We Drew Nutrients From These Experiences And Our Petals Grew As We Shared Them
“The largest, and to some, the most beautiful flowering plant is the giant water lily. It floats gracefully on the water and blooms a large fragrant flower. What we don’t see is that the root is anchored in gross, dark mud. For something beautiful to blossom, it has to draw nutrients from the undesirable, the hidden, the decayed. I think that we are like that. The nutrients drawn from tough experiences contains the plasma that builds petals. So don’t shy away from jamming rootstock into the heart of the riverbank.” Mark Andrew
Reflecting on this past weekends Bodysex workshop, I can’t help but notice how the stages we pass through perfectly mimic the stages of an orgasm.
The beginning can be awkward as we tentatively seek to get to know each other. Like sex with ourself or another, we are often shy and nervous yet hopeful and hesitantly expectant that the experience will be the release that we need. I have never seen so clearly how layers of shame can cover us as I did this weekend. How even when we are completely naked we can remain hidden. As the initial awkwardness of our nakedness becomes the norm, we unintentionally find new ways to hold back. We cross our legs or arms, we hide our eyes, we over talk or talk too little – carefully constructing what we want to share, all the while knowing that there is so much more to uncover. The amount of energy that we put into covering what we are afraid others – or ourselves – will see, is tremendous and exhausting. It is also a barrier to our pleasure.
The beginning circle was almost like the dance of foreplay, getting to know each other, learning our curves and edges, and by the time we reached the show and tell – opening up our vulvas in front of each other, marvelling at our anatomy, and noting with fascination the differences in colour, shape and size of each of us – we began to feel more bonded. We held hands and blessed each woman’s vulva with a name – sending love and acceptance to her in her uniqueness. I have never been more touched by the power and necessity of this ceremony as I was this weekend.
When I am building my orgasms I often hold back, sitting on the edge enjoying the ride – not allowing myself to fall in until I can’t hold off any longer. In this sense I went through day one of the workshop as if I was edging an orgasm. Building up, wanting to surrender, but feeling the need to hold back until I could fully trust the experience enough to let it happen.
On day two I went in early to the workshop space and laid there filling the room with my orgasmic energy before the others arrived. These two orgasms, while satisfying, were like small shudders that happen before the huge release that I was building to. I knew that I was holding back and it was time to begin letting go. Knowing that I cannot aspire to the highest with one part of myself while denying it in another, I stared my own shame in the eye and saw that it was a question of me or it.
I opened the circle with a story that I had been holding in – afraid that I wouldn’t be accepted if they knew it yet so badly needing their acceptance. As words flowed out with my tears, I reminded myself of Betty’s reassurance that “The sisterhood will always carry you as long as you carry your honest I’’s” and when I looked around the room I knew that she was right. I saw love, understanding and acceptance and with my sharing done, the woman beside me went into the deep mud of her riverbank and shared her story. As we looked into her eyes and showed her our love and acceptance of all that she is, another woman spoke up followed by another and another and another and another. Stories of abuse, grief, lost love, infidelity, hopelessness, struggling to find our voice, yearning, reproductive trauma, rejection, redemption and aloneness poured out of us. Like water lily’s anchored in “gross, dark, mud” we drew nutrients from these experiences and our petals grew as we shared them. We cried and we laughed, holding hands and expressing our love for the realness, the authenticity and the muddy roots.
After the shedding of clothing, finding understanding in our physical bodies, and sharing our vulnerability we were now ready to surrender to our orgasms and celebrate our pleasure. We lay back and began the erotic recess with moans, soft and loud, filling the room as each woman “edged” her orgasm for the last time. Having shed so many heavy layers of my own shame there was no part of me to hold back or avoid. I was so aware of the sensations in my body that each bead of sweat down my back felt like the touch of a lover. Surrendering to orgasm after orgasm I heard and witnessed uncontrollable peals of laughter with the release of a laughgasm, shouts of “Same time next Sunday!?” and “Oh my GOD!” as we experienced the indescribable joy of sharing our pleasure waves and our beautiful petals with women who had also seen our muddy roots.
Like any great sexual experience, it should always be followed by touch. So with our bodies softened and defences down we began group massage with each woman receiving 10 minutes of loving touch, over her entire body. The reverence in this experience cannot be downplayed and if it is the most amazing thing that I ever give or receive in my life – it will be enough.
To end this fully orgasmic weekend we sat in a circle holding hands, tearfully looking into each others eyes and saying a word that encapsulated the experience for us. The words we spoke were free, connected, transcending, acceptance, warm, amazing, released, lightening and life changing. Then we raised our hands into the air and sent our orgasmic energy out in to the world in thanks to Betty Dodson who paved the way for this circle of sisterhood.
Thank you also to my sisters:
Bisou
Champagne Lace
Goddess
Rubus
Curly Pearly
Pusoir
Elle
Sting Ray
Leo
The Circle of Sisterhood Will Always Carry Me
It is the day before my second Bodysex workshop and I can’t pretend I’m not nervous. The same familiar questions of self doubt run through my head each time I prepare to enter this sacred circle. Will they still accept me when they really see me? Am I worthy of this role? Am I ok?
I have been more open in the last couple of weeks than I have in my entire life and each mask I take off, while terrifying, feels like a sigh of relief. It’s just me. It’s just me.
It seems that as soon as I feel this doubt, something happens reminding me to let it go. Yesterday the reminder came from one of the women in my last circle. She sent me this email and beautiful photo of herself that, with her permission, I’m sharing here.
Natasha!
Your second weekend is upon you. You are a wonderful, authentic person and you bring that sincerity to your workshops.How effing great that you get to promote the butterfly effect with all the women you teach. I know people around me have been touched by the changes in me. And who knows how they have touched other people.
I wish I could be there again. I’m almost envious of the other women. My experience was so life enhancing. And the women I met through you…I fucking love them all. Ahhhh!!! I’m so excited for you. I’m sure each group gets better and better. But remember, we popped your Bodysex cherry.
I love you Natasha!
Ps. I’m getting my hair cut tomorrow, here’s some fun pics my friend took of me yesterday. We were going for mermaid :). I can’t seem to stop being nude in nature!
And with this email and the tears that followed I knew that, just like Betty says, “The Circle of Sisterhood Will Always Carry Us.” I don’t need to be perfect – God knows I’m not. I don’t need to have it all figured out cause fuck I sure don’t! But as long as I take my place in the circle with my honest “I’s” the circle of sisterhood will carry me.
I look forward with immense gratitude to tomorrow and to each of the women who are bravely choosing to sit as sisters with me. I can’t wait to learn from them, to laugh, cry and orgasm with them as we celebrate all that we are, as we are -no more and no less – in the circle of sisterhood.
p.s. To the sisters who popped my “Bodysex cherry” and to all of the sisters who have sat with me in circles in NYC – My orgasms this weekend are in celebration of you!!! Celebrate with me wherever you are and we can light up the sky with our orgasmic energy! Wooo hoo!!!!! <3
My Sexuality Came From My Mother
A couple of weeks ago – feeling emotionally exhausted and broken – I felt an overwhelming need for elder women wisdom. I wanted support and words from those who have been here – where I am right now – and to know what they had learnt from this place. I reached out to my teacher Betty Dodson, my friend Celeste Lemieux, and primarily my own mother. In their own way each of the women gifted me with some of their strength, support and knowledge that it’s safe for me to be myself with them. It was however, by reaching out to my own mother in an open and very vulnerable way, that I discovered shamefully that I hadn’t really seen her before. I had never taken the time or energy to recognize her as a whole human being with physical, spiritual, emotional, intellectual and sexual parts. The wall around myself meant that not only was it difficult to see in, but it was also difficult to see out. By finally allowing her to see me, I was able to see her and in looking discovered that my sexuality comes from my mother.
My sexuality is not separate from myself or my life, but rather a crucial part of my everyday way of being and how I relate to my body. In this sense it can only be truly actualized when the other parts of myself are getting care and attention as well. Looking at my life I could clearly see how my mother has had an affect on my physical, emotional spiritual and intellectual well being – all of which are also a part of and influence my sexuality. In fact it’s impossible to look at my sexuality without looking at these elements of it. It is holistic.
So with overwhelming gratitude I wrote this for my mom.
Thank you mom.
For giving me life.
For breastfeeding me.
For encouraging me to “colour outside the lines” when my doing so was questioned by others.
For feeding me healthy food even though I resented you for it.
For setting up my childhood to always include space for awe and wonder.
For the cross you traced on my forehead when you thought I was sleeping.
For seeking out and following your own spirituality so that I knew that the same was possible for me.
For showing and telling me that I could do anything that I want to in life.
For taking me travelling.
For encouraging me and my friends to be artistic in a way that was unique and authentic to us. You did this by giving us free reign to decorate the cold storage room any way that we wanted to and provided a rainbow of paint colours and tiles to choose from – never once suggesting how we should do it.
For letting me make a mess.
For making me clean up my mess.
For always being there but never hovering.
For being rude to the one boyfriend who was rude to me. I secretly loved it.
For telling me that following my heart is essential but will never be easy.
For saying that you’re proud of me.
For allowing me to make my own mistakes and not punishing me for them.
For teaching me frugality and that joy comes from living with less.
For letting me learn alongside you rather than you doing it for me.
For helping people without judgement of their situation.
For allowing me to witness you breaking down sometimes so that I knew it was okay when it happened to me.
For always getting back up.
For giving me an appreciation of the smell of sweet peas, the feel of bread dough, the taste of homemade cooking, the sound of classical music and the ever present vision of your hands creating, cooking, building, sewing.
My own hands have taught me that no matter what struggles I have, they are an ever present point of connection with myself – my whole self.
Thanks mom.
Bodysex – A Celebration of Pleasure!
Why Do Bodysex Workshop Participants Have to Be Nude?
In this video I discuss the role that body shame plays in our relationship with ourselves and others, as well as how it can impact partner sex.
Q&A: I have never had or intentionally tried to give myself an orgasm. How do I go about doing that?
Dear Natasha,
I am 18 years old and have never had or intentionally tried to give myself an orgasm. My close friends and best friend are all very sexual people, and we openly discuss sexuality in such a positive light.(They’re experienced, I am not) I am very interested in embracing MY pleasure, but I’ve never masturbated before. There is a toy that I’ve been looking at getting, but should I experiment with myself first? And how do I go about doing that? I’m inexperienced in all aspects, and I want to learn! Thanks a bunch.
C.
Dear C.
Thanks for your question! I hear from so many women (many much older than you) who have never masturbated before so your question is very common. It is good that you are asking me now as it get more difficult – though not impossible – to learn as we age.
I think that you are right about experimenting with yourself first before trying toys. Toys can be a great addition to a persons sex life (with others or themselves) but they can also hinder things as it is easy to become dependant on them.
Have you ever touched your vulva? I recommend that you take a mirror and some coconut oil and sit down naked with the mirror between your legs. While touching your vulva softly with the oil, try to identify all of the parts – your clitoris, inner and outer lips, vaginal opening and your urethra if you can find it. It is important to look at our vulva and understand all of the parts as the first step towards body acceptance and embracing pleasure. You can find these parts at //www.labialibrary.org.au/anatomy/ if you are unsure of where they are. Remember that vulvas are like snowflakes and that each one is unique. Some have big inner lips and some have little but, whatever your style is, it is completely normal. You might even notice that your vulva resembles a seashell or a flower.
After this I suggest you start touching your vulva. Touch all over your lips and your clitoris and see what feels best to you. Every woman is different so it is important to explore yourself and figure out what you like. Set aside an adequate amount of time to touch so that you don’t feel pressured to orgasm. You may orgasm this first time or it may take several times of practicing before you do. This is okay. Like trying anything new it can take many tries before we learn. Some women like to rub around and around, while some like more of an up and down motion. Just listen to your body and follow what sort of touch feels right to you.
Once you learn to orgasm by hand you could try buying a basic vibrator and masturbate with that as well. Many women make the mistake of putting their vibrator directly on their clit. This will often bring a woman to orgasm but it can also numb your clit. It is more effective and makes for greater orgasms if you move the vibrator all around your genitals so that your entire clit can become engorged. Your clitoris is much more than the external structure and is comparable to the size of a penis on the inside of your body. This means that when touching anywhere on your vulva you are in fact indirectly touching your clit. I also recommend practicing building to orgasm with internal penetration as well as external. Whatever you do try to vary your practice. It is easy to get “stuck” in one position or one way of orgasming. This is okay except that it can become a problem when you begin to have sex with a partner. This is why I also recommend alternating bringing yourself to orgasm by hand and vibrator if you choose to add a toy.
Just remember to not pressure yourself, to have fun and to just give yourself the time to learn and build this skill. The sexual relationship that you have with yourself with be your primary sexual relationship throughout your life. Enjoy it!!! Please let me know how it goes and if you have anymore questions.
Happy orgasms!
Natasha
Bodysex Canada Youtube Interview
Taking Off Our Armour
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” – Maryanne Williamson
A friend messaged me this morning saying that she was experiencing a “vulnerability hangover” about something that she had shared in a group. I mirrored back to her similar feelings about something that I had also shared and, while we talked, it became evident that what made us feel the most vulnerable was that we had shared our successes. We had shared a strength in something that we were overcoming, and by doing so, we felt exposed.
My story growing up was that I was dumb. I don’t think that anyone told me that story but my sisters were exceptionally smart and I was seen as the “people” person. All of my adult life I’ve felt inadequate around “educated” people. I would shrink in academic conversation – every once in awhile sticking in something that hopefully sounded a bit smart??? – while thinking that I was a complete idiot and they must be thinking the same thing. Going to school for counselling was terrifying for me and with each class I was sure that my instructor would see how dumb I really was. But it never happened. Academically I excelled and with this “success” I began to see myself in a new story. I am smart. I’m not stupid and I do have valuable things to add to conversations. With this realization also came fear. Staying small, quiet (yah I know everyone is laughing at me using that word) and hidden meant that I couldn’t disappoint others. Being exposed is a double edged sword.
As the conversation with my friend unfolded I was struck by the reality of what we were saying. Our stories, our inadequacies, our traumas, our broken parts are our ARMOUR. Some we have chosen for ourselves, some were told to us by others, and some have been brutally forced upon us. We may desperately want to let them go, but we may also be desperately afraid of letting them go. Without our armour we have no excuse to not shine.
As children we learned to protect ourselves from the uncomfortable feelings of rejection, dismissal, anger shame etc. We made ourselves small so that we couldn’t be noticed, we made ourselves helpful so that we couldn’t be punished. We hid, we faked, we went deep inside ourselves – essentially doing whatever it took to feel safe. This protective mechanism kept us alive when faced with real or perceived dangers, and safe when we didn’t always feel that the big people in our lives could protect us. But as we grew, these mechanisms held us back. They limit our chance at being hurt but they also limit our chance at greatness. In that way they no longer serve us.
I hear women so often saying that they are scared to sit in the Bodysex circle because they are afraid to face their own reality. Afraid that once they take off their armour – their clothing and their stories – they won’t be able to be small anymore. It is a valid fear and one that comes at a real cost. Not everyone will be okay with your greatness and many will feel insecure around you. But this is only because they’re afraid of their own greatness and of being reminded that they are holding back from it as well. Realizing and actualizing our greatness doesn’t mean that we no longer have the less great parts. I’m perfect testament to that. I fuck up daily and maybe sometimes I fuck up to have a reason to hide – reason to not do this work, and to run. Or maybe I fuck up just cause I’m human. Who knows.
But what I do know is that sitting naked in the Bodysex circle is a profound act of bravery and in doing so you will be changed forever. In that circle you aren’t the victim, you are just you. By simply being ourselves – “liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” See you in the circle.
Back To School…………
It’s back to school time again for children all over North America which means that mothers are rushing around buying school supplies, new clothes, and banging their heads against the wall thinking of what 3 items to put into their kids lunches because God forbid they only send 1.
We are stressed and exhausted but – there is a silver lining to this story. Having our kids back in school means……….
No more trying to dismiss the dull buzzing noise – coming from behind closed doors – as an electric shaver. “But mom why are you using dad’s shaver?” “Shhhhhhh…..I need to concentrate in here or I’ll cut myself! Al….most there!”
No more biting down on your bottom lip to ensure that no moans escape, causing kids to come running to see what “hurt” mom.
No more rushing back inside for a quickie while the kids are strapped securely in the van because you forgot to feed the “kitty.” 😉
Reading this you might be thinking of the “poor” working moms who don’t reap these benefits from their kids going back to school. But these women don’t need our pity. They are a resourceful bunch.
They tell me stories of “bathroom breaks,” frantic trips home in the middle of the day to retrieve that crucial document that was forgotten but happens to be in the desk drawer at work.
Legs crossing and uncrossing behind cash registers and office desks while customers and co-workers comment that there is an “Incredible glow surrounding you today.” Uh huh. There sure is!
And we can’t forget the days where mama gets to leave work early but decides to head home to an empty house to “scour the stove top” before picking the kids up from daycare.
So mamas remember this! As you’re searching the aisles in Staples for the “correct” colour of notebook, in one week your kids will be back to school and it will all be worth it…..
Orgasmic Women Movie Night
This movie night is for anyone interested in my upcoming workshop, http: //natashasalaash.com/everything-you-need-to-know-about-bodysex-canada/ or who wants to learn from these amazing orgasmic women. $10/person. Popcorn included in the price. Bring a beverage of your choice. (alcohol or other) Discussion will follow the film.
Date: September 11th, 2015. Time: 7-10 pm. Location: 300, 3rd Avenue Saskatoon Sask. Canada.
** Women over 18 of all sexual orientations welcome. Video contains nudity and real masturbation. If you aren’t okay with that, please don’t come. Seating is limited so please confirm a spot with me.
“13 bold women share their masturbation practices,with sex educator Betty Dodson, and demonstrate the wonderful variety in women’s orgasms.
Ranging in age from 21 to 48, the women discuss how they discovered masturbation, frequency of masturbation, the length of time they take, and how masturbation affects their partnersex. They have orgasms ranging from quiet to vocally joyous using their current techniques: manual or vibrator clitoral stimulation, with and without vaginal penetration.
Orgasmic Women is erotic and very moving, an inspiration for pleasure-positive women and the men and women who love them. It’s also an essential addition in the treatment of pre-orgasmic women for sex therapists, doctors and educators.”
Please email natashawiig@hotmail.com to book a seat.
Betty Dodson® and Bodysex® are registered trademarks of the Betty Dodson Foundation