After an intense weekend of self-discovery and self-love, I was asked for one word to sum up how I was feeling. I tried not to overthink it and the word that came to me was warm. It wasn’t until I had taken a couple days to process and reflect that I really discovered what I meant.
Warm- Physically warm, the room was hot by the time our sweat, tears, breath, laughter and energy had filled the space. Emotionally warm, in the most kind nurturing sense of the word. So much safety in this room that felt like a womb, like a mothers hug, like a nest lined with the softest of intentions huddled together so close, getting to know each other as we each contemplated taking flight. Warm acceptance as we shared our stories, warm words and warm knowing looks as we held eye contact as well as the fleeting glances and sly smiles. Warm love as we held hands and passed our acceptance and admiration and strength to each of our sisters, hoping that she truly felt the depth of our embrace and support. Warmth, as my body softened and released the fear and tension I arrived with. Warmth as the cold wall I built within myself started to crumble. Giving myself permission to speak out and risk the rejection of not being heard, permission to stand in the warm sun instead of the shadows. Warm comfort as I slowly transitioned from awkward nervousness to absolute mellow. Warmth of that exhausted, content, fulfilled, post orgasmic sense of peace where you can just fall asleep with a smile on your face.
This is the image I want people to see if I have the guts to tell them I spent two days in a room completely naked with eight other women. To describe concretely that we sit together and discuss our history and feelings about body image, shame and orgasms probably sounds either terrifying or just way out there to most people. To go on and tell them we all lay back and each touch ourselves lovingly and orgasm side by side is kind of mind blowing, I know I had that reaction when first hearing Natasha, my friend and guide, talk about her experiences. I was so impressed when I first heard about these Bodysex workshops but thought that was amazing for other women, but no way could I possibly get naked. I was terrified of being truly seen (and maybe still am sometimes). I am often ok with being a vulnerable mess in some situations, but when I walk away I am back to my old protected, isolated self. Participating in the Bodysex workshop has given me the comfort and confidence to just own who I am, not to apologize for it. I still struggle to open up and be truly honest and vulnerable with people in my everyday life, but I know I deserve it and am worthy of that voice, so I will continue to practice and grow. I am hopeful and what a gift that hope is.