by Natasha | Aug 10, 2016 | Awakening, Body Image, Posts, Vulnerability |
“Lastnight I had the greatest most vibrant orgasm.I can see clearly the correlation between vulnerability and orgasmic power.” – Anais Nin.
4 years ago I began a journey inwards by seeking out vulnerability. Seeing things that I held back from, feared and felt shame about, I realized how they limited the experiences I was having in my life. Making the decision to walk into the experiences, feelings and self touch that I’d been avoiding was terrifying, but each time I did it I discovered a new part of myself that had been blocked.
Through this self discovery I developed a relationship with myself that allowed me to use my sexual response and orgasms as a window into my own whole wellbeing. My orgasms – the strength of them, the way they travelled through my body or stayed in one place, the ease or difficulty in which they came — showed me where I was at physically, emotionally and spiritually.
About a year ago, while undergoing huge and difficult changes in my personal life, I began noticing a big difference in my response to pleasure and the strength of my orgasms. Unable to let go and love myself I’d been trying to will myself into orgasming – not really being present in the experience leading up to it. I could see myself doing this in a few different ways — masturbating less and masturbating with clothes on instead of fully naked and open. I’d reverted back to my teenage masturbation practice of holding my breath and clenching my left hand — being unwilling to open it and explore the curves of my breasts or hips. Feeling undeserving of the love and appreciation that I’d developed for myself these past few years, my orgasms were reflecting that.
Putting expectations on the orgasmic response I felt I should be getting, led me to try harder and longer and ended with me frustrated and feeling like a fraud for teaching things that I was obviously no good at. Seeking guidance I reached out to my mentor Betty Dodson for advice and she responded just like a mother would — loving, reassuring and at the same time blunt. Betty assured me that she herself has gone through this, that it’s a normal part of life and that there’ve been times where she actually broke up with herself — no sex at all. She went on to say that “in terms of the love affair with yourself, you might say you’re being a demanding “bitch” with your orgasm expectations.” She encouraged me to let go of expectation, keep masturbating and teaching, and that in time the connection will return.
Reassured I followed her advice while in the meantime committing myself to seeking out vulnerability and doing other things to strengthen and open myself — as I had done 4 years ago when I’d begun this journey. I started with what seemed like a crazy decision to do a 200k bike trip alone. I loved biking but I’d never gone over 30k in one stretch, rode only a mountain bike, didn’t know how to change a tire and was terrified to sleep alone by the side of the road. Walking into the fear I knew I needed to try. In the end I made it just over halfway having pushed myself past the point I thought I was capable of. I’d cried, been pelted by hail, experienced unbelievable physical pain and the fear of being alone at night. It was in my pain and my fear however, that I rediscovered the strength and inner power that had been lost along the way.
Feeling the need to discover more in myself I booked a private breath work session. Being used to holding space for others in their vulnerability I longed to let go and allow someone else to hold space for me. Even though I wanted this there’s a huge risk involved in truly showing up and actually allowing it to happen. Just as I look at my orgasms as a window into my wellbeing, I knew that the facilitator would look at my breath in the same way. After the session I asked him for feedback and he told me in a kind and gentle way that he had noticed my strong sexual energy, desire for living life and also my need for control, closed heart and tight stomach. I felt both surprised and horrified that someone else saw these things in me. Experiencing a full on vulnerability hangover I spent days reflecting on his response and the truth in it.
About a week later I decided to attend another breath work group ceremony led by the same facilitator. Laying back in the circle I focused consciously on my breath and pulling it up into my heart as I inhaled and letting it flow out of my vulva as I exhaled. What transpired over the next hour is difficult to put into words and I imagine almost unbelievable to someone outside of it. At some point, lost in focusing only on my breath, I was startled by the most intense physical pain i’ve ever experienced in my life. When I literally thought I couldn’t bear it any longer the pain was gone and was followed by what felt like the first breath of my life. The openness with which the air moved through me with that breath caused me to burst into tears. I sobbed and sobbed from the deepest parts of myself. As I lay on the floor crying in a circle of strangers, I knew without a doubt that I’d truly shown up.
Two days later laying completely naked on my bed, I set a timer for an hour with the intention of just touching myself. Having grown accustomed to the fear and disappointment of seeing my disconnect with myself through my orgasms I was nervous to try again. It seemed smart to go back to the place of learner that I’d started from 4 years ago when I’d never touched my body with my hands. So, using my breath as my guide, I explored myself with both hands focusing only on the sensations at my fingertips and the words that I spoke over and over “I love you Natasha.” My orgasm came as a complete surprise— just minutes before the end of the hour — and I could feel all of the built up orgasmic energy travel up with my breath and into my heart. I cried and cried with the comforting and old, yet familiar feeling, of being at home in myself that I’d missed so much.
Since that day my orgasms have been reflecting the openness in my heart, acceptance I have with myself(strengths and weaknesses) and this new path that I’m on. Coming full circle back to the place I began my sexual awakening from 4 years ago has been humbling and difficult for me. I feel grateful though that by looking into this window I’ve learned, as Anais Nin did, the connection between my willingness to be vulnerable and my orgasmic power.
by Natasha | Jul 21, 2016 | Bodysex workshops, Posts, Workshops |
My November Bodysex Retreat is half full! 2 nights all inclusive, healthy home made meals and snacks, vibrator, body henna and hair braiding by local artist Stiina //www.stiina.net…. This is a time for you to be nurtured, create sisterhood, heal body shame and celebrate pleasure. Email me to book or register on the site ❤️
by Natasha | Jul 19, 2016 | Body Image, Posts |
* art by Betty Dodson
I received this letter anonymously from a man who reads my blog and was saddened by the shame that many women feel about the look, smell, taste and wetness of their pussy. What a beautiful expression of appreciation for this amazing part of our anatomy. Wow is all I can say!
Hello beautiful,
We haven’t really talked as much as we should, so I fear some misunderstandings may have grown between us over time. I really want to take this opportunity to let you know what’s in my head and in my heart because I think some of it may surprise you.
Every time I look at you my heart skips a beat. I can’t get enough of that, you really take my breath away. I’ve never seen another quite like you, and every detail is a delight. I know sometimes you worry about your shape, or size, or contours. Sometimes you wonder if your lips are too big or too small, if you look better with more or less hair. Maybe you even wonder if it’s a turnoff that everything isn’t quite symmetrical. Please let me assure you that none of that is anything you should worry about, you really are absolutely perfect. The more I get to know you the more I love all the little differences that make you unique and the more beauty I see in you. I could look at you all day and never get tired of it.
I can smell you and I love it. Not from very far away (unless you’re very very excited, and what a thrill that is!), but when we’re snuggling up close your scent absolutely grips me. It’s hard to describe, there’s nothing else in the world that smells like you so trying to find a comparison is impossible. The best I can do is say that you smell like it feels to kiss for the first time, or feel a lovers hands on my body. Your smell fills my world when you’re near and turns me on like nothing else can, and it changes through the month like seasons. Sometimes it’s light and delicate and sometimes it’s heady and complex, but it’s always amazing. You may be tempted to cover your scent with perfumed soaps and washes, particularly when it’s stronger, but I love when you don’t – strawberry is nice but raw pussy rocks my socks off.
Your taste is as hard to describe as your scent, and just as unique and incomparable. Clean and pure like rain on steel, there’s nothing else like it and it’s utterly intoxicating. Different parts of you have different flavours too. Your lips and clitoris usually have a smoother, lighter taste, but when I plunge my tongue deep into you there’s almost an electric overtone. I love exploring your flavours with my tongue, finding the subtle differences and hidden deliciousness. Sometimes if you’re just out of the shower or bath I can hardly taste you at all and I miss it.
Your wetness speaks volumes to me. When I see you glistening, or feel you slick and slippery beneath my fingers, or hear the soft wet noises as you move or we move together it tells me how amazingly turned on you are. The idea that you could be “too wet” makes about as much sense to me as saying you could be “too aroused.” On days when you aren’t as wet as you’d like to be it’s a huge turn-on for me to cover my fingers in lube and gently spread it all over and around your sensitive folds.
When you feel sexy it makes me feel sexy with you. Lots of hair, no hair, a little hair in a funky design, piercings, henna, white cotton, black leather, red silk, it’s all fantastic. I’ve never seen you look anything but amazing. If there was anything at all I’d change about you it’s this: I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, touch yourself with my fingers, taste and smell you as I do; mere words don’t do you justice.
Love Always,
A man
by Natasha | May 25, 2016 | Posts, Q&A |
Hi Natasha,
I’m always worried about how my vagina smells and I shower sometimes twice a day so that my boyfriend doesn’t ever smell it. I know that I don’t have an infection because I got it checked out and my Dr. said I’m normal, but still when he goes down on me I can’t enjoy myself at all cause I’m just wondering if I stink. What can I do? Can you recommend products that can make me smell different?
Thanks,
L.
Dear L.,
This is such a common concern for women and it’s really no wonder considering that we’re constantly inundated by advertisements for feminine “hygiene” products and jokes about fishy smell. As women we spend a great deal of time worrying about this and doing things to eliminate our natural smell completely. This is actually counterintuitive because our body produces pheromones as a way of attracting mates and promoting sexual desire. It is because of these pheromones that Napoleon in his famous letter to his wife wrote: “Beloved, I shall return in two weeks. Do not bathe until I come back. I want you to smell the same as when I left you“. It’s also the reason that strippers make more money when they are on their period.
Even though it’s normal for your vagina to have a smell there are certain situations where the smell is abnormal. Your vagina cleans itself and will maintain a healthy ph balance but certain things can disrupt this balance. You mentioned that you don’t have a vaginal infection which is one cause of abnormal smells, but interestingly enough sperm is also a culprit. Sperm is designed to stay alive in order to reach the egg. Because of this it can which change the PH balance causing an odor – especially after sex. Menstrual blood also has a high PH level and can change the smell as well as different foods you eat such as asparagus, garlic and spices. In order to keep this level balanced I recommend taking a daily probiotic which you can find at your local health food store. Make sure that you only buy probiotics that are kept refrigerated as they contain live bacterial cultures.
The other thing I recommend is for you to spend some time getting used to your smell. Try only showering once a day or even every other day and making a point of touching your vulva and putting your finger inside your vagina. When you touch yourself take a sniff. This smell is essentially the essence of who you are. It will probably be one of the earliest smells in your memory and one that might have given you comfort as a child. This smell is you and it’s fucking awesome. I once heard a man with a beard say he avoided washing his face after going down on his girlfriend because he wanted to sniff her scent all day. I’ve also heard women talk about sniffing their fingers longingly after masturbating and how it reminds them of sex. If these ideas disgust you then I’d suggest you need more exposure to your own scent. Rub and sniff and do it repeatedly. We’re trained to like artificial smells or no smell at all, but with exposure you can learn to like our own smell. If you own it then chances are he will too. Enjoy!!!
Natasha
by Natasha | May 19, 2016 | Bodysex workshops, Posts, Workshops |
It seems to me that every Bodysex workshop/retreat holds a different gift in it, and this one was no exception. There were 12 women in the circle who had travelled from around Saskatchewan, British Columbia, Alberta and all the way from Georgia to be there. Four of the women were “alumni” returning for — what one woman called — “The crack cocaine that is Bodysex.”
The beauty of doing a Bodysex workshop as part of a weekend retreat is that time allows for the elements of the workshop to become normalized on a much deeper level. The whole experience felt like one big pyjama party except that we rarely wore our pjamas. We got naked right at the start and spent the entire weekend in various states of undress. We laughed, we cried, we held each other and we shared stories. Stories of heartache, loss, struggle, body shame, fantasy, pirates, hot sex, masturbating with strange objects and in strange places. There were 3 separate masturbation circles with only one being part of the actual workshop. If we opted out of it physically we were able to join in energetically — celebrating from the other room as we heard others climax. We ate nourishing food (made lovingly by Patti) and shared our personal gifts and talents with each other. Card readings, mediumship, reiki, henna, crocheting, hair braiding, singing, crafting, quotes, musical instruments, yoni egg “laying” and touch were all shared together.
Throughout the weekend I recognized myself in each and every one of the women. I saw myself in their stories and in the scars and stretch marks on their bodies. I saw me in their beauty and their guilt — in the way they nurtured, in their insecurities and in the sheer bravery with which they shared all of this. I felt an empathy for them on a level that I have never felt before and with that empathy came a deep love towards each woman. Then — like a loop — that love and empathy came back to me and I entered into my own pain that I had been afraid to feel. I cried and cried. Cried with pain and disappointment at feeling like I’m not the woman that my 20 year old self imagined I’d always be. Shame that I have made decisions over the past couple of years that have been for me and my well being over others. Acceptance that I am not perfect and never will be. And love for where I have come from and where I am going.
Nearing the end of the workshop while doing the group massage, we sang in acknowledgement of the pain that each woman has been through. Pain that was not only visible but could be felt under our fingertips as we touched each others bodies. While we touched, we sang and the words poured out with our tears…..
“How could anyone ever tell you, that you’re are anything less than beautiful. How could anyone ever tell you, that you’re less than whole? How could anyone fail to notice that your loving is a miracle? How deeply you’re connected to my soul.”
Watching one of the women lovingly lower her head until she was joined forehead to forehead with the woman we were touching, I knew without a doubt that what we were doing was a healing ritual that went above and beyond any definition or title.
This weekends Bodysex retreat was a mirror for me. And in that mirror I saw each of the 11 other women looking back at me. We are our own unique selves but — like the wooden necklaces that we each wore around our necks — we are all cut from the same piece of wood. Just as I love them, I love myself. With gratitude beyond words, I thank you sisters. Much, much love and more from Foxy to….
Turtle
Luna
Persephone
CLP
Petal
Butterfly
Sophie
Aurora Stones
Rocking Ruby
Summer
Pretty Poussey
**photos posted with permission
by Natasha | Mar 10, 2016 | Bodysex testimonial, Bodysex workshops, Posts |
Here is a beautiful testimonial from a woman who attended my February Bodysex Retreat/Workshop. She sent the message to my mentor’s Betty //dodsonandross.com in thanks for sharing their knowledge by training other women to be Bodysex facilitators.
My next Bodysex Workshop retreat will be May 14th/15th 2016 at Ancient Spirals Retreat Centre. This will be the only Bodysex workshop until next winter. Details will be updated on my site over the next couple of days. Pm me to book as space is limited!
Dear Betty and Carlin,
I cannot thank you enough for making the decision to share your talents and messages of self-love with a larger audience through your Bodysex certification courses. Last weekend, I traveled to Saskatoon, Canada to attend Natasha Salaash’s Bodysex workshop and my experience (one that you know well) can only be described as transformational.
I arrived in Canada scared, nervous, self-conscious, and looking for a quick fix to reignite the sexual flame that seemed to have been lost somewhere over the past 10 years. What I found was so much more. I never imagined that a “sex workshop” could result in so much healing. After the workshop, I left Saskatoon feeling whole, seen, loved, and beautiful. The shame and regret I felt previously were replaced by a strong sense of hope and an understanding of the power that comes from shared feminine sexuality.
Now, back home, I find myself still basking in the unconditional love of my Bodysex sisters. At the same time, my heart aches for all of the women who may never have the opportunity (or open mindedness) to experience the life changing magic of Bodysex. Despite this, I am buoyed by the knowledge that, through your work, this information is being shared. Betty, thank you for your continued commitment to sharing the beauty of masturbation with women worldwide. Thanks to you vulva shame is well on its way to extinction! Carlin, thank you for helping to bring Betty’s vision and voice to an even broader audience. The work you are doing to ensure that her message is carried on is critical. Finally, thank you both for mentoring Natasha. She led our workshop with such compassion, honesty, and grace and is an inspiration to many of the women in our group. Keep up the wonderful work!
Best,
L
