by Natasha | Jul 29, 2015 | Posts
This past week someone that I love very much unwillingly shared with me a story of something she had done and felt deep shame about. Tears spilled out of her eyes as she quietly spoke, struggling to keep it all together and obviously deeply afraid of the judgement she feared from me. Looking at her I saw beauty in the way her lips curve and how smooth and clear her skin is. I saw scars on her shoulders as she turned away to hide her deep, dark eyes that hold memories only she knows. I saw vulnerability in her shaking chest and in how she used the back of her hand to softly wipe rain drops of tears off of her cheeks. I saw her with all of the love that I always see her with – that part hadn’t changed – but what had changed was that I also saw me.
One of the most difficult parts of this journey and work that I am embarking on, but also the very part that drew me to it, is that I am constantly having to look into my mirror image and so very often I am shocked by what I see. Touching myself with love and intent is more intimate than sex with another because there is no “other” to turn to, to blame, to seek. Whether my touch is sexual or not – I am forced to bring it all back to me because I am alone in the room.
Alone with myself I can’t hide behind grievances. If I don’t orgasm I can’t blame someone else’s lack of skill. I can’t rely on someone else’s hands to make me feel better, to numb feelings that I don’t want to feel, to ignore parts that are broken, to tell me I’m not that bad. This self loving practice means going deeper into my whole self and the difficulty in that is that my whole self doesn’t always feel deserving of love.
I am in constant contact with other amazing women who are seeking Bodysex certification and what we discuss and support each other with the most, is this struggle. The constant looking inward to unending discoveries of not only our strengths but also our weaknesses. The feeling that we have taken 10 steps forward and then 20 backwards. We commiserate about how easy it would be to just be a “normal” sex educator who can fire off endless lists of “10 ways to be better in bed.” When you add the “other” there is someone else to blame for everything but also someone else to seek from. “They don’t touch the right way, move enough, or make enough sound. I’m not getting what I want. I need more from them. I want him to see me.” In a way this leaves us a slave to someone else’s validation and response to us. Needing that response means that without it – or when it isn’t quite enough – we feel like something is always missing. So we keep seeking it. I keep seeking it.
I wanted to learn to practice self love so that I wasn’t a slave to others opinion of me. So that even if there was no one else to touch me I would know that my own touch was just as good because no one could possibly touch me with more love than I have for myself. I wanted to bring myself to my sexual experiences and actually have something to offer – not only the other – but myself. I could bring me to every experience and it might. just. be. enough.
Some days I feel madly in love and I can’t get enough of every inch of my body. I feel beautiful, alive, sexually empowered and a part of something much greater than myself. On other days nothing feels like enough and I can’t run from what I see inside. I struggle to feel any love for myself beneath my fingers. In order to find this love I not only touch myself but speak out loud words of affirmation: “I love you Natasha. You are okay just as you are.” This touch and these words are an act of compassion for myself and choosing this means that it is easier for me to find compassion for others.
After she stopped crying and with tears pouring from my own eyes, I looked at her and with complete conviction I said; “Thank you. I see you and I see myself in you and all I feel is love for you. That means we are both okay.”
The image in my mirror will never be untainted. I will never stop wanting validation or love from others. I will never stop messing up. That is my humanness. But the gift in all of this self loving – and being unable to look away from my beauty and my ugliness – is that all of it is an act of compassion for myself. And in choosing this compassion for myself it is impossible not to choose it for others.
by Natasha | Jul 20, 2015 | Body Image, Partner sex, Posts, Self loving/masturbation |
I wake up horny but alone in my bed. I know that I should get up and take advantage of the quiet house but my body wins over my mind and I decide to just rub one out.
Making breakfast for kids and a jar of jam that I bought at the farmers market slips out of my hand and smashes on the tile floor. I look around at the sticky mess and I want to scream but instead I finish helping the kids with breakfast then sneak off to rub one out. All of a sudden cleaning doesn’t seem so bad.
Kids gone, working on my classes I know I should maximize my time alone to get stuff done but all I can think of is that there is no one here and I need to do some other “research.” Back and forth I list reasons in my head why I should do the “right thing” and study. Fuck it I say and I go rub one out.
Driving alone and blissfully fantasizing, I’m suddenly overwhelmed with desire and the need overtakes me so I pull over, hide in the back of my van and rub one out. Back on the road again I’m a better driver because of it.
Home cooking dinner, folding laundry while kids run in and out of the house. Feels like complete chaos and this “witching hour” before dinner is always the hardest hour of my day. Needing some kind of boost to keep me from losing it on everyone I head to the bathroom for a much needed “break” and go rub one out. Returning to the kitchen I’m super mom, flushed and glowing I finish the cooking and laundry with a huge smile on my face. I can do anything now cause I just rubbed one out.
Kids all tucked into bed and it’s time for a bath. It’s been a full day and lowering my body into the hot, soapy water feels just right. At this point all is well but I’m once again alone and we all know where this is going. Time to rub one out. Just. because. I. can.
Bedtime now and one might expect that after all that rubbing out I’ve used up all of my orgasms. This couldn’t be more wrong because, as a woman, the more I get – the more I am reminded of what I want. Not only do I feel light and free but all of the self loving means I feel extraordinarily beautiful too. Ready for more – only this time I’m not alone in my bed…….
by Natasha | Jul 7, 2015 | Body Image, Bodysex workshops, Nude in nature photos, Posts
In May I held my first Bodysex workshop and, in addition to the workshop, the women were given the option of participating in a “Nude in Nature” photography session done by my wonderful and talented friend Dana Kellet. Nine of the women chose to do so and a few of them agreed to share their words and photos from that special day. We did the photos the day after the workshop and right away Dana commented on how different it was from the usual nude photo shoots we do. After having spent two days together naked, the atmosphere was relaxed – while at the same time joyous – and clothes came off without the normal coaching and easing into it.
The photo process is a group effort with one woman being photographed at a time, while the others watch and encourage her – attempting to convey to her the light in which she is seen by others. It is a privilege for me personally to be allowed to, not only see them in their nakedness, but also be able to express to them what I see. Each woman is so unique and, as Betty Dodson would say, “We are all divine works of art.”
“I received my pics from Dana and cried. Sometimes it’s that different perspective that really hits you in the gut and genuinely allows us to appreciate our bodies for all they have persevered through. I am in awe.” – Bodysex and Nude in Nature photo participant.
“We giggled, danced, laughed, and openly admired each other. At the river’s edge, my head went quiet; tears of joy and sadness surprised me and poured out. These women, which I hardly know, and yet know so intimately, moved over to me and sat with me quietly, touched my skin, and affirmed that I’m just fine. I’m not too much. I’m not too little. I’m good just the way I am.” -Bodysex and Nude in Nature Participant
“It was an honour to be one of the women who made up the circle of Natasha’s first BodySex workshop. I was eager to participate in the workshop as it was another piece of my journey of learning to love myself again (my last relationship left me emotional shattered). Being naked with 11 other woman for 2 days wasn’t a concern for me – it was emotionally opening myself up and being vulnerable to strangers that had me hesitant. Would I be judged? Would I say too much? Would being bi-sexual make others uncomfortable? Any and all fears were quickly put to rest. Each woman opened her heart, her mind, her fears and insecurities, her struggles, her dreams and wishes, her tears, her story, her self discoveries, her compassion and empathy, and her love.
It was an incredible journey of emotions, self-reflection and self-realizations for me. I know that for a longtime to come I will continue to discover and appreciate all that the weekend brought out in me and taught me.”
– Bodysex and Nude in Nature Participant
My favourite moment from the day was when one of the women, who had held her body so tightly at the beginning of the weekend, laid back on the hot sand and moaned. Looking at her I saw her like the Goddess she is, clothed only in drops of wet sand. She radiated bliss and peacefulness and I said to her “You look so beautiful.” With a deep breath she responded “ I feel so beautiful.” There was no doubt at all that she saw and felt herself in the same light as the rest of us did, and that moment alone made the struggle to get here worth it.
Much love and gratitude to the circle of sisters who shared parts of their physical, emotional and sexual selves with me that weekend, and continue to inspire me to show others everyday – the light in which I see them. I am grateful.
Natasha
by Natasha | Jun 22, 2015 | Body Image, Posts
Last week I posted a picture link on my fb page “Embracing Pleasure” that included a blog post //natashasalaash.com/i-want-to-go-deeper-into-me/ headed by an artistic photo of me with my nipple exposed. Facebook removed the post citing their nudity standard of “restricting images of female breasts if they include a nipple.” If I wanted to repost the link I needed to keep the picture out of it, or cover the nipple in the photo. I knew about this policy before I posted the link but I was kind of hoping that it would go by undetected. Unfortunately someone reported it.
Yes my nipples feel sexual when touched or pinched but so do my lips, my neck and my back. In fact any part of my body can feel erotic at the hands of a lover. But as a mother of 5 my nipples have served purposes far beyond the sexual. I breast fed my children for a total of 10 years with these nipples. For 4 of my children my nipples served as the passageway to their only source of nourishment in the first 6 months of their lives. One of my children was adopted as a toddler and I breastfed her to encourage our bonding. To this day she and I both love that, even though I didn’t carry her in my stomach, I was able to breast feed her.
Annoyed by societies’ tendency towards over sexualizing the top half of the female body, I am posting this picture in the hopes of pointing out the ridiculousness of the unequal standard placed on women’s nipples.
FREE THE NIPPLE!!!
by Natasha | Jun 17, 2015 | Awakening, Orgasm Coaching, Posts, Self loving/masturbation |
I’ve written this in an attempt to describe orgasm techniques that I have developed from hours and hours of practice alone and during partner sex. When I first began this sexual awakening I found it difficult to understand techniques that were explained in technical terms. I knew that I was supposed to breathe, squeeze my vagina and move my hips and that there were reasons for doing all of these things, but it just didn’t make sense to me to look at my body and my orgasms as a machine and a product that comes from it. My vagina isn’t an “elevator” that needs to lift up and down as some doctors would say. I understand this concept and why this description may work well for some, but this kind of teaching breaks my heart a little bit.
I’m not teaching mechanics. I am encouraging women to look at their body, pleasure and orgasms in a different way. A way where I explain kegals in terms of drawing sexual energy deeper and higher into your body with every squeeze. Where body movement becomes instinctual and is guided by the movement of your hands, where touch becomes a medium for opening up parts of yourself that were closed, and where breath is the life blood of your orgasms.
This intimacy with myself has become my spiritual connection with a higher power and that higher power IS my relationship with my self. Through my orgasms I connect to my body and the world around me in a way that I never knew was possible.
I want to go deeper into me.
Pleasure follows my fingers as they trace imaginary lines over the curves of my body. The more I touch the more I can feel and, with this touch, my pleasure becomes a memory that cannot be forgotten. I make endless discoveries with my fingers – and much like the anticipation of opening a gift – everyday I look forward to discovering what this touch will open up into me.
Leaving my mind and entering into my body I surrender to the feel of my hands on my skin and begin to breathe deeper – more fully. My breath is waking me up from the inside out. Fingers softly touching my thighs my body shudders as currents of sexual energy are waiting to be released. Already close to the edge of an orgasm I’m not ready to let go just yet. I want to go deeper into me.
Following the muscles and contours of my skin my fingers begin to move in a spiral pattern until my hips, unable to stay still, join in. Lured by this circular movement the rest of my body follows and I keep focus on the feel of my fingers on the outside and the flow of my breath on the inside. This is an intimate dance with myself and my touch and my breath are leading the way.
Close to the edge of orgasm once again, yet still unwilling to release the powerful energy flooding into my body, I slow down my breath – drawing it in deeper. Teasing myself with my touch – I give it, then pull it back. Every time I lift my fingers off of my body, the air on my skin draws them back – like an echo calling out for more. I want more of this pleasure. I want more of this touch. I want to open this pleasure up INTO me.
Squeezing the muscles in my vagina I visualize this energy of mine and draw it deeper into me. Up, up, up I pull it inwards until my whole body is filled and alive with the pleasure of myself. Harder now my fingers move on my skin, pressing into the energy that is wanting to explode out of me.
Right on the edge now I just don’t want to let it go. I want to know this place. I want to see what other unopened treasures are waiting here for me. My fingers seek out untouched skin as I deepen my breath and quicken my body’s movements while squeezing my muscles faster and pulling upwards. I’m drawing this energy up higher. Into me it comes.
Overwhelmed now with what I see before me I know that it’s time to let go of this edge. I crave this surrender yet I struggle to hold on. Letting go of the edge means letting go of the control that holds me the rest of the time. Orgasms are my ultimate surrender.
Holding my hand between my legs I moan loudly and let go, and from deep inside of me my muscles contract and release. Each contraction sends off violent and intense waves of pleasure as the energy, that I had pulled up into me, is let go from my body. Waves crash over and over into me, turning my moans into laughter as I press harder against my pussy and move my body faster – riding out this bliss. In this moment I am my orgasm and my orgasm is me. Even if someone else has given it to me, it comes from my power, my strength, my wonder and my pleasure. Knowing this empowers me.
Flushed and sweating I fall back – body shaking from the last waves pulsating through me. I feel alive, awake and open. In awe of my body, my sexual energy, and my pleasure, my hands begin again to trace the lengths of my hips leading to my core. My breath catches as I build towards the edge again…….but I’m not ready to let go just yet…..
I want to go deeper into me.
by Natasha | Jun 2, 2015 | Body Image, Bodysex workshops, Posts, Related Bodysex |
I am typing this through a steady stream of tears after saying good-bye to the last of the women who shared the circle with me this weekend. Where do I begin? How can I possibly define the experience that I just had? I feel like I have taken the journey of a lifetime and yet I never left this city. It was a journey deep inside myself, and I am profoundly grateful to have experienced it alongside 11 other amazing and powerful women.
Just three days before I had sat in the circle, waiting for the women to show up for the first ever Bodysex workshop that I would lead, forcing myself to stay in my breath and in my body. Anytime I am nervous or upset I instinctively begin to touch myself – my neck, my legs, my face, my vulva. This touch is my meditation and I know that with it I will always find a safe place – it takes me home. So I breathed and I touched and I thought with gratitude of the journey that I have been on these past 4 years and of all the people who have supported me to get here. I thought especially of Betty and how she paved the way for all of us, despite constant criticism, to celebrate the pleasure and power that is in ourselves. I kept thinking of her words to me “the sisterhood will always carry us through when we are in the sacred circle with our own honest “I”, and willing to share.” With this in mind I breathed and I touched and I watched the women enter.
Knowing that you are entering a room to take off your clothes -and essentially your armour – is a terrifying experience and, watching them, I thought back to my first Bodysex circle in New York. The shame and fear of having nothing to hide behind – no way to pretend that I was more beautiful than I really felt on the inside. Will anyone still love me when they see what I really look like? Shoulders down and arms folded I see the women looking grateful as they find their spot, sit down and are able to pull their knees up.
With arms wrapped around themselves in protection, we began the circle by sharing first person stories of how we feel about our bodies and how we feel about our orgasms. This beginning is always emotional as it takes a whole other level of vulnerability to be physically naked – while at the same time baring your soul. As I listen to each women’s story I see parts of myself in all of them and the love and compassion that I feel for them, is mirrored back to me. It is easy to lessen love directed at me by imagining that it is really about an image, a role or the person that I am hoping they see. But when I am naked – on the inside and out – and this love and acceptance is reflected at me, there is no way to negate it. It is love of my true self and seeing that in the eyes of another helps me to see myself more clearly. I am okay, they are okay, we are all okay, just as we are. No more and no less. Just as we are.
We share stories of orgasms, of not feeling deserving of pleasure, of fears, of ugliness, of self hatred, of eroticism, of unrequited love, of fantasies, of finding courage, of wanting, of loss, of touch. We laugh and we cry and the roots of our sisterhood begin to take hold.
As we move to genital show and tell one woman says “Somehow getting naked doesn’t seem so scary now. Can we just go back to that?!” We all laugh. Being able to look at, see, open up and understand our vulva, are important steps towards embracing our pleasure. It is amazing how many of us – even mothers- have never really looked at ourselves in this way. Comments of shock, wonder and beauty are expressed as the women realize that they are “normal” and that their vulva isn’t a wound or something to be ashamed of. For some the shame was passed to them through their own mothers’ shame, and in doing this ceremony we break the cycle of shame for our own children. We hold hands and offer hopes and wishes for our vulvas while the roots of sisterhood weave themselves in and around us making us all stronger within ourselves.
This show and tell ceremony was the part of the workshop that I was the most nervous about as I know that it is asking a great deal of anyone to open their vulva up and allow me to be close enough to look in the same mirror as they do. I wasn’t sure that I was worthy of this honour and a part of me was afraid that they would feel that way too. But in that space, touching their leg, explaining their anatomy to them, I felt worthy, and I was able to convey with absolute honesty, the beauty in which i see them – just like Betty did for me. I knew then that I can do this.
We ended day one feeling more comfortable in our bodies and easily able to walk around naked without feeling inhibited. Like butterflies slowly coming out of a cocoon the transformation of the women is beautiful to see and so many times I found myself crying with joy at the sight.
On day two I woke up feeling emotional and overwhelmed with self doubt and pressure that I was putting on myself to be the perfect leader. I’m just as fucked up as anyone else, am I worthy of this role? l knew that I was having a vulnerability hangover and that it’s normal to feel really intense emotions after putting myself out there. There is no taking it back. I am here, I am doing this, I can no longer run away. With my breath and my touch, I brought myself back into my body and shared these feelings with a friend while reminding myself that “The teacher will learn the most”…….Feeling centred I entered the circle again.
We took turns sharing how we were feeling after the emotional first day and how our nights went. Some women felt alive and elated, some had spend time enjoying their bodies and some felt raw and emotional – afraid of the conflicting emotions and the change that these new feelings might bring. Still day two is the day where we celebrate our pleasure and it just feels lighter. Looking around I see the women sitting differently. Legs extended, some spread open, breasts forward and several hands rubbing the homemade cream all over their bodies as they talk. It’s relaxed, it’s free, and with wings extending it is now time to explore the pleasure that our bodies are made for.
After an orgasm technique demo we lay back, pleasure ourselves using hands and vibrators, and are lulled by the sounds of the first woman orgasming. It’s almost impossible to not let go yourself when you hear another woman climax. Her pleasure carries me and I want that for myself. Soon the room becomes filled with sweat, laughter, tears, moans and cries of pleasure from the whole circle. In between orgasms I sit up and again am brought to tears by the beauty of the site before me. Women of all ages, from all over, pleasuring themselves together as if it’s the most normal thing in the world. And really it is. Wings spread they are like butterflies and I feel soooooo blessed to have been witness to a part of their transformation.
Afterwards we divide into two groups and each woman gets 10 minutes of loving touch from the other women. There are no words to describe this pleasure and it feels as good to touch them as it does when they touch me. We are so open now, bending over to get more oil, free in our nakedness, laughing and joking, asking about scars and marks on each other’s bodies.
To close the day we sit in a small circle, holding hands as each of us share a word that encapsulates the weekend for us. After saying our words we take time to look into each woman’s eyes and hold the gaze. This is always the most powerful part of the workshop for me and I sob with appreciation at how truly seen I feel. The words spoken are: Sisterhood, fearless, self-love, courage, free, possibilities, compassion, power, change, me, friendship, open, truth. With these words we raise our hands into the air and send our orgasmic energy out into the world in thanks to Betty for leading the way and with hopes that all the women in the world are able to be orgasmic in all that they do.
Thank you so much to my sisters:
Marilyn Monroe, Lizard tongue, Venus, Ruffles, Pea Pod, Houston, Stellaluna, Ruby, Lilly, Malificent, and Gypsy.
