Dear Natasha,
I am a man who has become dependent on porn. I can’t get off without watching it. How do I get past that? I don’t want this dependency to impact future encounters I have with partners.
J
Dear J,
Thanks for the awesome question!!! Porn addiction has become increasingly common and is especially prevalent in men and teenage boys. Behavioural addictions, such as porn addiction, share the same fundamental mechanisms and brain changes as drug addictions do. In this sense, addiction is one condition. In order to help you I need to give you a clear understanding of what is actually happening to your brain from continuously watching porn.
* Note – I do not think that porn is all bad. I think it has it’s place and can enhance a person or a couple’s sex life. What we are talking about here is how dependency on porn can affect real life sexual encounters.
When a person is sexually stimulated by something dopamine is released by the brain to send signals to other cells. This release causes a high – as sex stimulation produces far more dopamine levels than any other natural reward can. So the more a person feels rewarded or sexually stimulated, the more they will seek out stimuli which then increases the amount of dopamine released from their brain. In your case internet porn is hijacking your dopamine as it provides endless novelty, searching, seeking, anticipation, shock and surprise. When your dopamine levels start to drop, it takes only the click of a mouse to get the dopamine reward circuit going again.
While addictive drugs and foods have limits to the amount that they can be consumed, high speed internet porn is always at your fingertips and there are new genres and fetishes being introduced daily. When a person becomes addicted to porn they become dependant on this reward circuit for their sexual arousal. As constantly changing videos replace a persons’ imagination, the need for greater and different rewards to feel sexually stimulated increases. High levels of dopamine tell your brain that this activity is really valuable and that you should do it more and more, leading to desire for increased stimulation therefore becoming an addiction.
This addiction leads to sensitization or hyper-reactivity to the addiction. Sensitization occurs when the brain wires together sights, sounds, smells, sensation, emotion and memories associated with a big reward (masturbating to porn). This creates a pathway that inundates our reward centre and, when activated by anything associated with porn, causes intense cravings. This activation is so powerful that even turning on a computer can trigger it – similar to an alcoholic who can feel an intense craving when watching a beer commercial, or driving by a pub.
Sensitization then leads to desensitization which is a numbed pleasure response. This occurs with chemical addictions as well as with porn and involves chronically low dopamine signalling which urges the addict to seek out dopamine surging activities. The images that once excited the addict no longer gives the same “hit” of dopamine and the person will feel an intense craving for more. Desensitization leads to tolerance so higher doses will be needed to achieve the same effect. These doses will come in the form of shock, surprise and anxiety as porn users escalate to new genres. In this way addictions become the source of stimulation.
Everything else in the addicts life becomes dull and less exciting – including enjoyment from real life sex. This overwhelming desire to feed the porn addiction and boredom with other parts of their life is essentially what constantly drives the addict back to the source of the reward – porn.
When you are conditioned to internet porn, sex with a real person may not meet expectation and unmet expectations cause a drop in dopamine therefore killing erections or the ability to orgasm. The disparity between real sex and getting off to porn is huge. Real life involves touching, being touched, body scents, interaction with a person, emotional connection, it’s not voyeuristic and the action can’t be controlled. This real life situation is completely different from a porn addicts experience of sitting, touching only yourself, no interaction, no emotional connection, watching the sex happen and controlling the kind of sex you want to see. In this sense even if you think that the woman you are with is the hottest woman in the world, your brain has been programmed to seek out something different.
Hopefully after reading this you can understand what is happening to you to cause this dependancy. In order to stop the addiction you need to stop activating the porn sensitizing pathways and start building real people pathways. With time and disuse the porn pathways will weaken and, by building sensitization to real people, touch, intimacy and emotional connection you will make those pathways stronger. If you are dependant on porn for your sexual response it is essential to stop using porn altogether. This includes all porn substitutes such as magazines depicting any kind of nude or semi nude women. You have to stop training your brain to be a voyeur rather than a participant. For some men this also includes eliminating masturbation or reducing masturbation, while others are able to masturbate but train themselves to only fantasize about real people while doing so.
If you don’t have a current partner I encourage you to stop watching porn and masturbate fantasizing about sex with a woman that you are interested in or one from your past. It may take time and practice for you to learn to orgasm this way but it will happen. You need to be patient and understand that it takes your body time to change it’s previous pattern. You may even notice symptoms of withdrawal and be unable to get an erection or feel turned on. This too will pass. (Please email me again if you are noticing withdrawal symptoms) I also recommend you buy a “pocket pussy” or any toy that mimics the feel of a woman’s vagina rather than the feel of your hand. When I do orgasm coaching for women we focus on training to be able to orgasm during sex with a partner and not masturbation alone. Anything can be learnt with practice. Another thing that you can do is to learn to focus on the feeling of the stimulation on your penis(be in your body) rather than staying in your head. This can be done by learning sensate focus touch.
I hope that this helps you. Please don’t hesitate to write me again and let me know about your progress or if you have more questions. Thanks for your bravery in asking this question. I know that many men and women struggle with this same issue. For more information check
Take care,
Natasha
I’m an 18 year old gay man. I have masturbated since I was about 13. I have a boyfriend and I have not been able to cum with him. It’s embarrassing. I have tried to stop masturbating but I always come back. This article, though more pointed towards straight men, has given me an incite, and I feel that now that I know what is going on in my brain I can get over the addiction. For that, I thank you. Along with the person who originally asked this question.
Thank you so much for your comment and feedback. I’m so glad that it was helpful for you! Take care and I wish you all the best as you work to overcome your addiction.
Hey Natasha,
After +- 6 years of daily porn I have quit now for 3 weeks. This article describes almost exactly my trajection. I am really concerned that I cant get turned on or cum without porn…. but the physics of it makes sense now.
Thank you
B
Dear B,
I am so happy to hear that this article made sense to you and helped you to understand what you’ve been experiencing. I also understand your concern that you won’t be able to get turned on or orgasm without porn. For some time that may be true, however it won’t last forever. As long as you continue to not use porn to orgasm you will be able to learn a new way. I think it’s really brave of you to quit and I can only imagine how difficult it is. Please be patient with yourself and I hope that you can trust that you’re on a new path that has the hope and promise of feeling more.
Thanks for your response and feel free to message again if you need support.
Natasha
I cant quit porn, Ive trying really hard. I meditare, I shower with cold water to increase my mental strength, I have porn blockers set up, But I just cant quit porn… I really want to quit porn for my gf cause I know somewhere it is affecting my love life… I am currently in a long distance relationship so I really cant ask her for her help… Ive been trying for 8 months now… I used to not watch porn for weeks but now its hard to go past 2 days… I really need help.
Hi D. I’m sorry that you’re struggling so much with this. I think it’s really important to keep focused on the fact that YOU said that you want to quit porn because it is affecting your love life. That says to me that you want more for yourself and your relationship and that is a really admirable and loving thing. I know that it isn’t easy to quit anything that we are addicted to but it can help to look at it one day at a time. Some people have to even cut off the internet to not be tempted. I think it can also help to look at quitting as a way to choose YOU and what you want for your life. No one is making you do it. Honestly once you get past the initial hump it will get easier and easier. You can still fantasize and it will just take time for the fantasies and real life sex to give you the same response as porn. I’m thinking of you!
love Natasha
I am 20 and have had a porn addiction for years. I am gay and have only had relations with two people, one 3 years ago (I didn’t finish) and my current boyfriend of 3 months (haven’t finished and it destroys me every time). Thank you for asking the question and for the response, I hope that stopping watching porn will help me finish with my boyfriend, because I know it is hurting our relationship.
Hi Noah,
Thank you for your comment. You are so brave to acknowledge your porn addiction. Awareness is always the first step to change. Please know that you are not alone in this as there are many people in the same position. Thankfully it really is hopeful because the answer is really in stopping. Big hugs to you.
love Natasha
Hi I’m a 22 year old woman and I’ve been using porn for about a year and a half now. So far it’s the only thing I’ve masterbated to as I haven’t had any sexual relationships. I’ve tried before to just masterbate by fantasizing but I haven’t been successful. I’m not sure if I’m addicted to porn now since it’s only been about a year and a half but I’m worried it could become a problem later. I’m not sure if the reason I can’t think of anything is because of porn or because of lack of experience. I just can’t do it without porn right now and I’m starting to get desensitized
Hi Katie,
What you’re experiencing happens to many women so please don’t feel like you’re alone in it. It sounds like you are concerned that it is a problem and you know yourself best. Can you use what you view in porn as a fantasy while masturbating without watching it? I would really suggest that if you’re concerned about this, you stop using porn at all for 2 months and continue masturbating. You may feel like nothings happening and you aren’t feeling anything but your body needs time to learn to feel without that visual stimulation. You can also try reading erotica for ideas of what to fantasize about.
Good luck and let me know how it goes!
Natasha
I am a 53 male, and happily married for 25 years. My wife would be beyond upset if she knew I wrote. The issue I have is different. My wife watches porn on phone during sex and is now unable to reach orgasm without it. This began by us viewing together as added spice to our sex life. Prior to this, there were no issues. As time passed, she would view it to help her achieve orgasm quicker if she was having difficulties on occasion. As time passed, The phone was turned on as sex began. Last month she decided to stop. Now she is unable to reach orgasm. This is frustrating for both of us. We are hoping that eventually (soon), there is a change.
Any advise???
Hello. Thank you for your question. It is very normal that your wife is unable to reach orgasm without porn after stopping. That’s because her brain has been wired to “need” it. Any person who is reliant on porn to orgasm and then stops watching it, will go through a period of time where they find it difficult or impossible to orgasm. This is normal. My suggestion would be to find other ways to stimulate her mind while you’re having sex. What was it in the porn that turned her on? Can you talk about that while you are having sex and use it to turn her on? Another idea is to get a book on erotica and read the short stories to eachother in bed. Find different ways to engage her and spark her desire – that aren’t relying on porn. Let me know how it goes and good luck!
Natasha
Hi Natasha. I’m a woman in my 40’s who has always been sexually attracted to women and even had a few experiences. I’m in a committed manogomous relationship now and we enjoy expanding our desires and fantasies. I recently admitted I get turned on fantasizing about him having sex with other women while I watch, and also engaging in a threesome. A brand new fantasy I’ve never had with anyone before. We’ve started to watch porn together and really enjoy admiring women and talking about what we like and might want to do together in the situation we are seeing. My drive is very high compared to his. Sometimes I masturbate 2 times a day and still have sex. This seems to have “unleashed” my desires for women. I don’t want to leave him or anything. I want to watch porn often now and imagine him and I with whoever I’m looking at. I worry that my draw to porn is becoming too much or might stop me from being present with him when we are intimate, even though I’m imagining him in the scenario. Any thoughts?
Hi Sandy,
Thanks for your questions. Fantasizing is normal and I don’t think there is anything wrong with you doing so at all. As far as your interest in porn, as long as it isn’t effecting your ability to be intimate with him or your self concept it doesn’t sound like a problem at all. If you feel like it is a problem though and you’re feeling bad about it, maybe it would be a good idea to watch less and give yourself a chance to fantasize about these scenarios without using porn as well.
I hope that helps. It’s great that you’re exploring fantasies and that you’re able to share them with your partner!
Hiii
I’m a 21yr old girl and I’ve had an on and off porn addiction but I recently got into a serious relationship and I want to be able to have an orgasm with my partner. But for some reason I just can’t get turned on enough without watching some kind of porn. Sex doesn’t seem to turn me on fully. I don’t want him to think it’s him who is the problem:( please help I need advice!