Dear Natasha,
When I masturbate my clit seems to be numb and there is hardly any sensation at all when I touch it. It starts off okay but then after about ten minutes it’s like my clit just gets bored and shuts off. I can get orgasms from penetrating myself with a dildo but they are short and more like tension orgasms. I want to learn to have deeper orgasms from my clit. Can you help me?

Thanks,
K.

Dear K.

Yes I can help you! First of all I want you to know that you are not alone in this. Many women approach me with this same problem. A clitoris that is non responsive is a clit that hasn’t received enough attention. Your clit needs to be awakened by your own gentle touch. Through regular, soft touch she will begin to respond but it is a process that takes time and practice – and lots of it!

I suggest that you begin by taking coconut oil, or your favourite lube, and softly touching your entire vulva. Touch your inner and outer lips, the entrance to your vagina, pubic mound, and thighs. Brush past your clit every now and then – to let her know there is more coming for her – but don’t try to directly stimulate her. Don’t skimp on time for this. Allow for a half an our of just soft touching and do it often – while watching t.v, before falling asleep etc.

Your clitoris is much more than just the external glans that you can see on the outside. It extends deep inside your body as demonstrated in this short video. It is important to understand not only the external structure of your clitoris, but the internal as well. You mentioned that you can get orgasms from penetration alone. All orgasms come from indirect or direct stimulation of the clitoris. This means that a “vaginal” orgasm is also a clitoral orgasm. With practice you can learn to stimulate yourself externally and internally which will lead to deeper and more intense orgasms. The more you touch your whole vulva, the more your clit will wake up and learn to respond. By touching the surrounding area you are teasing your clit out. With practice the pleasure from this touch will become so intense that you will know exactly when it is time to touch your clit to induce an orgasm.

Another thing that I want to mention is that it sounds like you are putting pressure on yourself to perform. Any time we feel pressured in sex – solo or partner – it creates a kind of performance anxiety. You might think that anxiety is a big word and that it has to mean something huge. But the way sexual arousal works is that it engages both your sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems. One is responsible for expending energy and the other is responsible for relaxation. Arousal requires BOTH systems to be functioning in order for orgasm to happen. You cannot make yourself feel relaxed.

If you are touching yourself and feeling some arousal at the beginning but it drops off, the most likely reason is that you are pressuring yourself to perform (orgasm). This will never work. The clitoris needs to fill with blood in order to orgasm. At the slightest hint of anxiety your body is no longer relaxed, and in an instant the blood rushes from your genitals into your limbs preparing for fight or flight. This is a physiological response to anxiety and one that you can’t control except by finding ways to feel relaxed. For me – focusing on my touch and the exact point where my fingers are touching my skin – I am able to stay in my body and out of my head. For some it is a mantra. Through practice you can figure out what works best for you, but try to first focus on just touching for pleasure alone and not with orgasm as a goal.

Lastly you mentioned tension orgasm. This is how most women learn to orgasm as a teenager. We hold our breath, keep our body straight and apply some sort of pressure to our clitoris. To learn how to change this pattern, begin with breathing through your arousal and orgasm. I know that this sounds really difficult to do but changing this one thing will intensify your pleasure 100 times. Breath is the life blood of an orgasm.

Remember to not expect instant success. It’s the same as easing yourself into a cold swimming pool. It takes time for your body to get used to the temperature and feel of the water. Just jumping in doesn’t feel good. Your clit has been neglected and needs to learn to accept and want this touch. Make her beg for it and you will be rewarded! Everything takes time but, with practice and patience, your clit will become a source of incredible pleasure in your life. Let me know how it goes!

Enjoy the pleasure,
Natasha