by Natasha | Aug 7, 2015 | Q&A |
Dear Natasha,
I’ve heard other women talk about having multiple orgasms but I’ve never gotten one. Sometimes after I have an orgasm I feel like I’m not finished and I want more but my clit is too sensitive to touch. How can I learn to have multiple orgasms?
Thanks,
B.
Dear B.,
Great question! One of the best things about being a woman is that we are all capable of having multiple orgasms. Sometimes women mistake the after shocks of a single orgasm as being multiple orgasms. Having multiple or “serial” orgasms mean that you have more than one orgasm in a session and that each new orgasm has its own build up. The build up can be quick and take just a few minutes, or it can take up to an hour. Because your clit is still at least partially full of blood, from the previous build up, it often takes less time to achieve a second or third orgasm and the subsequent orgasms are often bigger and better.
I used to think that I could only get one orgasm at a time, and even if the one I got was huge, I wondered what was wrong with me that I couldn’t just keep going. It turns out that our mind is the biggest inhibiter of achieving things sexually, so if you think that you can’t do it – you won’t be able to. Since I always love a good challenge, I decided to practice and masturbating is the best way to practice any orgasm skills. You are alone, you can set the pace, and there is no one to judge you – except yourself! Ha ha. I started by setting a timer for an hour because, when you have it in your head that it is never going to happen, it can feel like it’s taking forever. Setting a timer eliminates the pull to check the clock which, in turn, helps you to stay focused on the physical sensations in your body and stay out of your head. After the first orgasm just keep going and sooner or later you will find that you are on the edge of another and so on.
To cope with the feeling of my clit being too sensitive to touch, I learned to use my breath. If you have given birth you might be familiar with breathing techniques to cope with pain during labour. Breath can also be used to help with the extreme sensitivity in your clit after orgasm. Try practicing different breathing techniques – breathe faster, deeper, longer, inhaling all the way in and exhaling all the way out – while also softly touching the area surrounding your clit. You will quickly discover what kind of breath helps with the sensitivity and you will be amazed how fast you are able to get back into another sexual buildup. It’s our instinct to hold our breath and pull back but doing so is counter intuitive. Breath is the life blood of your orgasm. Always remember that. Once you master this technique you will be able to match your breathing to any strong sensation you feel – like staying on the edge of an orgasm to make the build up and release greater.
As soon as you’ve had a multiple orgasm once it’s like your brain is rewired and you’ll be able to do it again and again and again. Changing our sexual patterns takes commitment – just like changing any pattern does, but it’s well worth the effort. This could be like a whole new world for you!
If you are with a partner that hasn’t achieved this skill (both men and women are capable of having multiple orgasms) don’t feel like you need to stop just because they’re done. You might find it best to get one or two in before they orgasm, or you just keep getting yourself off after they fall asleep beside you. Your primary relationship – sexual or not – is with yourself so give it all you got!
Lastly if you do learn to have multiple orgasms but don’t feel like it all the time – or ever – that’s okay too. Some people get caught up on “giving” their partners as many orgasms as possible and won’t rest until this is achieved. This pressure leads many women to feel the need to fake orgasms in order to please their partner. Don’t fall into that trap. An orgasm is an orgasm, is an orgasm. Just do what feels best for you.
Enjoy!
Natasha
by Natasha | Aug 5, 2015 | Orgasm Coaching, Orgasm coaching testimonial, Posts
This past Spring I travelled to NYC to defend my thesis as a Bodysex facilitator and also to train under renowned Sex Educator, Betty Dodson, to become an Orgasm coach. Since then I have coached several women and the more experience I get, the more I learn to make it my own. During my training, Betty encouraged me to let instinct be my guide and to not be afraid of doing things differently than she does. For the most part I have stayed with her method but I have also added some aspects that reflect my own beliefs and values.
A couple weeks ago I coached a woman who sent me this testimonial afterwards:
“I am excited to practice my new skills, by myself and with a partner and I also believe in my own ability to get there with time! You have really helped me overcome insecurities that I’ve had with my body for many years and helped me take new steps to loving all of me! You have also given me new confidence and helped to become closer to my true self. Yesterday’s experience was more than I could have hoped for and I hope you know how truly incredible you are! You are beauty and thus instil beauty in others!”
The coaching relationship always begins when a woman makes the initial contact with me. Depending on who she is and what her wants and needs are, we often email back and forth several times before finally meeting. If she lives close by I like to meet in person before the actual session, so that she can get a feel for me and me for her. Every woman has unique reasons for wanting the coaching and the more I know about her, before the actual session, the better I am able to support her. Some women have never orgasmed, some can only orgasm with toys and want to learn to use their hands, some want to learn to orgasm in front of their partner, some feel guilt about fantasizing, some have vulva pain, some want to combine masturbation with partner sex and some just want to build on the skills that they already have in order to have deeper, full body orgasms.
After we talk, we do the genital “show and tell” together. Including myself in the show and tell – as a participant and not just a guide – is something that I have incorporated into my coaching. I believe so strongly in the power of shared vulnerability and how it helps us with acceptance of who we are as well as the body that we are in. To do something that requires vulnerability, in the presence of another woman, bonds you together and makes you feel stronger. We need this. After identifying, and learning about all of the parts of our vulva’s we move onto the orgasm practice.
This is another area where I have added my own style. I personally don’t do well with reading or hearing about different techniques and find it beneficial to have them demonstrated to me. So, as the coach, this is what I do. If a woman isn’t comfortable with me demonstrating on myself then I would respect that and teach her in other ways, but so far this way of learning – through watching and doing – has always been welcomed. Once I have shown her different ways to move and touch I focus my attention on encouraging, guiding and teaching her. While I have several toys available for her to learn with, my passion is in guiding women to learn to pleasure and connect with themselves using their own hands. I believe strongly in the importance of learning to touch ourselves with as much intent and love as we would touch another person. Hands are always available and there is no denying the power of skin to skin contact – even if it’s our own skin. Once we have this knowledge we can share it with our partner – with our own hands becoming the teacher. At this time I teach the basics of sensate focus touch, which involves learning to focus on the sensations of the touch and encouraging her to incorporate this into her life alone and/or with a partner.
Guiding and sharing space with a woman as she incorporates her entire body into the build up and release of her orgasm is a privilege beyond measure. Each time I learn as much – if not more -about myself and my own orgasm practice as she does and I am grateful to be able to do this work. For more information please check out my page //natashasalaash.com/orgasm-coaching/
