Here is a beautiful testimonial from a woman who attended my last Bodysex workshop. In every circle that I have sat in there has been at least one survivor of sexual abuse/trauma. No matter what truths are spoken in that circle, as long as we use our “honest I statements” the circle of sisterhood will carry us.
This line in her testimonial sums it up completely.
“Yes it was scary to consider being naked with women I don’t know. What frightened me more was living the rest of my life in distrust and disconnect from myself…………. Not only am I healing myself, I’m healing future generations.”
When I first learned of the bodysex workshops, I thought, ‘how wonderful, but not for me.’ This is the story I held onto for so many years. Being sexual, being confident, being open, was great for other women, but not for me. I admire a woman who embraces herself and her sexuality, but I could never do that. Maybe someday. First I need to heal.
I clung to my story like a raft on a swift-flowing river. My story kept me afloat, alone, divided and struggling in a world and life that kept moving forward. It reassured me with feelings of familiarity—be they anxiety, depression, isolation, illness—they were my friends because they had always been there. They were home.
Sexual abuse grabs a hold of the very essence of a woman, and keeps her just near the point of drowning but always afloat. I was okay, but I was not whole. I was no longer in danger, but my shame was like a black cloak on my back that followed me everywhere and made sure I felt different. I’ve told myself every version of regret or diminishment: “it wasn’t that bad, it could have been worse.” I’ve alternately been very sexual without pure emotions, or felt horrified of myself, of my sexuality and stuffed it away. I detached from that part of myself and maintained a small obligatory connection. Like I tied a rope to my sexual being and dragged it along because it was indeed a part of me, sometimes a valuable and enjoyable one, but one I wanted to keep at a distance and under control.
At the beginning of the workshop I told the embrace of women “I have lived most of my life in my head, because it’s safer that way.” I wanted that to change, but something was holding me back. I had been in recovery many years. I had a solid intellectual understanding of my experience and my role in becoming a victim. I had read great books, was in ongoing counseling, had managed to get off anti-depressant medications, and welcomed multiple healing modalities.
I had told my past and my story to some people. Most had accepted my truth and accepted me, but I still hadn’t. I told myself well they have to…they are my friend, my family, or I am paying them for their services and they are professionals who see this all the time. Or sometimes I omitted pieces of the story, and clung to those as reasons I was unworthy of forgiveness. If people knew all the horrible details, they would cringe at me. I would not forgive myself.
Yet something told me that the bodysex circle might welcome all of me, and it might help me get past this stuck feeling. Natasha’s writing on her website spoke to me. Her email exchanges were comforting but never pressuring. I finally surrendered to the notion this was a risk worth taking and I paid my deposit. I still didn’t think it would be the best idea or safe for me to reveal all my truth to the circle of women when the time came.
Yet as the workshop progressed, it became nearly impossible to contain all that secrecy and shame that burned inside me. As one courageous woman after another revealed her whole truth and her dynamic self, scarred, ashamed, and imperfect, I saw the willingness in myself and in the others to accept each other unconditionally. This was what I needed. I needed to tell my truth, and to look in the eyes of women who accepted me and my truth, and loved me the same (or even more) for it. I felt reborn through my tears and by shedding my layers of secrecy of the past that had long burdened me. I left my shame in the comforting embrace of sisterhood. We dissolved it in tears and love. I remembered who I was, and where that shame belonged.
In the weeks since that day, I feel reconnected with my full body, my full self. I can look at myself in the mirror. I can stand naked without quickly covering myself. I can touch myself with care and gentle ease, like a curious young lover. I have felt my spirit returning and my inner child heal. I feel whole, and bigger and greater than ever in my life. I feel connected to humanity because I am no different than you and you are no different than me. We are all love, we are all light. Our body and our emotion and our selves are not meant to live separately, but to shine together. We are dark and light, there is no person without a dark side.
Natasha is a gift to humanity and her passion for her work is evident in every moment. I am privileged and honored to have participated in this life-changing experience. Yes it was scary to consider being naked with women I don’t know. What frightened me more was living the rest of my life in distrust and disconnect from myself. I am so grateful I had the opportunity to take this big risk. Not only am I healing myself, I’m healing future generations.
Dear Natasha,
I am 26 years old and have been dating a guy for the past year. I really like him and the sex is good but my problem is that I am terrified of him seeing my genitals. There is something wrong with my inner lips and I think that if he sees them he won’t want to have sex with me anymore. One of the lips is longer than the other and it sticks out a bit from my outer labia. I think it got stretched from me playing with it when I was a kid. I have read that women get surgery to correct this and I am wondering about doing this myself. He keeps wanting to go down on me but I’m afraid that he will see this deformity. I let him do it once in the dark but I couldn’t relax at all because I was so scared he’d somehow notice. What should I do? He is starting to get annoyed that I want the lights off during sex and foreplay and I am worried that our relationship won’t last unless I get this fixed.
– H
Dear H.,
First of all you are not deformed at all. Nothing on your body, and I repeat NOTHING, is symmetrical including your eyes, arms, legs or labia. If you were to draw a line down the centre of yourself and compare the two sides you would see that nothing matches. Men’s testicle’s are a perfect example of this as they are very rarely the same size or hanging side by side. Should we call that a deformity? Of course not – it is just how they are. As for the idea that this difference in size came from playing with yourself when you were a kid that is completely false. You would have to hang a bowling ball from your labia for months on end in order to stretch them permanently. The way they are is the way they were when you were born and, as you grow, they grow as well. This is normal. I like to frame it this way to other women who come to me with this concern.(there are many!) If you were to notice asymmetrical labia on your daughter would you love her as she is or think that there was something wrong with her?
In my work I see so many different “styles” of labia and every single one of them is normal. Many are asymmetrical, and about half of them the inner lips are longer than the outer lips. The more inner lips you have the more nerve endings you have in them, so don’t stop touching! I am constantly saddened to hear women speak of shame and misconceptions about the way their genitals look and I wish that we all could see other REAL women naked to know that we are normal and beautiful as we are.
My advice to you is to turn on the lights and let your boyfriend really see you. You can tell him how you feel if you want to and that you are nervous about this. If he is a decent guy he will appreciate the vulnerability it took for you to speak up and let him see, and he will adore your vulva with his words, his touch and his mouth.
Here is a link to an online labia library where you can see the variety in women’s genitalia. //www.labialibrary.org.au We are all unique and there is nothing “wrong” with any of us.
Take care and give your vulva some love.
Love, Natasha
If you are you interested in doing something brave, life changing and empowering – while also creating sisterhood – check out my upcoming retreat. Send all enquiries to natashawiig@hotmail.com. I hope to see you in the circle!
I’m laying in bed in Betty Dodson’s NYC apartment, drinking tea and looking around the room that holds the energy and stories of countless women who have sat in the Bodysex circle here. Just like me they shed their clothes, their tears, and their shame before celebrating their pleasure. It’s hard to believe that it was only a year and a half ago that I entered this same room for the first time as a participant in Betty’s workshop. Scared – yet excited I took off my clothes and found my place in the circle, having no way of knowing what a profound effect it would have on my life.
Today as a facilitator of my own Bodysex workshops, I know that even though the physical circle ends after the weekend, the circle of sisterhood keeps on carrying us long after we step out of it. Some of it through our conscious actions and some just by how we’ve been changed because of it.
A woman from that first Bodysex circle is the reason that I am here in this apartment today. Even though I only met her that one time, she wrote to me not long ago to ask if I wanted an airline voucher that she was unable to use. I had been conspiring to find a way to go see Betty, but being a student and a mother I couldn’t see how it would happen. Yet here I am at Betty’s with $27 remaining on the voucher……..and the circle of sisterhood carries me.
The circle carried both Betty and I the other night when we went out to dinner and spotted a woman sitting at a table alone. She was in her mid 50’s and I could see so much sadness yet so much life in her. I invited her over and she ended up crying and laughing in Betty’s loving arms. She has never sat with us in a Bodysex circle but our openness allowed her to be open and our acceptance of her, along with Betty’s arms, became the circle.
The circle continues with the birth of Carlin’s new baby. I sat in the circle with her while she was pregnant and it was pure joy to spend a day with her and her son this weekend. Motherhood suits her and her energy and happiness is infectious. I can only imagine how much it adds and will continue to add to her already incredible work.
I feel the circle carry me as I walk naked and unashamed through Betty’s apartment.The circle of women taught me that my body is okay as it is. It isn’t perfect and it doesn’t need to be. But it’s me, all me, and I’m okay with it. Feeling so free we share stories – not bothering to close the door when we pee or shower. “The great thing about Bodysex” Betty says “is that afterwards there is no such thing as being self conscious.” She’s right.
The circle carries us as I drink tea and read messages from women who sat in my two workshops. They tell stories of body acceptance, intense orgasms, continued unveiling of shame, and how their comfort with themselves has transformed their relationships with others. Without shame we hold ourselves differently and others notice this – seeing possibilities for change in themselves. One woman, who wrote with pride about her daughter’s new confidence and her changing relationship with her mother, said “The Bodysex circle brings on generations of healing.”
Saying good bye to Betty I held back the tears that wanted to fall and instead thought of the stories from our weekend together and began to laugh. I laughed all the way down the elevator past the door man (who laughed back at me thinking, I’m sure, of his own great stories about us after this weekend!) and into the cab. I laughed in the airport (even while nauseous from the martini’s, snails and goose liver that she convinced me to eat the night before) I laughed on the plane, and I’m still laughing while I finish typing this. I curse Betty for the ache in my stomach muscles from 4 days of solid laughter and then I laugh some more. She was a wonderful host and I will miss drinking “Dodson’s” with her everyday at happy hour, her loving words of advice, people watching while drinking nearly 3 bottles of wine, my morning kiss and hug, her dirty stories, the way she doesn’t bat an eye no matter how shameful something is that I tell her, and how she feels comforting like a grandma then the next minute whispers in my ear “I’d just love to fuck that guy.” Laughing more the circle carries me……….
First I want to thank you. With your guidance I have enjoyed more quality in my orgasms because I understand and accept my body and sexuality so much more. I feel my libido returning after a long hiatus. Now I have a question about the logistics of making time and space for my sexuality. I have two very young children who depend on me almost every hour of the day. For a long time I didn’t have interest in sex because I was so physically and emotionally depleted, and hormones of childbirth and breastfeeding haven’t helped. Now I want to make time for self-love, and physical intimacy with my partner. Do you have any creative suggestions for how to do this? For us, there is only an hour or two between their bedtime and our bedtime, and chores to finish, plus a lot of nights I am reluctant to initiate sex because I would rather sleep.(sometimes sex wakes me up and I can’t fall asleep) Currently I don’t wake up before the kids and we also co-sleep with at least one child most nights, so we are rarely alone as a couple. When/how is it okay to have sex with kids in the house? Perhaps part of the question is this: I want my children to grow up having a healthy comfort with their sexuality, and appropriate boundaries. I fear I don’t know how to model this because of the way I was raised and because our society doesn’t talk about it much. Do some families talk openly about sex? Is that after a certain age?
Thank you.
N.
Dear N.
Thanks for asking these questions! I’m really happy that you are enjoying better orgasms and that your libido is returning. Yay! It sounds to me like you really want to be a model of positive sexuality for your children – something that was lacking for you and also want your sex life alone and with your spouse to be more of a priority. I think that all of these things are wonderful aspirations to have. As a parent of very young children – who has a libido – there are some good options for you!
First of all we often think of sex as having to happen in the bedroom. I also co-slept with all of my 5 children and rarely had sex in the bedroom. Be creative! There are so many other rooms in your house and doing it somewhere else can add an element of fun to your sex life. Living room couch is one of the best places and can accommodate a wide range of positions. (write me again if you need help with these) Plus, when your kids get older it gets more difficult to have sex in these places without getting caught so take advantage of their age now!
Depending on how old your kids are you can also have sex while they are in the room sleeping. I know I might get judged for saying this, but keep in mind that families all over the world sleep in one room homes. The children learn about sex as a part of life at a younger age and it is less taboo. My experience in a traditional African culture was that parents have sex in the same room as their children until they are around age 7. When a baby is sleeping beside you the sex may be less adventurous than if you were alone, but quiet sex is better than no sex!
Sleep is very important and I understand that there would be many times that you weigh up which is more important – sleep or sex. I think that we need to look at our sex life, alone and with our partner, as self care that is as important as healthy eating, a good nights sleep and exercise. A good sex life benefits your physical health and marriage in so many ways. I think that children(depending on their age) can and should be taught that mom and dad need time alone. I don’t think you need to tell them that you are having sex – they will figure this out as they grow and you can open up the dialogue about that as they get closer to puberty. (a topic for another time!) You and your spouse can decide what time would work best to fit alone time into your schedule but after a few weeks your kids will understand and let you be. By showing them that this time is important to you, you will be modelling healthy boundaries and the need for a couple or a single person to have time for self care. This could also be a time for your child to learn to value their own quiet, alone time. Imagine how your children will incorporate that value of self love in their own relationships as they grow up. To me that is worth so much more than the “mommy guilt” of taking an hour to yourself a few times a week. (or more! ha ha) You are teaching them to value their sexuality and self by valuing your own.
I think that another way to promote a healthy sexuality is to allow them to see you naked. Let them see mom and dad as you are and explain to them why and how you take care of yourself. Often kids watch adults in their lives rushing around from the gym to a hair cut etc. but no one ever explains to them why those things are of value and how they make us a better person by doing them.
You didn’t bring up your children masturbating but it will inevitably happen. As part of modelling a healthy sexuality I encourage you to refrain from ever shaming your children for doing this – just remind them that it is a private thing that they can do alone. As well be careful about how you refer to hygiene when they touch themselves. You could let them know that when they want to touch themselves that they should wash their hands FIRST. This gives them a feeling that their genitals are clean and good and we want to be kind to them. Many women that I work with as adults have been shamed by their mothers about their genitals being dirty. This affects their future body image and the way they relate sexually with themselves and others. In fact it isn’t uncommon for an adult woman to have never touched her vulva except in regards to hygiene.
I hope this answer helps you. Please write again to let me know how it’s going and if you need more clarification. In the meantime –
Happy orgasms!
Natasha
