by Natasha | Jan 24, 2022 | For couples, Posts, Sex and mothering, Sexual liberation |
When I was first exploring my sexuality, I didn’t resonate with using the terms masculine and feminine to describe myself — especially not when they applied to sex. I resonated with the idea of these energies co-existing, but not how having both of them could help me have a balanced sex life. Now, ten years later on this journey, I resonate much more with these terms and understand why that balance can be so helpful in sex and intimacy. At times in my explorations, I’ve swayed heavy to one side or the other, and thankfully this pendulum swing has been helpful in opening up a longing in me for the side that was missing.
I’ve always identified strongly with certain aspects of traditional femininity. I became a mother to a big family at a young age and the role of nurturing my children and husband felt at that time, like my highest purpose in life. Motherhood allowed me to tap into the soft, nurturing parts of myself that longed for connection and intimacy — through tending to the needs of others. Caring for my family became my attempt at meeting those needs in myself and yet, I often felt like something was missing. Without embodying my masculine side, I found it difficult to ask for what I wanted and needed or make decisions for myself that conflicted with my ability to care for others. My femininity lacked self-care that may have helped me feel nurtured or beautiful or comfortable in my body, and was solely focused on the needs of others. I stuffed my own needs down as deep as I could to protect this. As my children got older and built their own relationships and interests, parenting no longer met my need for intimacy, and the deep longings I felt bubbled to the surface. Slowly, I pulled them out one by one and learned that I liked to feel my body move through dance and to wear dresses and to feel pretty — for myself — and that femininity wasn’t only about caring for the needs of others.
Around this same time I discovered my pleasure in a more embodied way and the nurturing part of me that used to have sex for my husbands pleasure, started wanting pleasure for myself. It took awhile to learn how to do this, but eventually I no longer cared if he connected with me before we had sex as I’d long since been asking for. I learned that I could have sex solely for pleasure — as he had seemingly done for years and years — and that sometimes that was exactly what I needed. I learned to own my right to orgasm by making sure that, with the help of my hands, I always orgasmed in sex. I initiated sex, turned on the lights and took the pillow off of my face that I’d used for years to hide in shame. I didn’t have to feel shame to live in pleasure. It was my BIRTHRIGHT. I was doing what men have done for centuries and took ownership of my own pleasure. I’d believed my husband’s pleasure to be a given and that it was necessary for me to provide that for him during the 17 years we were together. Until I found my masculine, I couldn’t imagine believing my pleasure could be a given or necessary too.
High on this masculine energy I rode my right to pleasure as hard a cock. (see, just writing about my masculine gets me in that mode!) When my marriage ended, I continued seeking my right to pleasure in a masculine way — rarely asking for the nurturing or connection I also needed, or even discerning adequately who I was experiencing pleasure with. There are moments I remember in sexual situations where I felt almost out of body, wondering why I divorced my husband just to be back in the same situation of disconnected sex I’d wanted out of. I could orgasm just fine, but the longing for connection and intimacy and being seen, was still there.
Listening to my feminine, I started practicing discernment and realized that deep intimacy and pleasure (beyond just a basic “get me off” orgasm) happened when I felt relaxed and safe. Just “taking” my orgasm wasn’t enough anymore and I still longed for the more I craved in my marriage. I wanted pleasure yes, but also connection, softness, surrender. To have this, I had to learn to trust and to receive — both very feminine qualities. I realized it was much easier to long for these things than to actually make myself open to them, but I committed to practice. Using breath, presence and masculine confidence, I learned to soften my body like a jelly fish or sea sponge — able to absorb and feel the subtlest nuances of pleasure. Slowly I opened my legs, arms, hands and heart to myself, my partner and the universe. Allowing the feminine in me to receive and soften meant I could allow my partner to pleasure me for as long as I needed. When I felt insecure, the masculine in me was helpful as the strong voice in my ear reminding me, as it’s reminded men for centuries, that “this is my right!” Finally, the two parts were working together.
Looking back I feel that as a traditional, non sexually embodied woman — so far swung on the pendulum in that way — it was necessary for me to swing as far as I could the other way and find my masculine. I needed to own my right to pleasure and exercise it as my own, so that I could come back and own my right to embody my full femininity too. In order to surrender to pleasure, love and allow myself to be fully seen, I needed to know I deserve that. It’s my right as a human being. Regardless of gender or sexual orientation, I believe these two energies exist in all of us, as does the potential to actualize them. To know if your pendulum is swung too far in one way, you can simply ask yourself “what else am I longing for in my sexual and intimate life?” Your answer, is an invitation to explore what’s missing.
by Natasha | Dec 16, 2021 | Bodysex workshops |
I’d been excitedly anticipating November’s Bodysex Saskatoon retreat for months — feeling like I badly needed a full weekend of connection, shared pleasure and space in a group. I love community so much and connecting with others in authentic and deep ways helps me feel grounded and gives my life meaning. Covid has really made me question where I fit when we’re told to be afraid of others, to judge them if they make different choices and that the safest place to be is alone. I don’t want to live in a world where we’re all the same, and I don’t want to just connect on a computer screen. I want to see your chest move as you breathe, smell your skin, watch how you move your body as you share your stories — and feel our hearts shine through our eyes when we look at each other. This is connection to me and, without it, I wonder where I really belong.
Justine — my assistant “stunt cunt” — moved to BC during covid so I mostly only see her now at retreats. A talented artisan and potter, she gifted me a mug the morning of the retreat and I couldn’t believe how much of me was reflected in it! The outside is covered in different textures because I love to touch and enjoy sensations on my fingers. It’s big because she knows that I always drink tea from a big mug. It’s designed and hand made by her which makes me feel connected to her energy when I touch it, and loved by her when I drink from it. Most special though is that she shaped my vulva — including my beautiful clitoris and all of her delicate petals — on the handle. I can finally play with my clit all day while I work!
This gift was the beginning of a weekend of gifts in the form of beautiful and flowing connection, authentic conversations, laughter, shared pleasure, story telling, amazing food, discussions on social justice issues, ethics, body image, consent, sacred prostitution — and so much more. I noticed so much of my own personal growth over the weekend — in particular less inhibition around my self expression and bodily functions. When I went to the bathroom I didn’t even think of closing the door, and when we first started doing Bodysex retreats I wasn’t relaxed enough to be able to take a shit all weekend! We sang together during group massage, taking turns touching and being touched by each other. I’ve always felt insecure about my singing but this time I sang passionately and ridiculously at times — doing drum rolls in the air and laughing. The freedom in forgetting to be self conscious has transformed my sex life because I can forget the conditioning that says it’s only about the guys pleasure or that it matters how I look, or sound, or express myself. Without those stories holding me back, I’m free to just feel it — and if it feels like a moose call coming out of me — I’m going to express it that way!
Each of the women in this retreat, reminded me in their own ways that Bodysex is more than something I “do” — its a reflection of the values I hold dear to my heart and the way I want to live in all areas of my life. I want to connect in person, listen to opinions and stories that are different than my own and accept the heart of the person sharing them because thats their story. This helps me accept my own heart. I want to laugh and be silly. To sing and wiggle the jiggly parts, and not take myself so seriously. I want to choose self pleasure as a way to heal the shame and conditioning we were raised in. To always be able to look back and see the evolution and growth that has come from these raw and naked connections.
These unfiltered connections are the cornerstone of who I am and the Bodysex sisterhood reminds me that, in this place, I always belong.
Thank you to my sisters: Turtle, Monroe, Hope, Indigo, Kitty, Dolphin Dreamer, Flame, V, Devour, The Empress and Pappilon
by Natasha | Nov 24, 2021 | Bodysex testimonial, Self loving/masturbation, Vulnerability |
The more Bodysex® workshops I do, the more I’m reminded how far I’ve come since I started this journey nearly 7 years ago. For the first several years, each workshop brought about massive shifts in me — as if I was literally digging up a proverbial pile of steaming, hot, shit from deep inside myself and hauling it out to look at and take apart. Sometimes I’d feel rejuvenated for weeks after and, sometimes completely raw and wiped out. As time went on —I learned that I always survive the vulnerability of this excavation — and I started to notice things feeling lighter and easier. The big, old pile of shit got smaller and smaller leaving only remnants of shit to scrape up — shit that comes from no longer having these old burdens to weigh me down. Shit that arises from feeling so aligned with myself and my values that it feels impossible to follow my old way of pleasing others or accommodating myself to fit into what I think others want of me. Getting rid of that massive pile of shit, makes me ask myself “If I’m not looking for others approval as my guide to what’s right and wrong for me: What is actually right and wrong for me? What are my values?”
This past weekend in Quebec Bodysex® , I noticed remnants of my old pile of shit — particularly around shame in pleasure. Much of my work revolves around pleasure and mostly I know I have a right to it and I exercise that right all the time. I don’t feel shame in masturbation, pleasure with my partner, fantasy etc. however, I can see that I still have societal conditioning around where it’s appropriate and how that’s tied into the ways I imagine others view me. As we sat down for lunch on the first day of the workshop, one woman said “pleasure is reason enough.” I have probably said that 100 times before but hearing it from her really made me wonder if I actually believe it in all areas of my life. Cognitively yes I do, but do I know it with my whole heart and soul? Do I align with that in my life? Am I still caught in what others would think of me if I enjoy things solely for pleasure or if I actually seek things out for pleasure? We explored this idea a lot throughout the workshop through fantasy, juicy stories from our lives and self pleasuring together. Those all felt very safe and comfortable for me because they fit in to what is already authentically aligned within me.
Raised in a Christian home by a minister who felt shame for pleasure, I think (as is true for many of us) shame has been passed down in my lineage. I feel shame to share that I’m going on a trip to Mexico with my family this winter (and that I’m really excited!), or to want a glass of wine on Friday night. I don’t feel shame in doing those things, I feel shame in wanting them because they’re pleasurable — like wanting things for pleasure is somehow wrong. I can feel shame that my touch at times might feel pleasurable to a client I’m working with in Intimacy Coaching, or that I might feel pleasure in their touch. On further reflection, I don’t feel shame that pleasure happens, I feel shame if I enjoy it.
Reflecting on my beautiful weekend in Quebec, and pondering all of this as I write, I can almost hear the metal shovel scraping the ground under this pile of shit. The pile isn’t big, these beliefs aren’t strong anymore, I know that pleasure heals and to feel it means I am present and alive and open and none of that is wrong — even though most of my life I was too shut off to feel it. I am alive and open to feel with my Bodysex® sisters, in dedicated time with my family, in sessions with my clients and in beautiful intimacy with my partner. I find it ironic that breaking down my conditioning has allowed me to be present enough to feel an enjoyment for pleasure itself and, that it’s in that very thing, that I feel the most shame.
Thank you to my Bodysex® sisters who’s unconditional love and acceptance helped me to get rid of a bit more of my shit and remind me that Pleasure is reason enough.
With love to:
Blossom, Wildy, Mangue Juteuse, Cock Licker, Heart, Mystery, Fantasia, Anahata, Rose, Happy Flower, Sunda, Papillon
by Natasha | Oct 1, 2021 | Bodysex workshops, Related Bodysex, Workshops |
This past year or so, I’d begun to feel like I’d “broken up” with my body. Four years ago I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and had to have a tumor removed along with my right thyroid. For three years following that, my left thyroid took over the functioning and my body felt “normal” to me. Over the past year however, I’ve battled with sluggishness, fatigue, weight gain and just a general feeling that me and my body aren’t quite working together. I began taking thyroid hormones and iron pills this summer and have slowly felt my energy start to come back. Because of this disconnection with my body, leading up to the Quebec workshop I felt old feelings of shame that this would be visible, and wished I’d been able to lose weight before going – stuff I often hear other women say to me, but haven’t related to personally in a long time.
Sitting in the circle with women who speak mostly in French, gives me an opportunity to really attune to their bodies and listen to them beyond the words they’re speaking. (Marika graciously translates afterwards for me). It requires a deep presence and I notice many things I might not, if I were to focus on their words. The way their breath changes throughout their sharing, the rise and fall of their clavicles, legs or arms crossed that fall open, flush of skin. It reminds me of attuning to my lover in sexual intimacy where so much is said without words and the body tells its own stories.
In a way that I’ve never done before, I spent the weekend really watching the women in awe of their way of being, and imagining what a lover would notice and love about them. This happened organically — as I love fantasy — and anytime I’m drawn to something, a story of images starts to form in my mind. The women in the circle were a wonderful source of inspiration for this.
I imagined ………. a lover lying on the couch watching her spend the evening before the workshop cooking nourishing food for the potluck to be shared with the other women in the circle. I imagine them marveling at the generosity, time and the care she put into planning and preparing the meals at a time when she was likely nervous and excited about the weekend she was about to have.
I imagined……… a lover recognizing the vulnerability in her eyes, in the hesitance of her voice and the shortness of her breath as she speaks her story and shares what she truly wants.
I imagined……… a lover watching the jiggle of her bum as she walks away from him naked and wondering how she could ever be insecure about something that was surely made by a goddesses’ own hands.
I imagined…….. a lover noticing that she is becoming comfortable because her jaw has relaxed and her voice now flows smoothly from her mouth instead of seeping through tightly held lips.
I imagined……….. a lover inhaling her particular scent and pausing to breathe it all the way in. Savoring it as a symbol of the essence of her and enjoying it for hours after as it lingers on their fingers from touching her.
I imagined……… a lover feeling sad and lonely and longing for the most comforting place in the world — head on her chest and hands on the roundness of her belly, thighs, and breasts. The softness and squishiness that she sometimes tries to hide, just feels like home.
I imagined……… a lover watching her dance and wondering how they got so lucky as to have a goddess fall in love with them.
I imagined……… a lover delicately parting the petals of her vulva, watching it unfold before their eyes. I thought of them showing with their eyes and their words how much they adore this sacred part of her body.
I imagined……… a lover watching the flush rise up her chest as she orgasms.
I imagined…….. a lover thinking that what they love most about her is a sum of all the tiny little things and that being with her reminds them that life is really about the tiny little things.
Every fantasy we have, tells us a story about ourselves, and this one reminded me that the beauty of the women around me is multidimensional and not defined by one part. How was I any different than what I was seeing? Generosity, vulnerability, jiggles, relaxation, scent, softness, movement, delicate vulva petals, the flush of pleasure.
And just like that, me and my body are back together again.
Thank you to my sisters: Gaiananda, Frieda, Night sky, Anilla, Fleur de deese, Quetzalcoatl, Bella, Lotus, Lily, Houlaou, Butterfly bliss, Dancing queen.
by Natasha | Sep 29, 2021 | Bodysex testimonial, Bodysex workshops, Self loving/masturbation, Vulnerability, Vulvas, Workshops |
For anyone who wonders what a Bodysex® experience can be like, or about what I do and why it means so much to me, ….. here is a powerful testimonial from a woman who was in the circle with me this month in Quebec.
I have one spot left open in Bodysex® Saskatoon Nov. 26-28.
“My challenge for the weekend was to free myself from my blockages in relation to pleasure and to reconnect with my body and its beauty, my beauty. I got naked, both physically and emotionally, in front of the magnificent group of women that we were. Still, that wasn’t the hardest part for me. It is rather to look at myself fully, straight in the soul and in the heart. Not just telling my story and the reasons why I had come to dislike my body, but rather looking at myself from within, in order to dust off and let the light in. There, I found love for myself, admiration and wonder for my body which carried life and which can now create differently. There, I found the desire to surrender to pleasure rather than get rid of it because of the fear of losing my balance. I reconnected with my senses and my inner joy. I was able to say “I am a woman in a sexual body and I have the right to pleasure”. By saying this sentence, I have freed myself from a socially accepted view of the female body and the stifling of its power. I chose to respect myself and name my wants and needs rather than accept everything with the fear of hurting. I also learned to love my vulva, despite or rather thanks to its difference. Natasha has helped a lot in this process, because she knows how to put us at ease.
A week after the workshop, I still feel beautiful, inside and out. I feel powerful, alive and grateful. I really needed this workshop, this feeling of deep and authentic connection with other women. Each of them came to enlighten a part of me through their shared experience. I found it so beautiful to feel that despite our sometimes very different life stories, we were all linked by similar aspirations and challenges. I recommend to all those who hesitate to participate in the Bodysex workshop to dare step out of their comfort zone and dive into the pleasure zone! No matter what level the job needs to be done, the weekend will take you in leaps and bounds towards greater happiness and better self-knowledge. I could go on and on talking about the workshop…I am so deeply grateful for Natasha and Marika for having led it by goddesses hands. Thank you for offering this space of transformation and liberation. Thank you for everything!”
