Dear Natasha,

I orgasm pretty easily by myself and when my boyfriend goes down on me. It feels good but the orgasm is just in my vagina and clit. I’ve read about full body orgasms and heard that orgasms can happen in other places in your body too and I’m curious about that. How can I have a full body orgasm?

From K.,

Dear K.,

Thanks for your great question! Many men and women have asked me the same thing and I can assure you that you’re not alone. Orgasms are the result of built up sexual energy that has accumulated in your pelvic region. The stimulation we receive or give ourselves is what causes the build up and the orgasm is simply the release of that. When you hear people mention having a full body orgasm, a “laughgasm”, “crygasm” or a “spiritual experience” when they orgasm, it just means that the built up energy has spread from their genitals into other parts of their body. This movement of energy changes the orgasm from a genital experience into a full body one.

There are several things that a person can do to encourage this energy to flow into other parts of their body, but I’m just going to focus on one of them with you. The best and most effective way to bring your orgasmic experience into the rest of your body is through your breath. Breath is the life blood of your orgasm. When we hold our breath, stagger it or don’t fully inhale and exhale, our energy can’t move freely through our body. Simply put it’s “stuck” in our genitals. When we use our breath during the build up to orgasm – and continue to breathe as it is released – the breath acts a conduit for our orgasm to move on. Just imagine a boat on land without water under it. It stays stuck. Your breath is like the water.

When I tell people this they often dismiss it because just breathing sounds too easy or not interesting enough to them. But actually staying in your breath is not that easy and takes time and practice. It can be helpful to first focus on just breathing during your actual orgasm. That alone will increase the feeling, length and pleasure of the orgasm. Once you’re able to do that, try breathing through the build up. Many of us are stuck in a teenage masturbation style that involves holding our breath and clenching our body tightly to orgasm. Both of these things inhibit the movement of the built up energy in your body so really your’e screwing yourself in more ways than one!

I hope this helps you to understand why your orgasms are mainly a genital experience. Once you learn how to carry them to other parts of your body with your breath, please let me know and I’ll help you with the next step to go even deeper.

Have fun practicing!

Natasha

Dear Natasha,

From G.

Dear G,

Thanks so much for your question. It sounds like you are experiencing something that is very common among men which I like to call “performance anxiety.” Basically anxiety about how you’re performing in bed is actually causing you to avoid having sex.

First of all I think it’s imperative for you to understand that many (if not most) women don’t orgasm from penetration alone. A woman’s primary sexual organ is her clitoris and, while it can be stimulated directly externally as well as indirectly internally, it is rare that a woman orgasms without external stimulation. This is just a fact that is unfortunately not more commonly known and accepted. So if “sex” to you means penis in vagina penetration and you don’t think she came, you’re probably correct. Because of this it is a good idea to get out of thinking that she should orgasm from penetration alone and explore other ways to help her cum.

I could give you tips on ways to touch her or go down on her and they would be helpful for sure, but as each woman is different that won’t help you as much as this piece of advice right here will. I’ve learned from working with many, many women that the most important thing you can do to be a better lover (or better at anything for that matter) is simply take your time and pay attention. Go into a sexual encounter with the mindset that you know nothing at all about pleasuring this particular person. Don’t think that something must work cause you saw it on porn, or even because the last girl “seemed” to like it. Be truly curious and watch her respond to your touch, your tongue and your exploration of her body.

It may seem like a strange analogy but think of when you greet a dog that you’ve never met before. You don’t know what the dog likes or how it likes to be petted. So you start slowly by letting the dog relax and then you try different ways of touching while paying attention to how the dog responds to your petting. Some dogs don’t like their ears touched and some do. People are the same and we all have different preferences – it’s just that men are conditioned to think that they’re supposed to be able to know everything the first time. This is bullshit! There is a chance that the woman you are with will fake and pretend that she’s enjoying something that she isn’t just to please you. This isn’t your fault or your problem and not up to you to change. Just do your best to listen and pay attention to her responses.

When we pay attention it is so easy to see the subtle movements that the other makes either to get closer or pull away from the stimulation. If you feel comfortable enough to do so you can combine this exploration of her body with questions. Touch or lick different areas and ask her which one feels better. Avoid asking what she likes as many women have too difficult of a time answering or may not know themselves. Instead ask specifically about two different kinds of licks or places to touch etc. and she will hopefully be able to say which one feels better.

A fantastic lover is simply one who doesn’t think they know everything and is willing to take the time to pay attention in order to learn.

Good luck! The fact that you’re asking means that you’re enthusiastic and that’s another quality of a great lover!

Natasha

Dear Natasha,

I think I need to take one of your workshops in the future. I’m pretty sure I’ve got some pussy shame. I didn’t really notice it until I recently became single. I was comfortable with my long term partner, but now I feel like mine is bigger than normal, or something. Like, it’s always been more rounded and pronounced than other’s, I noticed as a child, that I didn’t have one of those cute, tiny little v shaped pussies, and yeah, I guess I feel ashamed. Like it’s not normal, maybe, or that the men I choose to be with won’t like it, or think it’s fat and gross or something.

Thanks,
J

Dear J,

Thanks so much for sharing your shame with me. Pussy shame is really common and unfortunately very normal. I’ve heard this exact concern from other women and, because we rarely see examples of normal vulva’s, it’s no wonder you’re unsure.

Vulva’s come in many different “styles” – some skinnier, some rounder, some have protruding inner lips and some have tucked in inner lips – none are perfectly symmetrical. In Jamaica the name for vulva is ‘pum pum” and a woman with a rounder or more pronounced vulva is considered highly desirable. I can remember seeing what seemed to be wider or chubbier vulvas when I was a little girl and wondering what was wrong with my skinny one! The fact is there’s nothing wrong with any of us, we’re all made uniquely and that IS the beauty of it.

My advice to you is to spend time naked with yourself, touching, exploring and getting used to your pussy just as she is. Using coconut oil pleasure yourself over and over enjoying the roundness of your pussy. It’s my strong belief that in order to truly be able to enjoy pleasure and let go in sex, we need to find understanding and acceptance in our sexual anatomy. This is the foundation of sexual pleasure.

If you have children or are close to any little girls in your life, imagine that it was one of them who felt like their vulva was fat, gross or abnormal. What would you say to her? Would you want her to accept herself as she is? Would you want to help her find the beauty in her unique body? Finding beauty in a part of our body that we feel shame in is an act of compassion for ourselves. You are definitely welcome to take a Bodysex workshop, but I can tell you right now that your vulva is normal and if anyone else doesn’t like it they’re missing out on your beautiful “pum pum.”

Love her up until she feels beautiful,
love Natasha

ps. Here are some drawings on the different vulva styles, by my teacher and artist Betty Dodson, along with her words about her own vulva shame.

“At the age of 35, I still had an ugly mental image of my genitals. In the past, men had “gone down” on me, but I was always much too uncomfortable to reach an orgasm. The thought of someone tasting my genitals struck me as being unsanitary. Worse yet, he might see everything. I could only allow oral sex for a few minutes before I pulled my lover back up on top of me for “normal sex.”

Dear Natasha,

I am 37 years old, married and my sex life is not bad but my orgasms for the past 4 years are very quick. I’d like very much to extend the play and also to enjoy of the clímax more in each sexual act like I used to. I think the change in my orgasms is due to my last delivery as I failed to achieve a natural birth and ended up in cesarean attempt. My vagina tore and it cost me 2 years of penetrative sex. I was so afraid when we started having sex again that I felt I should orgasm as soon as possible so I wouldn’t tear again. Since then my orgasms are very quick and brief.
My question is: How can I control the sexual energy accumulated in my genitals so that it will not ” explode ” as quickly and thus feel better in every sexual act. Thank you!

R.
* question paraphrased slightly to make more sense to the reader as the author is ESL

Dear R.,
Thanks so much for your question! There are two things that need to be mentioned here.

First of all what’s happening to you makes complete sense and is to be expected following the circumstances of your painful birth experience. Our orgasms and response to pleasure are connected to and affected by the health of other parts of ourselves – emotions, relationships, trauma we experience, physical health etc. It sounds like you’re experiencing some anxiety around pleasure and orgasm because you’ve associated it with pain. Anxiety during sex is extremely common and even if you aren’t worried about your vagina tearing now ( or maybe you still are) the association is there and it sounds like you’re responding to it by orgasming as soon as possible.

The problem with orgasming quickly is exactly what you mentioned in your email – you aren’t enjoying the climax as much. This is because orgasms are the release of accumulated sexual energy in your body. If you haven’t built much energy the release is bound to be smaller.

Another problem is that anytime we place expectations on our orgasms to be a certain way we are bound to be disappointed. Expectations create a sort of “performance anxiety” in that we’re hoping and waiting for a specific result and when it doesn’t happen (often because we aren’t relaxed and present enough to just be in the experience and not try to create it) we get disappointed. This disappointment carries into our next sexual experience and so on and so on until we are completely disconnected from fully experiencing arousal and pleasure in our body. The easiest and clearest example of this is when a man experiences some sort of anxiety during sex and loses his erection. The next time he goes to have sex the stress of this happening again will often make it happen and this cycle continues until he can learn to get out of his head and back into his body.

My advice for you is to slow everything down. First of all explain to your husband (if you haven’t already) what’s going on, how you’re feeling and how you miss the more intense orgasms you had before the birth of your child. I know it’s difficult to make yourself slow down but you can do it. There is a practice called “edging’ where you decrease the stimulation as you get closer to orgasm and also use your breath to level out the build up. Then when it’s levelled you can begin stimulation again. This means that you build to the edge of orgasm over and over and when you finally let go, it’ll be much stronger than usual due to the built up tension in your body. Edging is best practiced alone as there is often less performance anxiety and worry that way. So masturbate, masturbate, masturbate!

I also encourage you to touch yourself or invite your partner to touch you without hoping for orgasm. Try your best to stay present in the feelings of pleasure in your body and out of the thoughts in your head. When you touch, do so with the feeling and intent you’d  have when touching a lover. Your body has been through a great deal and brought your child into the world. Touch yourself with appreciation for that so that you can help the emotional wounds heal. This also takes time – like any kind of practice – but you have everything in you necessary to do it! I’m closing with a link about edging/orgasm control. Please let me know how it all works out.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orgasm_control

Love Natasha

Dear Natasha,

So how common is this; during ‘foreplay’ (in inverted commas cos it’s all sex to me) nobody cums but then when it’s penis in vagina, he cums, then it’s game over lady – better luck next time! I am all for sex not focusing on penis in vagina but I don’t think that’s sex as far as he’s concerned. He always makes some kind of comment about do it yourself on the rare occasions I cum cos I don’t think he feels like he’s doing his job if I’m ‘helping’.

I should explain that I don’t cum easily, (with a partner) so I can’t just say, do this or that and I’ll cum. It takes a multitude of factors it seems and I haven’t figured it all out yet. It’s just frustrating especially when I’m ovulating cos I barely have to touch myself and I cum. We have talked about stuff before but it’s been a while, I guess we need a revisit. I don’t want to make him feel bad cos I’m sure that won’t help either. He doesn’t cum very often either so when he does I’m happy. And it sure is sad if he’s got to his age and no ones ever said anything. I just assume everyone should know but I forget guys don’t read the same stuff as we do.

From B,

Dear B.

Unfortunately from what I hear from other women it seems that this is common. What you’re referring to is called “the orgasm gap” which means that in heterosexual relationships men have more orgasms than women do. There are several factors contributing to this including emphasis placed on penetrative sex over oral sex or clitoral stimulation. This gap is telling even in the language we use for female genitals which are commonly, but incorrectly, referred to as vagina – which just happens to be the part of a woman’s body that reliably gives men orgasms.

The fact is that women’s orgasms all come from clitoral stimulation – either directly or indirectly. Only a very small percentage of women orgasm from vaginal penetration alone (3-10%) and when they do, it’s because the roots of their clitoris are being stimulated through their vaginal wall.

It sounds like your partner lacks understanding of female anatomy and doesn’t think he’s doing his job if you help out – yet doesn’t seem to want to do the work himself to get you there!

You mentioned that you don’t cum easily ‘with a partner’ which leads me to assume that you do when you’re on your own. Most women don’t cum easily and our body isn’t designed for us to cum easily. It takes around 30 minutes of adequate clitoral stimulation to fill the entire clitoral structure with blood giving a woman a full erection. Yes we get erections too! Women can orgasm with a partial clitoral erection but the greater the build up, the better it will feel. This is physiology and there’s nothing at all wrong with you.

You are very right that a good talk is needed and I’d also recommend more solo practice so that you can figure out what works best for you. You can even try masturbating in positions that you like to have sex in, so that you can get used to them when you try it with him. My other advice to you is that if you know how to bring yourself to orgasm show your partner exactly what works for you during non penetrative (aka ‘foreplay’) and penetrative sex. He may feel inferior or as if he isn’t doing his job but honestly that’s his problem. There are big expectations on guys to be able to do “it all” and it’s not always possible, necessary or even preferable. As long as you are kind and non accusatory it isn’t up to you to stroke his ego. In my experience men who have aversion to women helping themselves during sex, soon enjoy it when they see how much pleasure the women gets. Plus it frees their hands to do other things like grabbing hips or nipple play.

Good luck and let me know how it works out. It’s time to take your orgasms into your own hands!

love Natasha

Dear Natasha,

So, recently I’ve decided to stop waxing my vulva and butt hole and instead just trim my pubic hair and shave my bikini line. I’ve noticed that the hair around my butt hole is quite long, and very thin/fine. It’s very difficult to shave or trim that area, so I’ve decided, out of laziness and the pure fact that I don’t care, to just leave the hair be. I’m wondering, is it normal to have long butt hole hair? And lots of it? This hair also trails from my butt to my vulva, kind of on a side-cheek kind of deal. Is this also normal?
Thanks!

From C.

Dear C,

Yes this is normal! Almost everyone has hair in their ass crack and it’s a topic that often gets brought up in Bodysex workshops. On some women you can see the hair peeking out when their bum cheeks are closed and some only when they’re open. When women don’t have hair it’s usually because they wax or shave it. The problem is that many of our ideas of what normal looks like come from porn — which doesn’t portray normal at all. Women in porn shave their bodies, bleach their assholes and undergo labia plasty surgery to change how their vulvas look. Porn gives us the idea that bodies are hairless, blemish free and all “tucked” in. This is bullshit!

So yes hair trailing from your butt to vulva is perfectly normal and if you want to leave it be then do it! It’s your body and it’s beautiful as it is.

Love Natasha

Dear Natasha,

I have a problem. I can only orgasm during sex when I am on top and I rub against him. It’s not like how women in porn orgasm from penetration and no rubbing. What’s wrong with me?

Thanks,
F.

Dear F.,

The difference between you and the women in porn is that you are actually orgasming and they aren’t! There is nothing at all wrong with you. You are achieving orgasm by stimulation of your clitoris which is your primary sex organ. This is the way that most women orgasm and you are able to do it while being penetrated which is a great way!

Porn is geared towards what the camera can capture. If someone were to film a woman orgasming from clitoral stimulation, something would be covering her clitoris which wouldn’t exactly lend itself to viewing pleasure. To orgasm all women need stimulation of their clitoris – either directly or indirectly. Direct is what you are talking about when you rub during sex and indirect means that the small percentage of women who are orgasming from vaginal penetration alone are doing so because the roots of their clitoris are being stimulated through their vagina. Your clitoris is much larger than what you see on the outside and is actually close in size to a penis on the inside of your body.

So basically there is nothing at all wrong with you. Enjoy your orgasms and never feel bad for doing what you need to do to get them!

Happy orgasms,
Natasha