When a body has learned to defend itself from harm, it often shows up for women as extreme over stimulation when touched, numbness or pain. When the armor (that was created to protect from further harm) is no longer needed, it can be frustrating for the woman who just wants to feel pleasure and enjoy sex. In situations like these, I help them learn to take the power back through attuning to their own body, listening and developing awareness about what they want and need moment to moment. To help their defenses back off and their armor dissipate, their nervous system needs to know that she is in control and will choose what is right and best for herself. I liken it to her best friend defending her from a jerk until she sees she can defend yourself.
Sometimes, in situations such as these, pleasure can feel like an impossible goal and the woman may become disheartened that she isn’t experiencing it. Being treated as “sexually dysfunctional” for years, what’s wrong, becomes the narrative. In fact, the “dysfunction” is simply our teacher reminding us where guards are up and that it hasn’t yet felt safe to let them down. When this happens, we focus on bringing her back to what I call baseline or, as my client yesterday said, “neutrality.” “It feels neutral, like there’s space” she said with a smile. This incredible place of neutrality — where there’s no longer pain, just present moment connection and awareness — is where possibilities of pleasure exist.
It’s incredible to watch and feel the guards come down and a vulva come to life, fill with color and plumpness. To feel my finger welcomed inside like a warm hug – no tension, guarding or resistance. “Your vagina feels alive, plush, soft and completely normal” I say. “Take it in, receive it, feel what neutrality feels like in your body. There’s nothing wrong with you at all, you’re just helping your guards come down.” Eyes glistening, she smiles receiving it in. As she satiates in this space of neutrality we joke that we could be watching Netflix for how relaxed her body is. Sometimes she notices resistance wanting to come up in other areas of her pelvis — unsure if it’s really safe to be this soft and relaxed. She notices them, we recognize them as friends double checking in that she’s okay, and with her soft exhale she brings her attention back to the spacious bliss of neutrality.