Just over three years ago I flew to NYC to attend my first Bodysex workshop. At that time I was disconnected with myself sexually, afraid to cry in front of others, 10lbs skinnier and hated my body. I was terrified of my “ugliness” being seen and at the same time desperate for someone to see it and love me anyways. I wasn’t sure what I’d get from doing something that scared me so much, but I did know that I wanted to find a way through all of my insecurities and feel like I’m enough as me.
For a year before the workshop I’d been on an inner journey — trying to figure out who I was and where I fit into my different roles as mother and wife. So much of my time and energy was spent pleasing others and care taking. Somewhere along the line my self worth had become tied up in other peoples opinions of me and in seeking validation from them.
Today I am on a plane flying back home from NYC having just attended a Bodysex retreat with women from around the world, getting certification to lead their own groups. All of these women have done at least one Bodysex workshop and some, like me, already lead their own groups.
As I watched these other women throughout the weekend — and thought of how they live their lives at home as nurses, make up artists, healers, teachers, professors, realtors, lawyers, sexologists, labourers, mothers, wives and daughters — I saw me. I saw me in the way they connected to themselves sexually — masturbating side by side in a variety of positions, using vibrators, dildos and hands — like it was the most natural thing in the world. I saw me as I witnessed them encouraging each other to make whatever sound they needed to, or take as much time as needed to reach orgasm. I saw me in the tears that fell without shame —tears that represented understanding, pride, honour, respect, healing, joy, freedom and pleasure. I saw myself in all the different body types and characteristics — curves, rolls, stretch marks, freckles, strength and softness. I saw myself in the unapologetic way each woman carried her beautiful body — like they are living life from the inside out instead of the other way around. Embodied. Shoulders back. Tits out. Hips swaying.
Feeling so seen and so free with women, of whom most I had never met, I couldn’t help but feel such huge respect and awe for the common denominator we all share. Bodysex. A conscious and intentional circle of women sharing in both shame and pleasure. Naked, vulnerable and brave in a space where we don’t need to be anything other than who we are and we celebrate that.
These past three years have been almost like a continual birthing process for me with each day and each new experience that I choose for myself bringing me deeper into me. I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t been incredibly hard and at times painful to come to terms with all of my discoveries. I don’t have all the answers or even half of them. Sometimes I still feel insecure about my body and sometimes my orgasms are just meh. Most of the time however, I feel orgasmic, alive, free, empowered and excited for all of the discoveries, pleasures and joys yet to come my way. I feel at home in my body as it is and with the safety of feeling at home comes a deep trust that I’ll be okay no matter what. I am enough.
Thank you Betty, Carlin, and all of my Bodysex sisters for allowing me to see you, so that I could be reminded of what I see in me.