Who Owns The Rights To Our Pleasure?

Some women, who have enquired with interest about my workshops, have also voiced concerns that their husband or partner is uncomfortable with them participating. They feel that masturbating is a form of cheating and worry that it will make their husbands feel inadequate. These concerns got me thinking about a woman’s sexuality and who actually owns it. Who is in charge of our body? Who has the power over our orgasms? Who owns the rights to our pleasure? I can’t answer these questions for anyone else, but to find my own answers, I will begin with looking at what my sexuality means to me. I imagine it as a wheel and each spoke of the wheel represents a part of myself. There are physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual spokes in my wheel with my sexuality being evident in, and crucial, to the strength of all.

“Poor is the man, who’s pleasure depends, on the permission of another.”
– Madonna

My physical body is where I feel my pleasure and one of the most obvious expressions of my sexuality. It is evident in the way I speak, dance, dress, walk, smile, laugh, and cry. It is expressed in my choice of foods to eat, what I drink and any way that I physically nourish my body. I know what makes me feel good and what doesn’t and none of these decisions are made by anyone else. My body and my treatment of it is up to me. When I touch myself, allowing for time and care, I feel tenderness and love for this body that I have. My sexual relationship with my physical body helps me to forgive the parts that “failed” me, celebrate the parts that carried me, and give extra love to the parts that need it. No one else in the world can know these places as intimately as me. Imagining that this relationship that I have with myself can inhibit my ability to be intimate with another is impossible for me. It is the base from which all of my relationships stem from and it allows me to embrace myself as I am, express myself fully and be present in physical pleasure.

“ Masturbation is a way for all of us to learn about sexual response. It’s an opportunity for us to explore our bodies and minds for all those sexual secrets we’ve been taught to hide, even from ourselves. What better way to learn about pleasure and being sexually creative?”
– Betty Dodson

My emotional self is where I explore and aim to understand my stories, beliefs and perceptions about my sexuality. It is here where I go to figure out where my sexual and physical shame comes from, why I believe what I do about sex and intimacy, and also where I find my desire. The awareness of these things helps me to be authentic and present in sex and to understand the difference between what I have been taught by experience and culture and what is actually true for myself. If I don’t explore this intimate place my sexuality may be dictated by outside influences. I want it to be dictated by me and what feels right for myself. No one can say what that is for me, as much as I cannot say what that is for anyone else. When I am connected to and in sync with my emotional self, my pleasure is greater and I am able to reach orgasmic depths that would normally be blocked. I cannot aspire to the highest with one part of myself, if I’m denying it with another.

“The vulva, clitoris and vagina are just the most superficial surfaces of what is really going on with us. The real activity is literally far, and far more complex under these tactile surfaces. The vulva, clitoris and vagina are actually best understood as the surface of an ocean that is shot through with vibrant networks of underwater lightening – intricate and fragile, individually varied neural pathways.”
– Naomi Wolf

My intellectual spoke is where I seek to understand my anatomy, how my body responds to arousal and the biology around sex. I have discovered much of this through reading books on sexuality, learning from sex educators’ Betty Dodson and Carlin Ross, and also from exploring the responses in my own body. Testing out theories from others and learning about my anatomy through touch and experience has provided me with self knowledge, skills and understanding that I may not have if I didn’t seek to enhance this aspect of my sexuality. Every woman’s body is different in appearance as well as in it’s response to pleasure. Self love has given me concrete knowledge about how my body works and how breath, movement and sound can enhance my orgasms. My pleasure and my orgasms come from and belong to me. Sharing that knowledge with another creates an intimacy together, where I am able to give and receive pleasure – enhanced by my relationship with myself.

“Women know that they go into something like a trance state during really powerful sex, and this trance state, is an encounter with the self on another, higher level. We misunderstand women if we see their interest in romance as being only about the “other.” If a male or female lover can help a woman get to this trance state, that love is not just compelling to her because of the “other”; it is compelling to her because, through this sexual experience, she is awakening and engaging with profoundly important dimensions of her own self.”
– Naomi Wolf

Any woman who has experienced a full body, or “higher” orgasm will most likely understand when I say that it is a spiritual experience. Using my own hands or the hands of my partner to help an orgasm travel to the tips of my fingers, the ends of my hair, the base of my spine and the centre of my soul is an extremely spiritual experience. It isn’t something that happens every time, but at times when I am present and rooted in each spoke on the wheel of my sexuality. When I can allow my physical body, my emotions, my knowledge and my soul to be present and to let go, I meet myself in a place of transcendence and pure bliss. Letting go in this way takes vulnerability, trust, awareness and compassion for myself first and foremost but also a willingness to go to this place with another. To share it with my partner only adds to the depth of those feelings and enhances all areas of our relationship.

So, it seems that the answers to my questions came back to ME. My primary sexual relationship is with myself and, all that I am, comes from that base. Keeping it strong and empowered requires stimulating and feeding all aspects of my wheel. If I have given the rights to my pleasure away, I am risking the chance of getting no pleasure at all. But knowing my body, and how to find my own pleasure means that I will always have that right. With or without a partner. My workshops provide a safe, warm, loving space where women can explore these parts of themselves without judgement, persuasion or ownership from another. Finding our sexuality and what it means to to us on our own terms, will enhance all of the relationships in our lives. I invite you to journey with me, in person or from your own home, to explore these questions, build on this intimacy and share ourselves – as we choose – with those most important in our lives.
Natasha

//dodsonandross.com