by Natasha | May 23, 2017 | Q&A |
Dear Natasha,
I’m a 21 year old guy whos had sex with a few different girls but haven’t had a relationship last longer than 6 months. The sex seemed good to me with all of them but I can’t tell if they like it and I don’t know what to do to make sure they do. Since the last girl I was with a couple months ago I have been avoiding being with anyone new because it seemed like she didn’t cum when we had sex. What can I do to be better in bed?
From G.
Dear G,
Thanks so much for your question. It sounds like you are experiencing something that is very common among men which I like to call “performance anxiety.” Basically anxiety about how you’re performing in bed is actually causing you to avoid having sex.
First of all I think it’s imperative for you to understand that many (if not most) women don’t orgasm from penetration alone. A woman’s primary sexual organ is her clitoris and, while it can be stimulated directly externally as well as indirectly internally, it is rare that a woman orgasms without external stimulation. This is just a fact that is unfortunately not more commonly known and accepted. So if “sex” to you means penis in vagina penetration and you don’t think she came, you’re probably correct. Because of this it is a good idea to get out of thinking that she should orgasm from penetration alone and explore other ways to help her cum.
I could give you tips on ways to touch her or go down on her and they would be helpful for sure, but as each woman is different that won’t help you as much as this piece of advice right here will. I’ve learned from working with many, many women that the most important thing you can do to be a better lover (or better at anything for that matter) is simply take your time and pay attention. Go into a sexual encounter with the mindset that you know nothing at all about pleasuring this particular person. Don’t think that something must work cause you saw it on porn, or even because the last girl “seemed” to like it. Be truly curious and watch her respond to your touch, your tongue and your exploration of her body.
It may seem like a strange analogy but think of when you greet a dog that you’ve never met before. You don’t know what the dog likes or how it likes to be petted. So you start slowly by letting the dog relax and then you try different ways of touching while paying attention to how the dog responds to your petting. Some dogs don’t like their ears touched and some do. People are the same and we all have different preferences – it’s just that men are conditioned to think that they’re supposed to be able to know everything the first time. This is bullshit! There is a chance that the woman you are with will fake and pretend that she’s enjoying something that she isn’t just to please you. This isn’t your fault or your problem and not up to you to change. Just do your best to listen and pay attention to her responses.
When we pay attention it is so easy to see the subtle movements that the other makes either to get closer or pull away from the stimulation. If you feel comfortable enough to do so you can combine this exploration of her body with questions. Touch or lick different areas and ask her which one feels better. Avoid asking what she likes as many women have too difficult of a time answering or may not know themselves. Instead ask specifically about two different kinds of licks or places to touch etc. and she will hopefully be able to say which one feels better.
A fantastic lover is simply one who doesn’t think they know everything and is willing to take the time to pay attention in order to learn.
Good luck! The fact that you’re asking means that you’re enthusiastic and that’s another quality of a great lover!
Natasha
by Natasha | May 15, 2017 | Body Image, Vulnerability |
An anonymous man sent this to me and I thought it was worthy of publishing! Always great to hear from a male perspective.
13 Things Men Love About Women That Everyone Tells Us We’re Not Supposed To:
- When you’re funnier and smarter than us – you’re fascinating, exhilarating, and you challenge us to keep up.
- How you look when you first wake up – we’re like dogs, we’re just happy to see you.
- Your ‘tummy’ – it’s simply adorable as fuck, you have no idea, that is all.
- When you make more money than we do – actually we don’t really care one way or another, it’s just not a thing.
- How you smell after a workout – sweaty and hot and a little stinky, it’s fresh and wholesome and appealing as hell.
- When you snore – we don’t feel so bad if you do it too.
- Your labia – is this even a question? Pussies are just plain gorgeous, every single one.
- When you wear your comfy lounging clothes – we love to see you relaxed and comfortable, it makes us feel the same.
- When you belch and fart – it shows that you feel confident and safe around us, bonus points for artistic flare.
- Your stretch marks and cellulite – when you let us see your imperfections we feel closer to you.
- Your body hair – grow it how you like, or not at all if you prefer, but whatever makes you feel sexy makes us feel it too.
- How your pussy smells – aroma is how your pussy talks dirty to us.
- When you tell us about your day – or about anything and everything important to you, anytime and always.
**** written by mystery man
by Natasha | May 1, 2017 | Body Image, Bodysex workshops, Posts, Self loving/masturbation, Sex and mothering, Workshops |
Last week I woke up to the sight of my 7 year old daughter laying beside me, wrapped in a quilt made by one of my Bodysex sisters. She had made the quilt for me last year in exchange for a friend of hers to attend one of my Bodysex retreats. Since then the quilt has mostly been used in my counselling office or at my retreats — providing warmth and comfort to women when they need it.
Seeing her wrapped in such a perfect symbol of sisterhood, I couldn’t help but think of the trickle effect that Bodysex has, not only on the women attending — but on the next generation of children. Even if they never attend a workshop, the very structure and concept of Bodysex is one we rarely see examples of in today’s culture. Women supporting other women — absent of competition. Real naked bodies — not on display, but simply being. Honest, vulnerable sharing of our most hidden stories, greatest fantasies and everything in between. Shared celebration of self pleasure as our fundamental birthright. And the healing experience of non sexual, loving touch from women who actually SEE us.
Tucking the quilt in tighter I continued to watch her, hoping that her little body would soak in some of the power of the collective stories and pleasures that the quilt holds. That as she grows and becomes a woman herself she will find acceptance in her body, love of self, enjoyment of pleasure and true sisterhood.
I love you Naya <3
by Natasha | Apr 17, 2017 | Body Image, Bodysex testimonial, Bodysex workshops, Nude in nature photos, Vulnerability, Workshops |
One of my favourite things about doing Bodysex as a full weekend retreat is that it gives the women more time to settle in and enjoy a space where there are no roles or masks to wear. As the weekend goes on and our armour falls away, we loosen our bodies, open our arms, and celebrate the unique beauty, talents and gifts that each woman brings.
At my retreat this past March some of the women – along with a guitar, ukelele and drums – stayed up late writing the lyrics and music to a song they titled Naked in Nature. When they called me in to hear the final version I alternated between laughing and crying over each verse. I don’t think there could be a better way to sum up what the Bodysex experience is all about than the words to this song, and if I could gift this experience to every single woman in the world I would.
The women who attend these retreats come from all backgrounds and work all kinds of professions. Our ages range from 20 – 68. We are all mothers, daughters or sisters. Some of us hate our bodies and some of us don’t. We all have different reasons for coming but regardless of what they are, we are all sexual and we are all brave. Bodysex is a space to celebrate the freedom to be who we are, our naked bodies, the depths of our pleasure and the mutual acceptance of each other – wherever we are on our own personal journey.
The lyrics to this song and the photos I’ve included give only a small glimpse of the incredible power of a group of women free to be “beauty-ful with nothing to hide.”
Naked In Nature
“I wanna be naked in nature
with the sun on my skin
I wanna be one with all things
around the place that I’m in
I wanna have sex on a secluded beach
with a blanket below me
a brown bag bottle within reach
and a northern light show (a plate of nachos)
I wanna be naked
I wanna be naked in nature
I wanna be naked
with the sun on my skin
I wanna be a body sex woman naked outside
masturbating on the grass with flies on my thighs
I wanna slip into the water
let it ripple my lips
turning and burning
with a swing in my hips
I wanna be naked
I wanna be naked in nature
I wanna be naked with the sun shining in
I wanna be one with my sisters
their hands on my skin
their love flowing over me
and soaking right in
join the circle
cum with me
leave your armour behind
we are all beauty-full
we’ve got nothing to hide
I wanna be naked
I wanna be naked in nature
I wanna be naked
with the sun on my skin
I wanna be naked
I wanna be naked in nature
I wanna be naked with the sun shining in.”
**** lyrics by my beautiful Bodysex sisters. You know who you are.
****photos posted with permission. Photo credit to Meghan Mickelson //meghanmickelson.ca and Studio Stiina //www.stiina.net
My next Bodysex retreat is June 2-4th. Book here: //natashasalaash.com/summer-2017-bodysex-workshopretreat-date/
by Natasha | Apr 10, 2017 | Body Image, Posts |
A few days ago my 7 year old daughter and I were biking along the river bank — enjoying the sunshine — and trying to spot gophers and geese.
“Mama” she said, “let’s look for houses that look the comfiest.”
Smiling at this idea I turned my eyes away from the river – towards the houses on the other side, and began looking for the comfy ones. The river bank is full of beautiful homes and it didn’t take me long to find some, but she was already pointing to her own picks. Her choices, although fairly cute, all had something about them that made them not necessarily “nice” to look at.
Curious about this I asked her “What does a comfy house look like?”
“Well “ she said, “it’s not perfect, but it’s nice. It’s really nice cause it feels nice to live in. Like our house.”
Thinking about this I paid attention to the ones she chose and this is what I saw…
Children’s bikes and toys strewn all over the walkway and front yard of a little character home. A cedar house that looked years over due for a restain, and a plain house thats only identifying feature was a person sitting on the front deck reading.
“That one looks just like ours mama.” she said.
My initial reaction was to say that I didn’t think that house looked anything like ours except that it was tiny, but I stopped the words before they came out of my mouth. She isn’t looking for perfection I thought, she’s looking for a place she’d “feel nice to live in.”
As we biked on I thought about her view of what’s nice and comfy and how in her innocence it has nothing to do with perfection at all. I then thought about my own home and how there are chips in the paint and gaps between the hard wood in the floor. It’s small and tight – like a hug from someone who really cares about you. It’s warm inside and smells like home made cooking and sometimes stinky dog. “It’s not perfect, but it’s nice.”
Then I thought of my body — the other home that I live in and how just that morning in the shower I lovingly washed the parts that maybe aren’t as nice to look at. Or are they? The elaborate spiral pattern on my stomach – stretched from the 4 babies carried in it. It’s got a different texture than the rest of my skin and no matter how hard I exercise, it can’t tighten back to the way it used to be. It’s imperfect but it’s soft and warm to touch, and it’s the place my daughter reaches her little hands for when she wants to cuddle.
I thought of how both my home and my body respond to loving care – A fresh coat of paint or good, healthy food. And how sometimes loving care means eating big juicy burgers or wrestling in the living room.
“It’s really nice cause it feels nice to live in.”
According to Senaya it seems that the comfiest homes are the ones that tell a story on the outside, of the joys and the sorrows of the owners on the inside. From my tiny library out front, to my window trim that needs repainting. From the loose skin on my belly to my c-section scar. These things make me and my home comfy to her and – I like to think – to anyone else who loves me. My body isn’t perfect, but it’s nice. It’s really nice because it feels nice to live in….
**** Thank you to my wise little girl Senaya for teaching me to look at my comfy body/home in a new way.
