I haven’t been writing much lately — largely because I’ve been consciously trying to live my life fully, in both joy and sorrow, with the people closest to me. I’m not big on New Year’s but, combined with my birthday which also falls in early January, it always seem to make me pause and reassess my values. This pause feels to me like I’m standing in front of 2 open doors, making it possible for me to look both in front and behind myself at the same time. Through these doors I see struggles at times to pay bills and meet the daily needs of all of my children, as well as pride because I am actually doing it. I see hands on my skin — body wet from pleasure. I see falling in love and the joys and fears that go along with it. I see space held for my clients, naked circles and body sex sisters. I see vulnerability in the eyes of my friends, and in holding my children while they cry.
Looking in either direction reminds me that my values lie in the intimacy found through authentic, vulnerable connections. I’m happy to see alignment between my values and daily life and also find it ironic that the intimacy I seek for myself is what terrifies me the most. It’s never easy to allow others to see the deepest layers of who I am, nor is it easy to see theirs. I remind myself that intimacy is both something I do on my own and something done with others. It happens the moment I choose not to let my armour go up, or when I take the time needed for my body to be fully “landed” before I have sex. Sex for one or sex for two. Intimacy is found in difficult conversations, looking into another’s eyes, asking directly for and listening to another’s needs, holding and being held, touching myself and allowing myself to be touched.
Closing last years door I step into this years one choosing to continue moving forward into intimacy — knowing that sometimes I’ll be able to leap into it and other times I’ll have to manually lift my legs off the ground to make them move. Sometimes still, I may need someone else to carry me.
With love to all who have and do share intimacy with me. <3