Dear Natasha,
I think I need to take one of your workshops in the future. I’m pretty sure I’ve got some pussy shame. I didn’t really notice it until I recently became single. I was comfortable with my long term partner, but now I feel like mine is bigger than normal, or something. Like, it’s always been more rounded and pronounced than other’s, I noticed as a child, that I didn’t have one of those cute, tiny little v shaped pussies, and yeah, I guess I feel ashamed. Like it’s not normal, maybe, or that the men I choose to be with won’t like it, or think it’s fat and gross or something.
Thanks,
J
Dear J,
Thanks so much for sharing your shame with me. Pussy shame is really common and unfortunately very normal. I’ve heard this exact concern from other women and, because we rarely see examples of normal vulva’s, it’s no wonder you’re unsure.
Vulva’s come in many different “styles” – some skinnier, some rounder, some have protruding inner lips and some have tucked in inner lips – none are perfectly symmetrical. In Jamaica the name for vulva is ‘pum pum” and a woman with a rounder or more pronounced vulva is considered highly desirable. I can remember seeing what seemed to be wider or chubbier vulvas when I was a little girl and wondering what was wrong with my skinny one! The fact is there’s nothing wrong with any of us, we’re all made uniquely and that IS the beauty of it.
My advice to you is to spend time naked with yourself, touching, exploring and getting used to your pussy just as she is. Using coconut oil pleasure yourself over and over enjoying the roundness of your pussy. It’s my strong belief that in order to truly be able to enjoy pleasure and let go in sex, we need to find understanding and acceptance in our sexual anatomy. This is the foundation of sexual pleasure.
If you have children or are close to any little girls in your life, imagine that it was one of them who felt like their vulva was fat, gross or abnormal. What would you say to her? Would you want her to accept herself as she is? Would you want to help her find the beauty in her unique body? Finding beauty in a part of our body that we feel shame in is an act of compassion for ourselves. You are definitely welcome to take a Bodysex workshop, but I can tell you right now that your vulva is normal and if anyone else doesn’t like it they’re missing out on your beautiful “pum pum.”
Love her up until she feels beautiful,
love Natasha
ps. Here are some drawings on the different vulva styles, by my teacher and artist Betty Dodson, along with her words about her own vulva shame.
“At the age of 35, I still had an ugly mental image of my genitals. In the past, men had “gone down” on me, but I was always much too uncomfortable to reach an orgasm. The thought of someone tasting my genitals struck me as being unsanitary. Worse yet, he might see everything. I could only allow oral sex for a few minutes before I pulled my lover back up on top of me for “normal sex.”
