by Natasha | Aug 7, 2015 | Q&A |
Dear Natasha,
I’ve heard other women talk about having multiple orgasms but I’ve never gotten one. Sometimes after I have an orgasm I feel like I’m not finished and I want more but my clit is too sensitive to touch. How can I learn to have multiple orgasms?
Thanks,
B.
Dear B.,
Great question! One of the best things about being a woman is that we are all capable of having multiple orgasms. Sometimes women mistake the after shocks of a single orgasm as being multiple orgasms. Having multiple or “serial” orgasms mean that you have more than one orgasm in a session and that each new orgasm has its own build up. The build up can be quick and take just a few minutes, or it can take up to an hour. Because your clit is still at least partially full of blood, from the previous build up, it often takes less time to achieve a second or third orgasm and the subsequent orgasms are often bigger and better.
I used to think that I could only get one orgasm at a time, and even if the one I got was huge, I wondered what was wrong with me that I couldn’t just keep going. It turns out that our mind is the biggest inhibiter of achieving things sexually, so if you think that you can’t do it – you won’t be able to. Since I always love a good challenge, I decided to practice and masturbating is the best way to practice any orgasm skills. You are alone, you can set the pace, and there is no one to judge you – except yourself! Ha ha. I started by setting a timer for an hour because, when you have it in your head that it is never going to happen, it can feel like it’s taking forever. Setting a timer eliminates the pull to check the clock which, in turn, helps you to stay focused on the physical sensations in your body and stay out of your head. After the first orgasm just keep going and sooner or later you will find that you are on the edge of another and so on.
To cope with the feeling of my clit being too sensitive to touch, I learned to use my breath. If you have given birth you might be familiar with breathing techniques to cope with pain during labour. Breath can also be used to help with the extreme sensitivity in your clit after orgasm. Try practicing different breathing techniques – breathe faster, deeper, longer, inhaling all the way in and exhaling all the way out – while also softly touching the area surrounding your clit. You will quickly discover what kind of breath helps with the sensitivity and you will be amazed how fast you are able to get back into another sexual buildup. It’s our instinct to hold our breath and pull back but doing so is counter intuitive. Breath is the life blood of your orgasm. Always remember that. Once you master this technique you will be able to match your breathing to any strong sensation you feel – like staying on the edge of an orgasm to make the build up and release greater.
As soon as you’ve had a multiple orgasm once it’s like your brain is rewired and you’ll be able to do it again and again and again. Changing our sexual patterns takes commitment – just like changing any pattern does, but it’s well worth the effort. This could be like a whole new world for you!
If you are with a partner that hasn’t achieved this skill (both men and women are capable of having multiple orgasms) don’t feel like you need to stop just because they’re done. You might find it best to get one or two in before they orgasm, or you just keep getting yourself off after they fall asleep beside you. Your primary relationship – sexual or not – is with yourself so give it all you got!
Lastly if you do learn to have multiple orgasms but don’t feel like it all the time – or ever – that’s okay too. Some people get caught up on “giving” their partners as many orgasms as possible and won’t rest until this is achieved. This pressure leads many women to feel the need to fake orgasms in order to please their partner. Don’t fall into that trap. An orgasm is an orgasm, is an orgasm. Just do what feels best for you.
Enjoy!
Natasha
by Natasha | Jun 29, 2015 | Q&A
Q&A pain during penetration
Dear Natasha,
Sometimes when I have sex with my husband it feels like his penis is going too deep and hitting something inside me that hurts. This happens mostly when I’m on top or if we do it doggy style and the pain is really sharp. His penis is normal size and I have had sex before him with a bigger penis that didn’t hurt. Can you help me?
Thanks,
D.
Dear D.
Thanks for your question! You are definitely not alone with this concern as I hear it often from women. It feels like his penis is hitting something because it is. It’s hitting your cervix. An interesting fact that many people don’t realize is that when a woman is aroused, her cervix/uterus actually lifts. This lifting is called “ballooning” and it adds length to your vagina making room for deeper penetration. So if deep penetration is hurting you I suspect that you are not adequately aroused when you have sex. One of my favourite things to demonstrate, during a private orgasm coaching session with a woman, is this cervical lift. When she first puts the dildo inside her vagina it will usually only fit half way. I put a mirror in front of her vagina to show her this and, after she stimulates her clitoris for awhile, I bring the mirror back so that she can see that the dildo is now all the way in. Most women are blown away by this.
It’s a sad fact that many women are having sex when they aren’t adequately aroused. If you and/or your partner take enough time to touch your clitoris before penetration, this pain won’t be a problem. Having deep sex – before your arousal is sufficient to lift and move the uterus and cervix out of the way – is going to hurt. The key to pain free penetrative sex is understanding that it takes a woman 20-30 minutes of adequate clitoral stimulation in order for her to be fully aroused.
Once a woman is aroused positions where she is on top or behind are great for penetrating that deep place. In fact many women talk about how amazing deep penetration feels and they like the feeling of the head of a penis gently nudging their cervix. Deep penetration also feels fantastic for the man because it’s almost like his penis has entered another room. Being deeply penetrated while at the same time stimulating your clit externally can make for one of the most powerful orgasms that you will ever have. If you are trying this during doggy style make sure that you have something like a couch to lean on so that you can comfortably free up one hand.
I recommend that you take the time to show your partner how you like to be touched before and during penetration. Teasing and touching a woman until she can’t take it anymore and needs that penetration seems to be a lost art. I think we as women can and should do our part in teaching it. If he isn’t patient enough or doesn’t know how to touch you the way that you want, then you can do it to yourself while he watches. Hopefully he will learn something and you will get the arousal you need for that deep spot.
Let me know how it goes.
Natasha
by Natasha | Apr 7, 2015 | Q&A |
Dear Natasha,
I’m looking for some advice. When my husband and I have sex we start by massaging each other and then he goes down on me. I love both of these things but they don’t make me cum and he always seems to wish that they would. When I get so turned on and feel like I can’t take it anymore, I ask him to fuck me. Doggy style is our favourite position so we usually start this way and after about ten minutes I can tell that he is ready to cum but wants me to first. The rhythm will be good and I will be so horny but I just can’t cum without my clit being rubbed too. Sometimes he reaches around and tries to rub it but it’s hard for him to give the pressure and touch that I need to orgasm. After awhile his hand will drop away and Its obvious that he’s getting tired of doing it. He’ll say “I want you to cum” and this just makes me feel more pressure to hurry up. No matter how turned on I am I know that there’s no way I’m going to cum this way. At this point I can tell that he’s feeling frustrated – like he’s failing me somehow. I decide to just fake it so that he can cum and neither of us have to feel bad anymore. After he gets off, I go to the bathroom to clean up, lay on the floor, rub my clit and get off really fast. It’s really easy to orgasm at this point cause I am so turned on from the sex. Some nights I would rather just masturbate so that I don’t have to feel like a failure during sex. Do you have any advice for me?”
Thanks so much,
H.
Dear H,
I hear this kind of problem all the time and in fact it’s the most common question that I get asked. First of all please understand that MOST women do not orgasm from penetration alone and this is totally normal. I have many emails from women saying that they get off alone after having had sex with their partners!
IMO the best and most consistent way for you to learn to orgasm during sex is through masturbation. It sounds like you know how to pleasure yourself alone but have you considered incorporating this skill into sex with your husband? I get that this idea might seem shocking and impossible but if you take small steps to get there, I think you will both be very happy.
First of all if you can let your husband watch you masturbate it’s the best way for him to learn exactly what kind of touch works for you. Every woman is different and it takes time to know what someone likes. Masturbating in front of him is like a tutorial on how to get you off. How can that be a bad thing?
Or you might find that he enjoys watching you touch yourself so much that it makes sense for you to focus on that while he takes care of the penetration side of sex. The best kind of orgasms are a combination of both vaginal penetration and clitoral stimulation. You can use your hand or a toy to stimulate your clit during sex but keep in mind that certain positions make it easier to do this – doggy style against a couch(you need to be able to lean on something so that you can free up a hand), reverse cowgirl, or him kneeling in front of you while you sit back on the couch or bed.
You may wonder how to bring up the topic of masturbation with him. I get how hard this can be and it took 32 years for me to admit to anyone that I masturbated. (now look at me!!!) But really most of us do. If you are really scared you could tell him you stumbled across a website where a sex educator says that the best way to enhance sex is to masturbate during it( natashasalaash.com ) You can make a joke to him about it and with that you’ve planted a seed. Depending on what he is like he will probably be thrilled to watch and it might be more a matter of getting you past your fears of doing it in front of him.
If that is the case here are some steps to help you ease into it. These, by the way, are tried and tested by myself as I had to learn how to do this as well.
- Begin by blindfolding him and masturbating beside him in the room. It still may take a few tries to relax enough to cum, but once you do you’re ready for the next step.
- The next step is to take his blindfold off and make him promise to look away while you get off. Make sure he knows that if he looks he dies. It’s important for you to not have to worry about being seen. This fear is all in your head and you need to be completely relaxed in order for the orgasm to flow. Once you can do this, you are ready to let him watch.
Don’t expect too much the first time you try in front of him. Masturbation is highly intimate and it’s okay to be nervous. But practice makes perfect and it is so hot to watch a woman give herself pleasure.
As long as he can let go of the idea that he has to solely give you your orgasms, adding your own touch to your sex life will mean more pleasure for both of you. Plus it frees up his hands to touch other erogenous zones on your body.
Let me know how it goes!
Natasha
