“If you look for the light, the light is what you’ll find. And if you think about the light, the light will fill your mind. If you shine on the light, the light comes shining back on you. It’s an old, old story…….. ain’t nothing new.”
Lyrics by Joys Dancer
The day before this past weekend’s Body Sex Retreat I was emotional and weepy —overwhelmed with the realization that this is really the path I’m on. Only 3 years ago it was all just an idea and yet here I was on my way to the airport to pick up a woman for my 6th Bodysex circle. I felt honoured and grateful that even though this path has been full of both joy and pain, it’s without a doubt the path I’m meant to be on.
These were welcoming feelings as the last year or 2 have been the hardest and darkest years of my life. I’ve grieved the end of my 15 year marriage, made decisions for myself that were a source of pain for others, and followed career passions that require an authenticity and vulnerability that aren’t easy to exist in at times. I’ve stumbled, felt completely exhausted, and had to learn to be honest with myself about my own failings.
In the past two months however, I’ve begun to see more clearly not only my own light, but the lights around me. This Body Sex Retreat was a constant reminder of all of these lights. The reminders came in many forms and so many times I sat in awe at the beauty of the lights shining around and back on me.
I saw the light in my fellow Bodysex facilitator who came all the way from North Carolina to shine her light and learn along with me. I saw it in the bravery of the women baring their bodies, vulvas and souls in the circle and in the painful stories that they shared. There was light in the smiles of acceptance and acknowledgement among women who had similar stories, and also among those who didn’t. I felt the light in the room brighten with each word spoken, as the weight of our stories became shared — rather than a burden to carry alone.
Light shone outside of the circle as well through the women who took time for themselves as needed, and the women who accepted this need without judgement. There was light in our full body hugs, the different ways we nurtured each other and in the freedom we felt in our nudity. So free that many of the women remained nude late into the night – sharing fantasies, deep belly laughs, yummy food, music, yoga, massage, and the cries of our orgasms as we came at the same time. In the morning the sun shone its light on us as we soothed muscles stiff from orgasms, and eyes puffy from crying.
Inspired by all this light around me, I dug deep inside myself and discovered ways to shine my own light into the workshop. Leading a touch meditation, the deep guttural sounds of my uninhibited orgasms, constant tears that so badly needed to fall, and the stories I shared that I wouldn’t tell anyone who wouldn’t also be completely naked with me.
As the retreat came to an end, we sat in a circle — joined by hearts and hands — and sang…… “If you look for the light, the light is what you’ll find.” Closing my eyes I felt the power of these lyrics and moving my hand over my heart to the beat of the drum, I cried….. “If you think about the light, The light is will fill your mind. If you shine on the light, the light comes shining back on you”…..Thinking of how each of us came in to the retreat with our own fears, reservations, and shame yet in this moment – in this circle of unconditional love and acceptance – there was no separation between our lights. “It’s an old, old story….. ain’t nothing new…..”
Thank you for sharing your lights with me,
Marilyn, Molly Ringwald, Lucky, Heart, Audra, Gigi, Lacy, Ms.Kane, Pearl, Denada, Iris.
My next Bodysex Retreat will be June 16th – 18th. Contact me to book.
*** Photo credit to Stiina <3