Just over three years ago I flew to NYC to attend my first Bodysex workshop. At that time I was disconnected with myself sexually, afraid to cry in front of others, 10lbs skinnier and hated my body. I was terrified of my “ugliness” being seen and at the same time desperate for someone to see it and love me anyways. I wasn’t sure what I’d get from doing something that scared me so much, but I did know that I wanted to find a way through all of my insecurities and feel like I’m enough as me.
For a year before the workshop I’d been on an inner journey — trying to figure out who I was and where I fit into my different roles as mother and wife. So much of my time and energy was spent pleasing others and care taking. Somewhere along the line my self worth had become tied up in other peoples opinions of me and in seeking validation from them.
Today I am on a plane flying back home from NYC having just attended a Bodysex retreat with women from around the world, getting certification to lead their own groups. All of these women have done at least one Bodysex workshop and some, like me, already lead their own groups.
As I watched these other women throughout the weekend — and thought of how they live their lives at home as nurses, make up artists, healers, teachers, professors, realtors, lawyers, sexologists, labourers, mothers, wives and daughters — I saw me. I saw me in the way they connected to themselves sexually — masturbating side by side in a variety of positions, using vibrators, dildos and hands — like it was the most natural thing in the world. I saw me as I witnessed them encouraging each other to make whatever sound they needed to, or take as much time as needed to reach orgasm. I saw me in the tears that fell without shame —tears that represented understanding, pride, honour, respect, healing, joy, freedom and pleasure. I saw myself in all the different body types and characteristics — curves, rolls, stretch marks, freckles, strength and softness. I saw myself in the unapologetic way each woman carried her beautiful body — like they are living life from the inside out instead of the other way around. Embodied. Shoulders back. Tits out. Hips swaying.
Feeling so seen and so free with women, of whom most I had never met, I couldn’t help but feel such huge respect and awe for the common denominator we all share. Bodysex. A conscious and intentional circle of women sharing in both shame and pleasure. Naked, vulnerable and brave in a space where we don’t need to be anything other than who we are and we celebrate that.
These past three years have been almost like a continual birthing process for me with each day and each new experience that I choose for myself bringing me deeper into me. I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t been incredibly hard and at times painful to come to terms with all of my discoveries. I don’t have all the answers or even half of them. Sometimes I still feel insecure about my body and sometimes my orgasms are just meh. Most of the time however, I feel orgasmic, alive, free, empowered and excited for all of the discoveries, pleasures and joys yet to come my way. I feel at home in my body as it is and with the safety of feeling at home comes a deep trust that I’ll be okay no matter what. I am enough.
Thank you Betty, Carlin, and all of my Bodysex sisters for allowing me to see you, so that I could be reminded of what I see in me.
I’m so excited to announce these upcoming Bodysex retreat dates including a whole new Advanced retreat! Details can be found under “services” but if you have any questions at all please don’t hesitate to contact me. I’d love to share the circle with you. <3
Bodysex is a transformative and undefinable experience for women, of all ages and sexual orientations, interested in the empowering freedom that comes from shedding the masks, roles and clothing that we hide behind everyday. The workshop is done in the nude yet it is non sexual. It is about raising consciousness, creating sisterhood, healing body shame and celebrating pleasure.
The next Bodysex Retreat Weekend will be September 22nd-24th 2017, held at a private retreat centre near Saskatoon SK. Canada. It’s the perfect place to relax, let go and just be. The retreat has a “slumber party” feel to it with healthy home made meals and snacks lovingly prepared by me and my assistant Patti throughout the weekend. Henna tattooing and hair braiding is also offered by local artist Stiina. During non workshop hours participants will be free to walk trails or the labyrinth, spend time alone or visit with the other women.
The two day workshop will include:
- Sacred circle where, in first person, we share how we feel about our bodies and our orgasms. This is the time to let go of any shame that has been holding us back from fully celebrating our pleasure. Through this, the roots of sisterhood will begin forming as we accept each other for who are. No more and no less.
- Group genital show and tell. This is a powerful ceremony where we display our vulva one at a time, identify all of the parts of our anatomy and recognize the beauty and diversity amongst us.
- Learn new methods to enhance our orgasms and our self loving practice. Understanding our sexual anatomy, how breath, movement, sound and our pc muscle work to enhance our pleasure on all levels.
- Self loving, side by side, in the circle during “erotic recess.” Sharing our own pleasure, without expectation, with other women is one of the most powerful experiences that you will ever have. This is about learning to be our own lover, healing body shame, overcoming sexual guilt and sharing in sisterhood. This is also an opportunity for me to help personally guide you, towards orgasm or increased pleasure if you have never orgasmed or are having difficulty and would like help.
- Group massage. This ancient practice is almost impossible to describe in words. It is a transcendent experience where we are able to give and receive loving, non sexual touch from the other women in the circle.
Location: Outside Saskatoon SK. Canada. (exact location will be disclosed to registered participants only)
(transportation from Saskatoon to the retreat location provided for out of town participants for a fee)
Dates: 1pm, September 22nd – 1pm, September 24th
Cost: $595 CDN for first time participants, $395 for returning. Included in this fee is the full Bodysex workshop, mystic wand vibrator, healthy meals(locally sourced and organic where possible) shared accommodation for 2 nights (there is a price reduction of $70 for women not wanting to use a vibrator or bringing their own)
$200 NRF deposit on registration.
Space is limited to 10 participants
Please advise me of any dietary restrictions
Register on my website here or email email@example.com for all enquiries.
This past month I had 3 orgasm coaching sessions with women who had never experienced an orgasm before. One of the women expressed frustration at being “robbed of this education” saying “I’ve basically lost ten or more years of this because of it.” By “this” she meant pleasure. She went on to explain that growing up her sex education consisted of no education at all. Raised Catholic she was taught nothing about basic sexual anatomy, sex or pleasure. When she began menstruating her mom gave her pads to use but didn’t explain where the blood came from or how to use a tampon. It was almost like she wasn’t even supposed to know she had a vagina. She could recall no memories of positive or negative words being spoken about her genitals and because of this, grew up completely disconnected to this part of her body.
You might read this and think it’s horrible and sad but in my experience it isn’t at all uncommon. While we openly talk with our children about other parts of their body and name these parts using accurate terminology, we often avoid teaching our children about their sexual anatomy or using the correct terms when we do. Instead of saying vulva, penis, testicles, and clitoris parents often use dumbed down terms like “front bum” “back bum” and “pee pee.” While we may think this makes it easier for children to understand, I think it actually does the opposite. Do we change the language for any other body part? If a child can understand that legs are called legs, and eye brows called eye brows, then why can’t they understand that a vulva is called a vulva? By avoiding these terms we pass our own sexual shame on to our children.
Children are great receivers but not great interpreters. They readily and easily receive information from everything and everyone around them — parents, teachers, friends and the media. Their interpretation of the information they receive however, is often not accurate. When parents fight they may think it’s their fault. If we make a disgusted face while changing their diaper, they may think that they are disgusting. When we cover our naked bodies they may think there’s something shameful about being naked. And when we avoid or dumb down talks about their sexual anatomy they might interpret those parts as being bad or dirty. In fact what we don’t say to our children teaches them much more than what we do say.
Even though I use the title “Orgasm Coach” for the work I do, in some cases I think a more accurate term would be “pleasure” or “self awareness” Coach.” The women I work with often speak of a complete disconnect between their self and their genitals. When a woman has grown up with little to no understanding of her sexual anatomy, has never masturbated and only learned about her “expected” role during sex from porn, she may have have absolutely no baseline or knowledge of pleasure. This same women may be (and often is )married and having sex in a variety of positions with her husband several times a week. Just because she has had sex doesn’t mean that she has ever experienced pleasure or can even begin to know what that would look or feel like. I can tell you that learning to let go and trust enough to experience pleasure for the FIRST time as an adult is not easy at all.
You may wonder what we can do as parents to support and educate our children to be sexually healthy as adults. First and foremost we can teach them by modelling ourselves what it means to be a sexually healthy adult. What that means to you may be different than what it means to me but I think it begins with using the correct terminology when teaching them about their sexual anatomy and not wincing when we do so. If you have difficulty saying the word clitoris out loud then your child will interpret something from that. If you can’t look at your own genitals without disgust and shame your child will likely not be able to either. What about conversations regarding masturbation? Encouraging natural self exploration will give them a base of knowledge about pleasure and connection for their rest of their lives — especially if it’s not met with shame. We can talk to them not only about boundaries but about pleasure, self care and ENTHUSIASTIC consent. When we feel healthy sexually ourselves, we can speak confidently and matter of factly — giving them the message that sex is a normal part of living a healthy life just like exercise and eating healthy is. We can tell them age appropriate stories about our past sexual experiences — from childhood masturbation, our own sexual shame, to teenage sex or the sex we wish we had had — so that they know we’re safe and have been there too.
As parents we need to push past our own learned sexual shame. Let’s give our children the education they need to live a healthy, pleasure filled life as an adult, so that that in 20 years time they don’t need to come to me to learn where their clitoris is or how to feel pleasure. Educate,educate,educate. <3