by Natasha | Oct 7, 2015 | Posts, Q&A |
Dear Natasha,
First I want to thank you. With your guidance I have enjoyed more quality in my orgasms because I understand and accept my body and sexuality so much more. I feel my libido returning after a long hiatus. Now I have a question about the logistics of making time and space for my sexuality. I have two very young children who depend on me almost every hour of the day. For a long time I didn’t have interest in sex because I was so physically and emotionally depleted, and hormones of childbirth and breastfeeding haven’t helped. Now I want to make time for self-love, and physical intimacy with my partner. Do you have any creative suggestions for how to do this? For us, there is only an hour or two between their bedtime and our bedtime, and chores to finish, plus a lot of nights I am reluctant to initiate sex because I would rather sleep.(sometimes sex wakes me up and I can’t fall asleep) Currently I don’t wake up before the kids and we also co-sleep with at least one child most nights, so we are rarely alone as a couple. When/how is it okay to have sex with kids in the house? Perhaps part of the question is this: I want my children to grow up having a healthy comfort with their sexuality, and appropriate boundaries. I fear I don’t know how to model this because of the way I was raised and because our society doesn’t talk about it much. Do some families talk openly about sex? Is that after a certain age?
Thank you.
N.
Dear N.
Thanks for asking these questions! I’m really happy that you are enjoying better orgasms and that your libido is returning. Yay! It sounds to me like you really want to be a model of positive sexuality for your children – something that was lacking for you and also want your sex life alone and with your spouse to be more of a priority. I think that all of these things are wonderful aspirations to have. As a parent of very young children – who has a libido – there are some good options for you!
First of all we often think of sex as having to happen in the bedroom. I also co-slept with all of my 5 children and rarely had sex in the bedroom. Be creative! There are so many other rooms in your house and doing it somewhere else can add an element of fun to your sex life. Living room couch is one of the best places and can accommodate a wide range of positions. (write me again if you need help with these) Plus, when your kids get older it gets more difficult to have sex in these places without getting caught so take advantage of their age now!
Depending on how old your kids are you can also have sex while they are in the room sleeping. I know I might get judged for saying this, but keep in mind that families all over the world sleep in one room homes. The children learn about sex as a part of life at a younger age and it is less taboo. My experience in a traditional African culture was that parents have sex in the same room as their children until they are around age 7. When a baby is sleeping beside you the sex may be less adventurous than if you were alone, but quiet sex is better than no sex!
Sleep is very important and I understand that there would be many times that you weigh up which is more important – sleep or sex. I think that we need to look at our sex life, alone and with our partner, as self care that is as important as healthy eating, a good nights sleep and exercise. A good sex life benefits your physical health and marriage in so many ways. I think that children(depending on their age) can and should be taught that mom and dad need time alone. I don’t think you need to tell them that you are having sex – they will figure this out as they grow and you can open up the dialogue about that as they get closer to puberty. (a topic for another time!) You and your spouse can decide what time would work best to fit alone time into your schedule but after a few weeks your kids will understand and let you be. By showing them that this time is important to you, you will be modelling healthy boundaries and the need for a couple or a single person to have time for self care. This could also be a time for your child to learn to value their own quiet, alone time. Imagine how your children will incorporate that value of self love in their own relationships as they grow up. To me that is worth so much more than the “mommy guilt” of taking an hour to yourself a few times a week. (or more! ha ha) You are teaching them to value their sexuality and self by valuing your own.
I think that another way to promote a healthy sexuality is to allow them to see you naked. Let them see mom and dad as you are and explain to them why and how you take care of yourself. Often kids watch adults in their lives rushing around from the gym to a hair cut etc. but no one ever explains to them why those things are of value and how they make us a better person by doing them.
You didn’t bring up your children masturbating but it will inevitably happen. As part of modelling a healthy sexuality I encourage you to refrain from ever shaming your children for doing this – just remind them that it is a private thing that they can do alone. As well be careful about how you refer to hygiene when they touch themselves. You could let them know that when they want to touch themselves that they should wash their hands FIRST. This gives them a feeling that their genitals are clean and good and we want to be kind to them. Many women that I work with as adults have been shamed by their mothers about their genitals being dirty. This affects their future body image and the way they relate sexually with themselves and others. In fact it isn’t uncommon for an adult woman to have never touched her vulva except in regards to hygiene.
I hope this answer helps you. Please write again to let me know how it’s going and if you need more clarification. In the meantime –
Happy orgasms!
Natasha
by Natasha | Oct 1, 2015 | Bodysex testimonial, Bodysex workshops, Posts
After an intense weekend of self-discovery and self-love, I was asked for one word to sum up how I was feeling. I tried not to overthink it and the word that came to me was warm. It wasn’t until I had taken a couple days to process and reflect that I really discovered what I meant.
Warm- Physically warm, the room was hot by the time our sweat, tears, breath, laughter and energy had filled the space. Emotionally warm, in the most kind nurturing sense of the word. So much safety in this room that felt like a womb, like a mothers hug, like a nest lined with the softest of intentions huddled together so close, getting to know each other as we each contemplated taking flight. Warm acceptance as we shared our stories, warm words and warm knowing looks as we held eye contact as well as the fleeting glances and sly smiles. Warm love as we held hands and passed our acceptance and admiration and strength to each of our sisters, hoping that she truly felt the depth of our embrace and support. Warmth, as my body softened and released the fear and tension I arrived with. Warmth as the cold wall I built within myself started to crumble. Giving myself permission to speak out and risk the rejection of not being heard, permission to stand in the warm sun instead of the shadows. Warm comfort as I slowly transitioned from awkward nervousness to absolute mellow. Warmth of that exhausted, content, fulfilled, post orgasmic sense of peace where you can just fall asleep with a smile on your face.
This is the image I want people to see if I have the guts to tell them I spent two days in a room completely naked with eight other women. To describe concretely that we sit together and discuss our history and feelings about body image, shame and orgasms probably sounds either terrifying or just way out there to most people. To go on and tell them we all lay back and each touch ourselves lovingly and orgasm side by side is kind of mind blowing, I know I had that reaction when first hearing Natasha, my friend and guide, talk about her experiences. I was so impressed when I first heard about these Bodysex workshops but thought that was amazing for other women, but no way could I possibly get naked. I was terrified of being truly seen (and maybe still am sometimes). I am often ok with being a vulnerable mess in some situations, but when I walk away I am back to my old protected, isolated self. Participating in the Bodysex workshop has given me the comfort and confidence to just own who I am, not to apologize for it. I still struggle to open up and be truly honest and vulnerable with people in my everyday life, but I know I deserve it and am worthy of that voice, so I will continue to practice and grow. I am hopeful and what a gift that hope is.
by Natasha | Sep 29, 2015 | Bodysex workshops, Posts |
“The largest, and to some, the most beautiful flowering plant is the giant water lily. It floats gracefully on the water and blooms a large fragrant flower. What we don’t see is that the root is anchored in gross, dark mud. For something beautiful to blossom, it has to draw nutrients from the undesirable, the hidden, the decayed. I think that we are like that. The nutrients drawn from tough experiences contains the plasma that builds petals. So don’t shy away from jamming rootstock into the heart of the riverbank.” Mark Andrew
Reflecting on this past weekends Bodysex workshop, I can’t help but notice how the stages we pass through perfectly mimic the stages of an orgasm.
The beginning can be awkward as we tentatively seek to get to know each other. Like sex with ourself or another, we are often shy and nervous yet hopeful and hesitantly expectant that the experience will be the release that we need. I have never seen so clearly how layers of shame can cover us as I did this weekend. How even when we are completely naked we can remain hidden. As the initial awkwardness of our nakedness becomes the norm, we unintentionally find new ways to hold back. We cross our legs or arms, we hide our eyes, we over talk or talk too little – carefully constructing what we want to share, all the while knowing that there is so much more to uncover. The amount of energy that we put into covering what we are afraid others – or ourselves – will see, is tremendous and exhausting. It is also a barrier to our pleasure.
The beginning circle was almost like the dance of foreplay, getting to know each other, learning our curves and edges, and by the time we reached the show and tell – opening up our vulvas in front of each other, marvelling at our anatomy, and noting with fascination the differences in colour, shape and size of each of us – we began to feel more bonded. We held hands and blessed each woman’s vulva with a name – sending love and acceptance to her in her uniqueness. I have never been more touched by the power and necessity of this ceremony as I was this weekend.
When I am building my orgasms I often hold back, sitting on the edge enjoying the ride – not allowing myself to fall in until I can’t hold off any longer. In this sense I went through day one of the workshop as if I was edging an orgasm. Building up, wanting to surrender, but feeling the need to hold back until I could fully trust the experience enough to let it happen.
On day two I went in early to the workshop space and laid there filling the room with my orgasmic energy before the others arrived. These two orgasms, while satisfying, were like small shudders that happen before the huge release that I was building to. I knew that I was holding back and it was time to begin letting go. Knowing that I cannot aspire to the highest with one part of myself while denying it in another, I stared my own shame in the eye and saw that it was a question of me or it.
I opened the circle with a story that I had been holding in – afraid that I wouldn’t be accepted if they knew it yet so badly needing their acceptance. As words flowed out with my tears, I reminded myself of Betty’s reassurance that “The sisterhood will always carry you as long as you carry your honest I’’s” and when I looked around the room I knew that she was right. I saw love, understanding and acceptance and with my sharing done, the woman beside me went into the deep mud of her riverbank and shared her story. As we looked into her eyes and showed her our love and acceptance of all that she is, another woman spoke up followed by another and another and another and another. Stories of abuse, grief, lost love, infidelity, hopelessness, struggling to find our voice, yearning, reproductive trauma, rejection, redemption and aloneness poured out of us. Like water lily’s anchored in “gross, dark, mud” we drew nutrients from these experiences and our petals grew as we shared them. We cried and we laughed, holding hands and expressing our love for the realness, the authenticity and the muddy roots.
After the shedding of clothing, finding understanding in our physical bodies, and sharing our vulnerability we were now ready to surrender to our orgasms and celebrate our pleasure. We lay back and began the erotic recess with moans, soft and loud, filling the room as each woman “edged” her orgasm for the last time. Having shed so many heavy layers of my own shame there was no part of me to hold back or avoid. I was so aware of the sensations in my body that each bead of sweat down my back felt like the touch of a lover. Surrendering to orgasm after orgasm I heard and witnessed uncontrollable peals of laughter with the release of a laughgasm, shouts of “Same time next Sunday!?” and “Oh my GOD!” as we experienced the indescribable joy of sharing our pleasure waves and our beautiful petals with women who had also seen our muddy roots.
Like any great sexual experience, it should always be followed by touch. So with our bodies softened and defences down we began group massage with each woman receiving 10 minutes of loving touch, over her entire body. The reverence in this experience cannot be downplayed and if it is the most amazing thing that I ever give or receive in my life – it will be enough.
To end this fully orgasmic weekend we sat in a circle holding hands, tearfully looking into each others eyes and saying a word that encapsulated the experience for us. The words we spoke were free, connected, transcending, acceptance, warm, amazing, released, lightening and life changing. Then we raised our hands into the air and sent our orgasmic energy out in to the world in thanks to Betty Dodson who paved the way for this circle of sisterhood.
Thank you also to my sisters:
Bisou
Champagne Lace
Goddess
Rubus
Curly Pearly
Pusoir
Elle
Sting Ray
Leo
by Natasha | Sep 25, 2015 | Bodysex workshops
It is the day before my second Bodysex workshop and I can’t pretend I’m not nervous. The same familiar questions of self doubt run through my head each time I prepare to enter this sacred circle. Will they still accept me when they really see me? Am I worthy of this role? Am I ok?
I have been more open in the last couple of weeks than I have in my entire life and each mask I take off, while terrifying, feels like a sigh of relief. It’s just me. It’s just me.
It seems that as soon as I feel this doubt, something happens reminding me to let it go. Yesterday the reminder came from one of the women in my last circle. She sent me this email and beautiful photo of herself that, with her permission, I’m sharing here.
Natasha!
Your second weekend is upon you. You are a wonderful, authentic person and you bring that sincerity to your workshops.How effing great that you get to promote the butterfly effect with all the women you teach. I know people around me have been touched by the changes in me. And who knows how they have touched other people.
I wish I could be there again. I’m almost envious of the other women. My experience was so life enhancing. And the women I met through you…I fucking love them all. Ahhhh!!! I’m so excited for you. I’m sure each group gets better and better. But remember, we popped your Bodysex cherry.
I love you Natasha!
Ps. I’m getting my hair cut tomorrow, here’s some fun pics my friend took of me yesterday. We were going for mermaid :). I can’t seem to stop being nude in nature!
And with this email and the tears that followed I knew that, just like Betty says, “The Circle of Sisterhood Will Always Carry Us.” I don’t need to be perfect – God knows I’m not. I don’t need to have it all figured out cause fuck I sure don’t! But as long as I take my place in the circle with my honest “I’s” the circle of sisterhood will carry me.
I look forward with immense gratitude to tomorrow and to each of the women who are bravely choosing to sit as sisters with me. I can’t wait to learn from them, to laugh, cry and orgasm with them as we celebrate all that we are, as we are -no more and no less – in the circle of sisterhood.
p.s. To the sisters who popped my “Bodysex cherry” and to all of the sisters who have sat with me in circles in NYC – My orgasms this weekend are in celebration of you!!! Celebrate with me wherever you are and we can light up the sky with our orgasmic energy! Wooo hoo!!!!! <3
by Natasha | Sep 22, 2015 | Awakening, Self loving/masturbation
A couple of weeks ago – feeling emotionally exhausted and broken – I felt an overwhelming need for elder women wisdom. I wanted support and words from those who have been here – where I am right now – and to know what they had learnt from this place. I reached out to my teacher Betty Dodson, my friend Celeste Lemieux, and primarily my own mother. In their own way each of the women gifted me with some of their strength, support and knowledge that it’s safe for me to be myself with them. It was however, by reaching out to my own mother in an open and very vulnerable way, that I discovered shamefully that I hadn’t really seen her before. I had never taken the time or energy to recognize her as a whole human being with physical, spiritual, emotional, intellectual and sexual parts. The wall around myself meant that not only was it difficult to see in, but it was also difficult to see out. By finally allowing her to see me, I was able to see her and in looking discovered that my sexuality comes from my mother.
My sexuality is not separate from myself or my life, but rather a crucial part of my everyday way of being and how I relate to my body. In this sense it can only be truly actualized when the other parts of myself are getting care and attention as well. Looking at my life I could clearly see how my mother has had an affect on my physical, emotional spiritual and intellectual well being – all of which are also a part of and influence my sexuality. In fact it’s impossible to look at my sexuality without looking at these elements of it. It is holistic.
So with overwhelming gratitude I wrote this for my mom.
Thank you mom.
For giving me life.
For breastfeeding me.
For encouraging me to “colour outside the lines” when my doing so was questioned by others.
For feeding me healthy food even though I resented you for it.
For setting up my childhood to always include space for awe and wonder.
For the cross you traced on my forehead when you thought I was sleeping.
For seeking out and following your own spirituality so that I knew that the same was possible for me.
For showing and telling me that I could do anything that I want to in life.
For taking me travelling.
For encouraging me and my friends to be artistic in a way that was unique and authentic to us. You did this by giving us free reign to decorate the cold storage room any way that we wanted to and provided a rainbow of paint colours and tiles to choose from – never once suggesting how we should do it.
For letting me make a mess.
For making me clean up my mess.
For always being there but never hovering.
For being rude to the one boyfriend who was rude to me. I secretly loved it.
For telling me that following my heart is essential but will never be easy.
For saying that you’re proud of me.
For allowing me to make my own mistakes and not punishing me for them.
For teaching me frugality and that joy comes from living with less.
For letting me learn alongside you rather than you doing it for me.
For helping people without judgement of their situation.
For allowing me to witness you breaking down sometimes so that I knew it was okay when it happened to me.
For always getting back up.
For giving me an appreciation of the smell of sweet peas, the feel of bread dough, the taste of homemade cooking, the sound of classical music and the ever present vision of your hands creating, cooking, building, sewing.
My own hands have taught me that no matter what struggles I have, they are an ever present point of connection with myself – my whole self.
Thanks mom.
