It Takes A Special Kind Of Person To Do This Deeply Personal Work
Last week I attended a therapeutic pelvic floor massage with my colleague and friend Carly Rae. Even though I had no idea what to expect, knowing how passionate Carly is about her work, I wasn’t nervous at all. I was so relaxed in fact that I didn’t bother to tell her beforehand that I was on the last day of my period. I knew that she’d be okay with whatever my body did, and because of that, I felt really safe.
Safe, relaxed and held are the best words I would use to describe the session. Carly made sure that I was comfortable and exuded a warmth and softness while at the same time extreme confidence in what she was doing. She began by working on my stomach and explained things about my diastasis (separation of my abdominal muscles from pregnancy) that no doctor had told me before.
Moving on to the pelvic floor massage, she began by softly touching my vulva to encourage relaxation. Laying back I felt completely relaxed and was able to fully enjoy her touch. It occurred to me that no other human being had ever touched my vulva in a non sexual – but pleasurable way before. It felt really nice, completely normal, and totally safe.
The internal massage was like nothing I’ve felt before and Carly explained that “It’s a massage from the inside out.” I was struck by how intuitively she moved her fingers inside me – telling me what she was noticing with each move. She could tell exactly where my bike seat rests against my pelvic bones and explained that the tissues in those areas are stuck to the bone. Using what felt like very soft touch and the slightest movements, she massaged those tissues to encourage them to once again separate. At times I felt a discomfort – not pain – and had to breathe into it to manage it.
After the full massage I felt open and fully relaxed. Working with women who’ve experienced birth trauma, sexual abuse, and physical and sexual shame I know that a healthy pelvic floor sets a base for a healthy self. I think it takes a special kind of person to do this deeply personal work and I’m so grateful to Carly for sharing her gift with us.//www.carlyrae.ca
The Connection Between My Willingness To Be Vulnerable And My Orgasmic Power
“Lastnight I had the greatest most vibrant orgasm.I can see clearly the correlation between vulnerability and orgasmic power.” – Anais Nin.
4 years ago I began a journey inwards by seeking out vulnerability. Seeing things that I held back from, feared and felt shame about, I realized how they limited the experiences I was having in my life. Making the decision to walk into the experiences, feelings and self touch that I’d been avoiding was terrifying, but each time I did it I discovered a new part of myself that had been blocked.
Through this self discovery I developed a relationship with myself that allowed me to use my sexual response and orgasms as a window into my own whole wellbeing. My orgasms – the strength of them, the way they travelled through my body or stayed in one place, the ease or difficulty in which they came — showed me where I was at physically, emotionally and spiritually.
About a year ago, while undergoing huge and difficult changes in my personal life, I began noticing a big difference in my response to pleasure and the strength of my orgasms. Unable to let go and love myself I’d been trying to will myself into orgasming – not really being present in the experience leading up to it. I could see myself doing this in a few different ways — masturbating less and masturbating with clothes on instead of fully naked and open. I’d reverted back to my teenage masturbation practice of holding my breath and clenching my left hand — being unwilling to open it and explore the curves of my breasts or hips. Feeling undeserving of the love and appreciation that I’d developed for myself these past few years, my orgasms were reflecting that.
Putting expectations on the orgasmic response I felt I should be getting, led me to try harder and longer and ended with me frustrated and feeling like a fraud for teaching things that I was obviously no good at. Seeking guidance I reached out to my mentor Betty Dodson for advice and she responded just like a mother would — loving, reassuring and at the same time blunt. Betty assured me that she herself has gone through this, that it’s a normal part of life and that there’ve been times where she actually broke up with herself — no sex at all. She went on to say that “in terms of the love affair with yourself, you might say you’re being a demanding “bitch” with your orgasm expectations.” She encouraged me to let go of expectation, keep masturbating and teaching, and that in time the connection will return.
Reassured I followed her advice while in the meantime committing myself to seeking out vulnerability and doing other things to strengthen and open myself — as I had done 4 years ago when I’d begun this journey. I started with what seemed like a crazy decision to do a 200k bike trip alone. I loved biking but I’d never gone over 30k in one stretch, rode only a mountain bike, didn’t know how to change a tire and was terrified to sleep alone by the side of the road. Walking into the fear I knew I needed to try. In the end I made it just over halfway having pushed myself past the point I thought I was capable of. I’d cried, been pelted by hail, experienced unbelievable physical pain and the fear of being alone at night. It was in my pain and my fear however, that I rediscovered the strength and inner power that had been lost along the way.
Feeling the need to discover more in myself I booked a private breath work session. Being used to holding space for others in their vulnerability I longed to let go and allow someone else to hold space for me. Even though I wanted this there’s a huge risk involved in truly showing up and actually allowing it to happen. Just as I look at my orgasms as a window into my wellbeing, I knew that the facilitator would look at my breath in the same way. After the session I asked him for feedback and he told me in a kind and gentle way that he had noticed my strong sexual energy, desire for living life and also my need for control, closed heart and tight stomach. I felt both surprised and horrified that someone else saw these things in me. Experiencing a full on vulnerability hangover I spent days reflecting on his response and the truth in it.
About a week later I decided to attend another breath work group ceremony led by the same facilitator. Laying back in the circle I focused consciously on my breath and pulling it up into my heart as I inhaled and letting it flow out of my vulva as I exhaled. What transpired over the next hour is difficult to put into words and I imagine almost unbelievable to someone outside of it. At some point, lost in focusing only on my breath, I was startled by the most intense physical pain i’ve ever experienced in my life. When I literally thought I couldn’t bear it any longer the pain was gone and was followed by what felt like the first breath of my life. The openness with which the air moved through me with that breath caused me to burst into tears. I sobbed and sobbed from the deepest parts of myself. As I lay on the floor crying in a circle of strangers, I knew without a doubt that I’d truly shown up.
Two days later laying completely naked on my bed, I set a timer for an hour with the intention of just touching myself. Having grown accustomed to the fear and disappointment of seeing my disconnect with myself through my orgasms I was nervous to try again. It seemed smart to go back to the place of learner that I’d started from 4 years ago when I’d never touched my body with my hands. So, using my breath as my guide, I explored myself with both hands focusing only on the sensations at my fingertips and the words that I spoke over and over “I love you Natasha.” My orgasm came as a complete surprise— just minutes before the end of the hour — and I could feel all of the built up orgasmic energy travel up with my breath and into my heart. I cried and cried with the comforting and old, yet familiar feeling, of being at home in myself that I’d missed so much.
Since that day my orgasms have been reflecting the openness in my heart, acceptance I have with myself(strengths and weaknesses) and this new path that I’m on. Coming full circle back to the place I began my sexual awakening from 4 years ago has been humbling and difficult for me. I feel grateful though that by looking into this window I’ve learned, as Anais Nin did, the connection between my willingness to be vulnerable and my orgasmic power.
November Bodysex Retreat Registration Half Full!
My November Bodysex Retreat is half full! 2 nights all inclusive, healthy home made meals and snacks, vibrator, body henna and hair braiding by local artist Stiina //www.stiina.net…. This is a time for you to be nurtured, create sisterhood, heal body shame and celebrate pleasure. Email me to book or register on the site ❤️
Dear Pussy
* art by Betty Dodson
I received this letter anonymously from a man who reads my blog and was saddened by the shame that many women feel about the look, smell, taste and wetness of their pussy. What a beautiful expression of appreciation for this amazing part of our anatomy. Wow is all I can say!
Hello beautiful,
We haven’t really talked as much as we should, so I fear some misunderstandings may have grown between us over time. I really want to take this opportunity to let you know what’s in my head and in my heart because I think some of it may surprise you.
Every time I look at you my heart skips a beat. I can’t get enough of that, you really take my breath away. I’ve never seen another quite like you, and every detail is a delight. I know sometimes you worry about your shape, or size, or contours. Sometimes you wonder if your lips are too big or too small, if you look better with more or less hair. Maybe you even wonder if it’s a turnoff that everything isn’t quite symmetrical. Please let me assure you that none of that is anything you should worry about, you really are absolutely perfect. The more I get to know you the more I love all the little differences that make you unique and the more beauty I see in you. I could look at you all day and never get tired of it.
I can smell you and I love it. Not from very far away (unless you’re very very excited, and what a thrill that is!), but when we’re snuggling up close your scent absolutely grips me. It’s hard to describe, there’s nothing else in the world that smells like you so trying to find a comparison is impossible. The best I can do is say that you smell like it feels to kiss for the first time, or feel a lovers hands on my body. Your smell fills my world when you’re near and turns me on like nothing else can, and it changes through the month like seasons. Sometimes it’s light and delicate and sometimes it’s heady and complex, but it’s always amazing. You may be tempted to cover your scent with perfumed soaps and washes, particularly when it’s stronger, but I love when you don’t – strawberry is nice but raw pussy rocks my socks off.
Your taste is as hard to describe as your scent, and just as unique and incomparable. Clean and pure like rain on steel, there’s nothing else like it and it’s utterly intoxicating. Different parts of you have different flavours too. Your lips and clitoris usually have a smoother, lighter taste, but when I plunge my tongue deep into you there’s almost an electric overtone. I love exploring your flavours with my tongue, finding the subtle differences and hidden deliciousness. Sometimes if you’re just out of the shower or bath I can hardly taste you at all and I miss it.
Your wetness speaks volumes to me. When I see you glistening, or feel you slick and slippery beneath my fingers, or hear the soft wet noises as you move or we move together it tells me how amazingly turned on you are. The idea that you could be “too wet” makes about as much sense to me as saying you could be “too aroused.” On days when you aren’t as wet as you’d like to be it’s a huge turn-on for me to cover my fingers in lube and gently spread it all over and around your sensitive folds.
When you feel sexy it makes me feel sexy with you. Lots of hair, no hair, a little hair in a funky design, piercings, henna, white cotton, black leather, red silk, it’s all fantastic. I’ve never seen you look anything but amazing. If there was anything at all I’d change about you it’s this: I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, touch yourself with my fingers, taste and smell you as I do; mere words don’t do you justice.
Love Always,
A man
Fall Bodysex Workshop/Retreat
Bodysex is a transformative and undefinable experience for women, of all ages and sexual orientations, interested in the empowering freedom that comes from shedding the masks, roles and clothing that we hide behind everyday. The workshop is done in the nude yet it is non sexual. It is about raising consciousness, creating sisterhood, healing body shame and celebrating pleasure.
The next Bodysex Retreat Weekend will be November 4th-6th 2016, held at a private retreat centre near Saskatoon SK. Canada. It’s the perfect place to relax, let go and just be. The retreat has a “slumber party” feel to it with healthy home made meals and snacks lovingly prepared by me and my assistant Patti throughout the weekend. Henna tattooing and hair braiding is also offered by local artist Stiina. During non workshop hours participants will be free to walk trails or the labyrinth, spend time alone or visit with the other women.
The two day workshop will include:
- Sacred circle where, in first person, we share how we feel about our bodies and our orgasms. This is the time to let go of any shame that has been holding us back from fully celebrating our pleasure. Through this, the roots of sisterhood will begin forming as we accept each other for who are. No more and no less.
- Group genital show and tell. This is a powerful ceremony where we display our vulva one at a time, identify all of the parts of our anatomy and recognize the beauty and diversity amongst us.
- Learn new methods to enhance our orgasms and our self loving practice. Understanding our sexual anatomy, how breath, movement, sound and our pc muscle work to enhance our pleasure on all levels.
- Self loving, side by side, in the circle during “erotic recess.” Sharing our own pleasure, without expectation, with other women is one of the most powerful experiences that you will ever have. This is about learning to be our own lover, healing body shame, overcoming sexual guilt and sharing in sisterhood. This is also an opportunity for me to help personally guide you, towards orgasm or increased pleasure if you have never orgasmed or are having difficulty and would like help.
- Group massage. This ancient practice is almost impossible to describe in words. It is a transcendent experience where we are able to give and receive loving, non sexual touch from the other women in the circle.
Retreat Details:
Location: Outside Saskatoon SK. Canada. (exact location will be disclosed to registered participants only)
(transportation from Saskatoon to the retreat location provided for out of town participants for a fee)
Dates: 1pm, November 4 – 1pm, November 6th
Cost: $575 CDN for first time participants, $375 for returning. Included in this fee is the full Bodysex workshop, mystic wand vibrator, healthy meals(locally sourced and organic where possible) shared accommodation for 2 nights (there is a price reduction of $70 for women not wanting to use a vibrator or bringing their own)
$200 NRF deposit on registration.
Space is limited to 10 participants
Please advise me of any dietary restrictions and/or preferences
Register on my website here or email natashawiig@hotmail.com for all enquiries.
Here are some links for further information
//natashasalaash.com/everything-you-need-to-know-about-bodysex-canada/
I Felt Beautiful, Sexy And I Just Happened To Be Bleeding
During my May Bodysex Retreat, while we were doing nude photos, I looked down between my legs to see blood coming out of me. Literally hours before I had mentioned to the other women that someday I would love to take a group photo of women who are menstruating at the same time. Ofcourse right away one of the women suggested that we take those photos of me. The idea of doing it alone scared me and I thought “fuck this is one of those times where I’m going to have to practice what I preach!” But with the encouragement of the other women and the sun on my face WE went for it. From my hair braided so lovingly by one of the women, all the way down to the dirt on my feet from the forest floor — I felt beautiful, sexy and I just happened to be bleeding. Fuck the shame that I have carried for so long over my body and my natural body functions. It has kept me hidden for too long and I refuse to keep it any more. Thank you so much to my sisters who so lovingly encouraged me to let it go.
Q&A: I’m Always Worried About How My Vagina Smells
Hi Natasha,
I’m always worried about how my vagina smells and I shower sometimes twice a day so that my boyfriend doesn’t ever smell it. I know that I don’t have an infection because I got it checked out and my Dr. said I’m normal, but still when he goes down on me I can’t enjoy myself at all cause I’m just wondering if I stink. What can I do? Can you recommend products that can make me smell different?
Thanks,
L.
Dear L.,
This is such a common concern for women and it’s really no wonder considering that we’re constantly inundated by advertisements for feminine “hygiene” products and jokes about fishy smell. As women we spend a great deal of time worrying about this and doing things to eliminate our natural smell completely. This is actually counterintuitive because our body produces pheromones as a way of attracting mates and promoting sexual desire. It is because of these pheromones that Napoleon in his famous letter to his wife wrote: “Beloved, I shall return in two weeks. Do not bathe until I come back. I want you to smell the same as when I left you“. It’s also the reason that strippers make more money when they are on their period.
Even though it’s normal for your vagina to have a smell there are certain situations where the smell is abnormal. Your vagina cleans itself and will maintain a healthy ph balance but certain things can disrupt this balance. You mentioned that you don’t have a vaginal infection which is one cause of abnormal smells, but interestingly enough sperm is also a culprit. Sperm is designed to stay alive in order to reach the egg. Because of this it can which change the PH balance causing an odor – especially after sex. Menstrual blood also has a high PH level and can change the smell as well as different foods you eat such as asparagus, garlic and spices. In order to keep this level balanced I recommend taking a daily probiotic which you can find at your local health food store. Make sure that you only buy probiotics that are kept refrigerated as they contain live bacterial cultures.
The other thing I recommend is for you to spend some time getting used to your smell. Try only showering once a day or even every other day and making a point of touching your vulva and putting your finger inside your vagina. When you touch yourself take a sniff. This smell is essentially the essence of who you are. It will probably be one of the earliest smells in your memory and one that might have given you comfort as a child. This smell is you and it’s fucking awesome. I once heard a man with a beard say he avoided washing his face after going down on his girlfriend because he wanted to sniff her scent all day. I’ve also heard women talk about sniffing their fingers longingly after masturbating and how it reminds them of sex. If these ideas disgust you then I’d suggest you need more exposure to your own scent. Rub and sniff and do it repeatedly. We’re trained to like artificial smells or no smell at all, but with exposure you can learn to like our own smell. If you own it then chances are he will too. Enjoy!!!
Natasha
We Are All Cut From The Same Piece Of Wood
It seems to me that every Bodysex workshop/retreat holds a different gift in it, and this one was no exception. There were 12 women in the circle who had travelled from around Saskatchewan, British Columbia, Alberta and all the way from Georgia to be there. Four of the women were “alumni” returning for — what one woman called — “The crack cocaine that is Bodysex.”
The beauty of doing a Bodysex workshop as part of a weekend retreat is that time allows for the elements of the workshop to become normalized on a much deeper level. The whole experience felt like one big pyjama party except that we rarely wore our pjamas. We got naked right at the start and spent the entire weekend in various states of undress. We laughed, we cried, we held each other and we shared stories. Stories of heartache, loss, struggle, body shame, fantasy, pirates, hot sex, masturbating with strange objects and in strange places. There were 3 separate masturbation circles with only one being part of the actual workshop. If we opted out of it physically we were able to join in energetically — celebrating from the other room as we heard others climax. We ate nourishing food (made lovingly by Patti) and shared our personal gifts and talents with each other. Card readings, mediumship, reiki, henna, crocheting, hair braiding, singing, crafting, quotes, musical instruments, yoni egg “laying” and touch were all shared together.
Throughout the weekend I recognized myself in each and every one of the women. I saw myself in their stories and in the scars and stretch marks on their bodies. I saw me in their beauty and their guilt — in the way they nurtured, in their insecurities and in the sheer bravery with which they shared all of this. I felt an empathy for them on a level that I have never felt before and with that empathy came a deep love towards each woman. Then — like a loop — that love and empathy came back to me and I entered into my own pain that I had been afraid to feel. I cried and cried. Cried with pain and disappointment at feeling like I’m not the woman that my 20 year old self imagined I’d always be. Shame that I have made decisions over the past couple of years that have been for me and my well being over others. Acceptance that I am not perfect and never will be. And love for where I have come from and where I am going.
Nearing the end of the workshop while doing the group massage, we sang in acknowledgement of the pain that each woman has been through. Pain that was not only visible but could be felt under our fingertips as we touched each others bodies. While we touched, we sang and the words poured out with our tears…..
“How could anyone ever tell you, that you’re are anything less than beautiful. How could anyone ever tell you, that you’re less than whole? How could anyone fail to notice that your loving is a miracle? How deeply you’re connected to my soul.”
Watching one of the women lovingly lower her head until she was joined forehead to forehead with the woman we were touching, I knew without a doubt that what we were doing was a healing ritual that went above and beyond any definition or title.
This weekends Bodysex retreat was a mirror for me. And in that mirror I saw each of the 11 other women looking back at me. We are our own unique selves but — like the wooden necklaces that we each wore around our necks — we are all cut from the same piece of wood. Just as I love them, I love myself. With gratitude beyond words, I thank you sisters. Much, much love and more from Foxy to….
Turtle
Luna
Persephone
CLP
Petal
Butterfly
Sophie
Aurora Stones
Rocking Ruby
Summer
Pretty Poussey
**photos posted with permission
I Can Be Both A Loving Mother And A Sexual Woman………. In A Culture That Tells Me I Can’t Be
After pouring English breakfast tea into my beautiful hand made mug, I take my first sip and sigh. Growing up with an English mother I have always loved the ritual of drinking tea. Boiling the water, letting it steep in a pot, pouring the milk first and then the tea – it has to be made a certain way otherwise I’d rather not have it at all. Setting the mug down on the counter I go back to my task at hand – washing an assortment of brightly coloured dildos in the kitchen sink. Tonight I am teaching a Penis Pleasing Workshop at Positive Passions, and this is part of my preparation.
A buzz from my phone interrupts my thoughts as my 2nd oldest daughter texts to say that she’s having trouble getting her little sister to sleep. “Try singing ‘mama loves you’” I text back, hoping that she falls asleep soon or she’ll be grumpy tomorrow.
My awareness shifts back to my work and I continue to wash the dildos noticing the differences in each one – colour, veins, testicles and size. Wondering which ones the women will want to practice on, I settle on a variety and set them onto a towel to dry.
Ten minutes later – carrying my mug of tea in one hand and my rainbow of dildos in another, I go to the workshop room and set up the space.
Dildos.
Lube.
Napkins.
Done.
I sit down and begin going over the material while at the same time wondering if the kids remembered to feed the bunnies. Standing up to grab my phone to text them, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror on the wall. On the outside I look like one woman but on the inside I know I’m made up of many different women. Women reflective of all of the journey’s that I’ve been on. I see the madonna, I see the whore, the sensitive and the rude. The woman who used to be too scared to walk into this store, and the woman who can now comfortably talk about anything and everything to do with sex. I’m all of these women.
It has taken me time to get used to talking openly in this way and also to learn that there are times when it’s best to not say anything at all. If I’m honest I can admit that I still worry about judgement from others and have to remind myself all the time that I can be both a loving mother and a sexual woman — especially in a culture that tells me I can’t be.
My thoughts are interrupted by the sound of the front door opening. The workshop participants have arrived and it’s time for me to go greet them.
Mug in hand I walk to the door and say “Hello my name is Natasha. I am a mother of 5, Sex educator, Orgasm Coach, and Bodysex facilitator. Today we are going to learn different ways to pleasure a penis…. “
Choosing Vulnerability Over Fear And Walking Into Life
I’m always surprised when I hear from women who think that I’m fearless and have no doubts. I respond by telling them that when I write a blog post I feel like my chest has been ripped open and my heart exposed. I sit with it for sometimes hours, days or even months until I finally get the guts to post. Then as soon as I do I message one of my best friends to ask them to like it so that I can feel like I’m okay and breathe again. I’ve posted probably 30 times and, while it gets easier each time, I still experience feelings of self doubt and fear.
Before each Bodysex workshop I lead I go back and forth between feeling completely elated to completely inadequate. Will Betty be proud of me? What if the women expect more from me than I can live up to? Am I enough to do this work? Will they accept me when I also share my fears, inadequacies and self doubts? Will they accept my naked, imperfect body?
Sometimes well meaning people ask — “If writing these personal stories or leading these workshops makes you feel this exposed and vulnerable— why would you do it?” The answer for me is in the correlation between being vulnerable and feeling powerful. It isn’t at all that I am unafraid, it’s more that I’m making the choice not to let fear rule me.
Choosing this means to me the difference between walking INTO life or staying on the sidelines.This might mean that what I’m walking into feels like a hail storm where I’m being pummelled repeatedly in the face. Or it could feel like walking into something mildly uncomfortable like sleet. Other times though I feel like I’m walking into the sunshine on the most beautiful day you can ever imagine.
No matter the circumstances, each time I walk into it, I always get through it and continue walking — feeling stronger and caring less about what people think about me. I laugh harder and deeper than I’ve ever laughed before — even and especially at the things about myself that I used to be too horrified to admit existed. I can lose myself with complete abandonment in sex and not worry about what I look or sound like or if I took too long to cum. I can dance like Elaine on Seinfeld and feel like the girl in the room who’s having the most fun. I can, I can, I can.
I’ll never be perfect and — looking back on my life so far — I’m sorry that I spent so many years shielding myself in the hopes that no one else would realize that simple fact. I will never be fearless, or without doubts. I will however continue to make the decision to choose vulnerability over fear and walk INTO life.
Betty Dodson® and Bodysex® are registered trademarks of the Betty Dodson Foundation