If you are you interested in doing something brave, life changing and empowering – while also creating sisterhood – check out my upcoming retreat. Send all enquiries to natashawiig@hotmail.com. I hope to see you in the circle!
Dear Natasha,
My husband likes watching porn with women squirting and keeps trying to make me squirt. It has never worked and we both end up frustrated and let down. I feel inadequate. Can you teach me how to squirt?
– A.
Dear A.,
Thanks for your question as it is one that I get asked often from both men and women. I get so frustrated at the pressure put on women to “perform” in this way. Many men want some sort of concrete evidence that they have given a woman pleasure and getting a woman to shoot ejaculate across the room seems to be their definition of that. I think that this belief can be damaging for women for several reasons:
First of all it is important for you and your husband to understand that squirting is not the same as orgasming. Just like male orgasm and ejaculation are not the same thing, they aren’t the same when it comes to woman either. Often – but not always – ejaculation(for male and females) accompanies an orgasm but the two aren’t the same thing. This means that you might squirt at the same time as you orgasm or you might not but they are not at all dependent on the other. SQUIRTING does NOT mean orgasm. Men can learn to orgasm without ejaculating and in turn continue having sex and have multiple orgasms. That practice for men involves use of the pelvic floor(pc) muscle – which is a large part of what I teach in my orgasm coaching as well.
Secondly not every woman can squirt. Female ejaculate comes from the bladder via the skene’s gland which some women are born without. Is it fair to shame certain women for not having the anatomy to do something?
Thirdly my personal orgasm practice, training and teaching revolves heavily on use of the woman’s pelvic floor muscle. I teach women to learn to use this muscle during build up to orgasm as each squeeze brings blood into her clitoris which is her primary sex organ. Building a strong pelvic floor muscle (pc) also increases the strength of a woman’s orgasm because – the stronger these muscles are, the stronger the contractions in her orgasm will be. Strengthening the pc muscle involves not only squeezing it but lifting it up.
For myself I use the imagery of pulling sexual energy up into my body. As I squeeze and lift, my sexual energy builds causing my entire clitoris to fill up with blood. This energy is finally released through powerful contractions of my whole body. With this practice my orgasmic energy is in all of me – not just my pelvic region. This means that whether I am alone or with a partner – this sexual energy is my own and that is incredibly empowering for me. Squirting on the other hand requires release of this muscle and in some cases bearing down in order to let it go or push it out. Some women who make themselves squirt often, end up losing all strength in their pelvic floor because of this. Here is a link to a story of a woman who this happened to and her journey to build that muscle and, in turn, her orgasms again. //dodsonandross.com/blogs/ambrosia/2015/05/notes-recovering-squirter
I hope this answer helps you. If you are truly interested in learning to squirt there are videos online that can help you – but I can’t guarantee whether it will work for you or not. Just remember though that just like there should be no shame in squirting, there should be no shame in not squirting. If your husband continues to pressure you please tell him that I am an orgasm coach and I don’t squirt. It just doesn’t have anything to do with orgasm. As far as I’m concerned anyone pressuring us to do something with our body that we don’t want can fuck off because it is our body and our orgasms. Explore yourself on your own time and learn what feels best for you and then you can show him. Not the other way around..
For more information or too book an orgasm coaching session with me check out href=”//natashasalaash.com/orgasm-coaching/”>
I received this message from a woman who wanted to share how she reconnected with her hand after finding that her vibrator was numbing her clitoris. I think she makes an extremely valuable point and I fully endorse masturbating with hands as much as possible before using a vibrator, as well as not sticking to any one masturbation technique or position to prevent getting hooked on one method. One other thing I would like to point out is that many women use vibrators incorrectly in that they push down on the clitoral glans to achieve orgasm. Correct use of a vibrator doesn’t even need to include coming in contact with the actual clitoral glans (the exterior part of the clitoris that is visible outside the body. The clitoris is actually as big as a penis on the inside of a woman’s body). To achieve orgasm with a vibrator and prevent numbing your clit you can indirectly stimulate your clitoris. This involves moving the vibrator over your entire vulva. Thanks for sharing your testimonial T!!!
“Dear Natasha,
In my pre-kid life, I was fortunately blessed with being able to achieve an orgasm within minutes. And by minutes, I mean five tops. This was with my husband. Right before we got pregnant with our daughter, we purchased our first toy. A dildo. After the first use, I was hooked! It was so damn easy to get my orgasm, but little did I know what was happening to my clit while I was achieving these fast paced orgasms. After becoming a little obsessed with my new friend, it began to be quite difficult for me to achieve any orgasm through sex, as well as with my hand. This was depressing. So I stayed with my B.O.B. and this is how I achieved my pleasure. Only thing is, my pleasure was rushed and never fulfilling. I notice that I was starting to lose feeling in my clitoris. I literally could not feel any sensation with it. Now this was DEPRESSING. My marital sex life went in the dumps, and I was left with numb-filled, non-pleasurable orgasms. So, a few months ago, I decided enough was enough. I stopped using my toys cold turkey (not as hard as I thought) and took a break from sex with my husband. Slowly I started to pleasure myself with only my hand, and Wow! What a difference!! I was starting to get feeling back in my clit, and my orgasms were explosive! When my husband and myself can find time to have sex (two kids makes this difficult), the sex is amazing! So I have officially put the toys to rest, and I take time with my hand, and enjoy the orgasm that I am able to give myself. Also, I am able to achieve my orgasms way faster than I could with any toy! High five to myself!!”
-T
I’m laying in bed in Betty Dodson’s NYC apartment, drinking tea and looking around the room that holds the energy and stories of countless women who have sat in the Bodysex circle here. Just like me they shed their clothes, their tears, and their shame before celebrating their pleasure. It’s hard to believe that it was only a year and a half ago that I entered this same room for the first time as a participant in Betty’s workshop. Scared – yet excited I took off my clothes and found my place in the circle, having no way of knowing what a profound effect it would have on my life.
Today as a facilitator of my own Bodysex workshops, I know that even though the physical circle ends after the weekend, the circle of sisterhood keeps on carrying us long after we step out of it. Some of it through our conscious actions and some just by how we’ve been changed because of it.
A woman from that first Bodysex circle is the reason that I am here in this apartment today. Even though I only met her that one time, she wrote to me not long ago to ask if I wanted an airline voucher that she was unable to use. I had been conspiring to find a way to go see Betty, but being a student and a mother I couldn’t see how it would happen. Yet here I am at Betty’s with $27 remaining on the voucher……..and the circle of sisterhood carries me.
The circle carried both Betty and I the other night when we went out to dinner and spotted a woman sitting at a table alone. She was in her mid 50’s and I could see so much sadness yet so much life in her. I invited her over and she ended up crying and laughing in Betty’s loving arms. She has never sat with us in a Bodysex circle but our openness allowed her to be open and our acceptance of her, along with Betty’s arms, became the circle.
The circle continues with the birth of Carlin’s new baby. I sat in the circle with her while she was pregnant and it was pure joy to spend a day with her and her son this weekend. Motherhood suits her and her energy and happiness is infectious. I can only imagine how much it adds and will continue to add to her already incredible work.
I feel the circle carry me as I walk naked and unashamed through Betty’s apartment.The circle of women taught me that my body is okay as it is. It isn’t perfect and it doesn’t need to be. But it’s me, all me, and I’m okay with it. Feeling so free we share stories – not bothering to close the door when we pee or shower. “The great thing about Bodysex” Betty says “is that afterwards there is no such thing as being self conscious.” She’s right.
The circle carries us as I drink tea and read messages from women who sat in my two workshops. They tell stories of body acceptance, intense orgasms, continued unveiling of shame, and how their comfort with themselves has transformed their relationships with others. Without shame we hold ourselves differently and others notice this – seeing possibilities for change in themselves. One woman, who wrote with pride about her daughter’s new confidence and her changing relationship with her mother, said “The Bodysex circle brings on generations of healing.”
Saying good bye to Betty I held back the tears that wanted to fall and instead thought of the stories from our weekend together and began to laugh. I laughed all the way down the elevator past the door man (who laughed back at me thinking, I’m sure, of his own great stories about us after this weekend!) and into the cab. I laughed in the airport (even while nauseous from the martini’s, snails and goose liver that she convinced me to eat the night before) I laughed on the plane, and I’m still laughing while I finish typing this. I curse Betty for the ache in my stomach muscles from 4 days of solid laughter and then I laugh some more. She was a wonderful host and I will miss drinking “Dodson’s” with her everyday at happy hour, her loving words of advice, people watching while drinking nearly 3 bottles of wine, my morning kiss and hug, her dirty stories, the way she doesn’t bat an eye no matter how shameful something is that I tell her, and how she feels comforting like a grandma then the next minute whispers in my ear “I’d just love to fuck that guy.” Laughing more the circle carries me……….