Q&A: I can’t get off without watching porn.
Dear Natasha,
I am a man who has become dependent on porn. I can’t get off without watching it. How do I get past that? I don’t want this dependency to impact future encounters I have with partners.
J
Dear J,
Thanks for the awesome question!!! Porn addiction has become increasingly common and is especially prevalent in men and teenage boys. Behavioural addictions, such as porn addiction, share the same fundamental mechanisms and brain changes as drug addictions do. In this sense, addiction is one condition. In order to help you I need to give you a clear understanding of what is actually happening to your brain from continuously watching porn.
* Note – I do not think that porn is all bad. I think it has it’s place and can enhance a person or a couple’s sex life. What we are talking about here is how dependency on porn can affect real life sexual encounters.
When a person is sexually stimulated by something dopamine is released by the brain to send signals to other cells. This release causes a high – as sex stimulation produces far more dopamine levels than any other natural reward can. So the more a person feels rewarded or sexually stimulated, the more they will seek out stimuli which then increases the amount of dopamine released from their brain. In your case internet porn is hijacking your dopamine as it provides endless novelty, searching, seeking, anticipation, shock and surprise. When your dopamine levels start to drop, it takes only the click of a mouse to get the dopamine reward circuit going again.
While addictive drugs and foods have limits to the amount that they can be consumed, high speed internet porn is always at your fingertips and there are new genres and fetishes being introduced daily. When a person becomes addicted to porn they become dependant on this reward circuit for their sexual arousal. As constantly changing videos replace a persons’ imagination, the need for greater and different rewards to feel sexually stimulated increases. High levels of dopamine tell your brain that this activity is really valuable and that you should do it more and more, leading to desire for increased stimulation therefore becoming an addiction.
This addiction leads to sensitization or hyper-reactivity to the addiction. Sensitization occurs when the brain wires together sights, sounds, smells, sensation, emotion and memories associated with a big reward (masturbating to porn). This creates a pathway that inundates our reward centre and, when activated by anything associated with porn, causes intense cravings. This activation is so powerful that even turning on a computer can trigger it – similar to an alcoholic who can feel an intense craving when watching a beer commercial, or driving by a pub.
Sensitization then leads to desensitization which is a numbed pleasure response. This occurs with chemical addictions as well as with porn and involves chronically low dopamine signalling which urges the addict to seek out dopamine surging activities. The images that once excited the addict no longer gives the same “hit” of dopamine and the person will feel an intense craving for more. Desensitization leads to tolerance so higher doses will be needed to achieve the same effect. These doses will come in the form of shock, surprise and anxiety as porn users escalate to new genres. In this way addictions become the source of stimulation.
Everything else in the addicts life becomes dull and less exciting – including enjoyment from real life sex. This overwhelming desire to feed the porn addiction and boredom with other parts of their life is essentially what constantly drives the addict back to the source of the reward – porn.
When you are conditioned to internet porn, sex with a real person may not meet expectation and unmet expectations cause a drop in dopamine therefore killing erections or the ability to orgasm. The disparity between real sex and getting off to porn is huge. Real life involves touching, being touched, body scents, interaction with a person, emotional connection, it’s not voyeuristic and the action can’t be controlled. This real life situation is completely different from a porn addicts experience of sitting, touching only yourself, no interaction, no emotional connection, watching the sex happen and controlling the kind of sex you want to see. In this sense even if you think that the woman you are with is the hottest woman in the world, your brain has been programmed to seek out something different.
Hopefully after reading this you can understand what is happening to you to cause this dependancy. In order to stop the addiction you need to stop activating the porn sensitizing pathways and start building real people pathways. With time and disuse the porn pathways will weaken and, by building sensitization to real people, touch, intimacy and emotional connection you will make those pathways stronger. If you are dependant on porn for your sexual response it is essential to stop using porn altogether. This includes all porn substitutes such as magazines depicting any kind of nude or semi nude women. You have to stop training your brain to be a voyeur rather than a participant. For some men this also includes eliminating masturbation or reducing masturbation, while others are able to masturbate but train themselves to only fantasize about real people while doing so.
If you don’t have a current partner I encourage you to stop watching porn and masturbate fantasizing about sex with a woman that you are interested in or one from your past. It may take time and practice for you to learn to orgasm this way but it will happen. You need to be patient and understand that it takes your body time to change it’s previous pattern. You may even notice symptoms of withdrawal and be unable to get an erection or feel turned on. This too will pass. (Please email me again if you are noticing withdrawal symptoms) I also recommend you buy a “pocket pussy” or any toy that mimics the feel of a woman’s vagina rather than the feel of your hand. When I do orgasm coaching for women we focus on training to be able to orgasm during sex with a partner and not masturbation alone. Anything can be learnt with practice. Another thing that you can do is to learn to focus on the feeling of the stimulation on your penis(be in your body) rather than staying in your head. This can be done by learning sensate focus touch.
I hope that this helps you. Please don’t hesitate to write me again and let me know about your progress or if you have more questions. Thanks for your bravery in asking this question. I know that many men and women struggle with this same issue. For more information check
Take care,
Natasha
Why Do Bodysex Workshop Participants Have to Be Nude?
In this video I discuss the role that body shame plays in our relationship with ourselves and others, as well as how it can impact partner sex.
Q&A: I have never had or intentionally tried to give myself an orgasm. How do I go about doing that?
Dear Natasha,
I am 18 years old and have never had or intentionally tried to give myself an orgasm. My close friends and best friend are all very sexual people, and we openly discuss sexuality in such a positive light.(They’re experienced, I am not) I am very interested in embracing MY pleasure, but I’ve never masturbated before. There is a toy that I’ve been looking at getting, but should I experiment with myself first? And how do I go about doing that? I’m inexperienced in all aspects, and I want to learn! Thanks a bunch.
C.
Dear C.
Thanks for your question! I hear from so many women (many much older than you) who have never masturbated before so your question is very common. It is good that you are asking me now as it get more difficult – though not impossible – to learn as we age.
I think that you are right about experimenting with yourself first before trying toys. Toys can be a great addition to a persons sex life (with others or themselves) but they can also hinder things as it is easy to become dependant on them.
Have you ever touched your vulva? I recommend that you take a mirror and some coconut oil and sit down naked with the mirror between your legs. While touching your vulva softly with the oil, try to identify all of the parts – your clitoris, inner and outer lips, vaginal opening and your urethra if you can find it. It is important to look at our vulva and understand all of the parts as the first step towards body acceptance and embracing pleasure. You can find these parts at //www.labialibrary.org.au/anatomy/ if you are unsure of where they are. Remember that vulvas are like snowflakes and that each one is unique. Some have big inner lips and some have little but, whatever your style is, it is completely normal. You might even notice that your vulva resembles a seashell or a flower.
After this I suggest you start touching your vulva. Touch all over your lips and your clitoris and see what feels best to you. Every woman is different so it is important to explore yourself and figure out what you like. Set aside an adequate amount of time to touch so that you don’t feel pressured to orgasm. You may orgasm this first time or it may take several times of practicing before you do. This is okay. Like trying anything new it can take many tries before we learn. Some women like to rub around and around, while some like more of an up and down motion. Just listen to your body and follow what sort of touch feels right to you.
Once you learn to orgasm by hand you could try buying a basic vibrator and masturbate with that as well. Many women make the mistake of putting their vibrator directly on their clit. This will often bring a woman to orgasm but it can also numb your clit. It is more effective and makes for greater orgasms if you move the vibrator all around your genitals so that your entire clit can become engorged. Your clitoris is much more than the external structure and is comparable to the size of a penis on the inside of your body. This means that when touching anywhere on your vulva you are in fact indirectly touching your clit. I also recommend practicing building to orgasm with internal penetration as well as external. Whatever you do try to vary your practice. It is easy to get “stuck” in one position or one way of orgasming. This is okay except that it can become a problem when you begin to have sex with a partner. This is why I also recommend alternating bringing yourself to orgasm by hand and vibrator if you choose to add a toy.
Just remember to not pressure yourself, to have fun and to just give yourself the time to learn and build this skill. The sexual relationship that you have with yourself with be your primary sexual relationship throughout your life. Enjoy it!!! Please let me know how it goes and if you have anymore questions.
Happy orgasms!
Natasha