to try whatever mindfulness practice you have ever done to stay present. This can be something you’ve done at work or home — any time in your life. Some people focus on a sensation — maybe the feel of your dick inside her, or her hand on your skin — others focus on their breath as they inhale and exhale. Some people have a mantra playing through their head (you could say “fuck me” over and over in your head and it will keep your focus on saying that instead of thinking of your dick size). Whatever you choose to do, the point is to stay in your body and not your head. Your head is messing it all up.
I hope that you can find this acceptance for yourself. After all, acceptance and confidence in ourself is the hottest thing ever. You were born with this dick and you’ll die with this dick, so why not own it!!!
Thanks again for your message and let me know if you need more clarification or support.