Dear Natasha,

I’m looking for some advice. When my husband and I have sex we start by massaging each other and then he goes down on me. I love both of these things but they don’t make me cum and he always seems to wish that they would. When I get so turned on and feel like I can’t take it anymore, I ask him to fuck me. Doggy style is our favourite position so we usually start this way and after about ten minutes I can tell that he is ready to cum but wants me to first. The rhythm will be good and I will be so horny but I just can’t cum without my clit being rubbed too. Sometimes he reaches around and tries to rub it but it’s hard for him to give the pressure and touch that I need to orgasm. After awhile his hand will drop away and Its obvious that he’s getting tired of doing it. He’ll say “I want you to cum” and this just makes me feel more pressure to hurry up. No matter how turned on I am I know that there’s no way I’m going to cum this way. At this point I can tell that he’s feeling frustrated – like he’s failing me somehow. I decide to just fake it so that he can cum and neither of us have to feel bad anymore. After he gets off, I go to the bathroom to clean up, lay on the floor, rub my clit and get off really fast. It’s really easy to orgasm at this point cause I am so turned on from the sex. Some nights I would rather just masturbate so that I don’t have to feel like a failure during sex. Do you have any advice for me?”

Thanks so much,

H.

Dear H,
I hear this kind of problem all the time and in fact it’s the most common question that I get asked. First of all please understand that MOST women do not orgasm from penetration alone and this is totally normal. I have many emails from women saying that they get off alone after having had sex with their partners!

IMO the best and most consistent way for you to learn to orgasm during sex is through masturbation. It sounds like you know how to pleasure yourself alone but have you considered incorporating this skill into sex with your husband? I get that this idea might seem shocking and impossible but if you take small steps to get there, I think you will both be very happy.

First of all if you can let your husband watch you masturbate it’s the best way for him to learn exactly what kind of touch works for you. Every woman is different and it takes time to know what someone likes. Masturbating in front of him is like a tutorial on how to get you off. How can that be a bad thing?

Or you might find that he enjoys watching you touch yourself so much that it makes sense for you to focus on that while he takes care of the penetration side of sex. The best kind of orgasms are a combination of both vaginal penetration and clitoral stimulation. You can use your hand or a toy to stimulate your clit during sex but keep in mind that certain positions make it easier to do this – doggy style against a couch(you need to be able to lean on something so that you can free up a hand), reverse cowgirl, or him kneeling in front of you while you sit back on the couch or bed.

You may wonder how to bring up the topic of masturbation with him. I get how hard this can be and it took 32 years for me to admit to anyone that I masturbated. (now look at me!!!) But really most of us do. If you are really scared you could tell him you stumbled across a website where a sex educator says that the best way to enhance sex is to masturbate during it( natashasalaash.com ) You can make a joke to him about it and with that you’ve planted a seed. Depending on what he is like he will probably be thrilled to watch and it might be more a matter of getting you past your fears of doing it in front of him.

If that is the case here are some steps to help you ease into it. These, by the way, are tried and tested by myself as I had to learn how to do this as well.

• Begin by blindfolding him and masturbating beside him in the room. It still may take a few tries to relax enough to cum, but once you do you’re ready for the next step.
• The next step is to take his blindfold off and make him promise to look away while you get off. Make sure he knows that if he looks he dies. It’s important for you to not have to worry about being seen. This fear is all in your head and you need to be completely relaxed in order for the orgasm to flow.  Once you can do this, you are ready to let him watch.

Don’t expect too much the first time you try in front of him. Masturbation is highly intimate and it’s okay to be nervous. But practice makes perfect and it is so hot to watch a woman give herself pleasure.

As long as he can let go of the idea that he has to solely give you your orgasms, adding your own touch to your sex life will mean more pleasure for both of you. Plus it frees up his hands to touch other erogenous zones on your body.

Let me know how it goes!

Natasha