by Natasha | May 29, 2015 | Bodysex workshops, Posts, Related Bodysex |
I woke up this morning to a wonderful email from my teacher Betty Dodson. In it she wrote “Shine on My bright star. The sisterhood loves and welcomes you.”
With this blessing in mind I set up the space for the Bodysex workshop this weekend. Excited but calm I took the time and intention to be mindful of each of the eleven women who will be sharing this space with me. I feel privileged and humbled to be embarking on this journey with them and I know that I will come out of the weekend knowing more about myself than I did before. Together we will laugh, cry, share and celebrate our pleasure as sisters.
Every woman has her own space and a tray for her homemade lube, vaginal barbell and vibrator.
This is the special place where we will do the “genital show and tell” ceremony. Looking at – and I mean really looking at – our genitals, understanding the functions of our sexual anatomy, and accepting our individual uniqueness are important steps towards embracing our sexuality and our pleasure.
Every sacred circle needs fire.
To my sisters this weekend and all of women in the world, I hope that you find a sisterhood to love and welcome you as well. Here we go……..
by Natasha | May 27, 2015 | Bodysex workshops, Posts, Related Bodysex, Workshops |
I spent last night drinking wine, laughing and sharing stories about vulnerability, pleasure, and heartache with my friend who had flown in from Norway. It was just over a year ago that she sat across from me in my first Bodysex circle, saying that she would come to Canada when I led my own. She seemed serious then but I knew that Norway is far away and, having spent only two days together, I didn’t really expect her to come. Yet here she is.
Sharing with her last night I was as free and as naked as I was then, knowing that she has seen me – inside and out – and that she accepts what she sees. In the Bodysex circle we share stories as our honest “I’s” and decide which ones we want to hold onto and which ones we can leave in the circle. There is no need to pretend we were greater or lesser than we are. We just are.
I have so many sisters that have supported me to get here today – three days away from leading my first Bodysex workshop. Some have sat with me in the circle, some share my blood, and some share my daily life. The thing that bonds us together, is that we share our gifts and our vulnerabilities. We trade photography costs for childcare, we share food, we listen to each other plan and scheme great and insane ideas. We ugly cry, we encourage, we orgasm, we treat each others children like our own. We get naked, we support, we drop things and come without hesitation. We hold space, we express shame, we empathize, and we never ask each other to be anything more or less than who we are.
No matter what we share – whether it is our greatest accomplishment or our greatest shame – we are met with eyes of understanding, a hand on the shoulder, a hug and absolute acceptance of everything that is seen and heard. We are seen, we are known, we are heard, we are accepted. We are sisters.
This weekend I will once again sit in the Bodysex circle of sisters – some of whom are new to me and some who aren’t. I am grateful already for the stories that we will share, for what I will learn about them and about myself, for the celebration of our bodies, for the celebration of our pleasure and for the power of sisterhood.
by Natasha | May 19, 2015 | Body Image, Posts |
1.When do we take off our clothes?
I will greet you at the door of the workshop naked and you will come in and take off your clothes first thing. Once undressed you will take a place in the circle and we will begin the workshop portion of the weekend without any physical barrier to hide behind. The workshop itself runs 5 hours each day of the retreat. During non workshop hours you are welcome to put your clothes on or remain naked. Whichever you prefer.
2. How is my privacy protected?
All participants will sign a confidentiality agreement stating that information about others in the workshop is kept confidential – including who is registered and what they do for a living etc. You are able to write or share your personal experience with others but not the experience of the other participants or any information about them.
3. Do you take photos?
I would like to take a photo of some part of the workshop where participants identities are hidden but I wouldn’t do this without permission from everyone as per the confidentiality agreement.
4. Will it be only women?
Yes the workshop is for women of all sexual orientations who have vulvas.
5. What should I bring?
Once you register for the retreat I will send you a list of things to bring.
6. What if I have my period?
Almost every workshop has at least 1 woman menstruating. This is totally okay. You can use a tampon, menstrual cup, or a piece of natural sea sponge during genital show and tell and erotic recess. Some women even choose to free bleed onto a towel. Bleeding is a natural part of being a woman and there is no shame in it.
7. Do I need to groom my pubic hair for the retreat?
The decision to shave or not shave is completely up to you and at each workshop there are women with full bush and others who are shaved. However you feel the most comfortable is the best.
8. What happens in the first 15 minutes?
Once you have undressed you will take your place in the circle. I will lead the introductions and then we will begin by talking about how we feel about our bodies and how we feel about our orgasms. All sharing will be done in first person. This is about our experiences and feelings – not our husbands or mothers or partners etc.
9. Will doing this workshop enhance my sex life with my partner?
I honestly can’t answer this question. You will get from the workshop what you put in but the reason for participating should be your own. This is about your body and feelings about it, as well as your orgasms or lack of and ways to improve them. This experience may enhance your relationship with others in your life but most importantly it will enhance your relationship with yourself – which IMO is the key to the enhancement of relationships with others.
10. What if I start crying?
It’s normal to cry when opening up to others and sharing vulnerabilities or to cry during intense orgasms. All of this is okay and many of us will do so – including myself.
11. Is everyone as scared as me?
While I can’t speak for all I do know that most/many of the women who register are scared and excited including myself! Many of the women email me back and forth in the weeks leading up to the retreat sharing their concerns and fears. This is normal and I welcome you to do so.
12. Will I be expected to masturbate?
Yes. In the second half of day two we will all masturbate using our hands and/or mystic wand vibrators as well.
13. What if I can’t orgasm?
If you orgasm, great. If you don’t that is okay too. Orgasm is NOT the goal. We are here to heal body shame, explore intimacy with ourselves, overcome sexual guilt and experience true sisterhood. There is no agenda and no expectations. No one will know either way unless you share it.
14. Can I keep the mystic want vibrator and vaginal barbell that I use during the workshop?
The mystic wand vibrator is yours to take home after the workshop as the cost is included in the fee. The vaginal barbel is not included in the fee and isn’t to be taken home.
15. Will I be touched? Will I touch?
At the end of the second day there is a group massage exercise where you will get the chance to touch and be touched (non sexually) by the other women in the workshop. This is one of the most powerful parts of the workshop and really cements our bond as sisters. Many women consider this the best part of the workshop.
16. Can I bring something to eat?
Yes you can if you would like, but I will provide plenty of healthy snacks and meals for the entire retreat. If you have any emotional issues with food that cause you to feel stress if you don’t have food with you at all times, then I recommend you bring some of your own snacks in case. However there will be more than enough available to eat.
17. Am I the right age to do the workshop?
There is no “right” age for this workshop as long as you are an adult. The Bodysex workshops that I participated in had women ranging in age from 20 – 85. The most common age seems to be between 30 and 50. The diversity in age adds greatly to the experience as each person brings different energy and knowledge to the circle.
18. Do I have to participate in all activities?
Yes you do. It is unfair for some of us to be vulnerable while others don’t. Again what you put into the workshop will affect what you get out of it. When the actual workshop hours are done you have free time to do what you like and be with others or be alone.
19. What if I really want to come but can’t afford to pay the whole fee at once?
Payment plans are an option that many women choose. I want this weekend to be accessible to as many women as possible so please let me know how I could support you in being able to attend.
by Natasha | May 11, 2015 | Body Image, Bodysex workshops, Female circumcision, Posts |
Many people ask me how and why I got to the place that I am at right now – running Bodysex workshops and doing private Orgasm coaching for women. Some suggest that it’s hedonistic, or that it’s anti-men – while others say that there are more important things to focus energy on. I believe that there is no better place than inside myself to find the gifts that I can bring to the world. The best way that I have found to access these gifts -as well as my inner power, my pleasure, my strengths and myself – is through my own touch.
There are so many stories that led me here, and today I will share one about- and in honour of – all of the girls who have had their right to sexual pleasure taken from them.
I went to Kenya at the age of 19, in the hopes of living and learning from other cultures. Through several twists of fate I was invited to live with the Maasai tribe, in southern Kenya, and learn from the women in the village.
Particularly interested in their mothering practices, I immediately noticed that the children seemed happy, secure, confident and capable. I marvelled at the fact that they rarely cried, babies were always in someone’s arms, they breast fed for years, and no one slept alone. I began to see a correlation between these things – the mothering practices and the child’s feeling of rightness. This way of parenting provided a secure foundation for children to grow from. The intimacy with their mother and other female caregivers, was firmly established early on, so that the children felt right and therefore acted right.
As I got to know the women better I heard them talking about a cultural practice called female circumcision. At puberty, using no anaesthetic, they would remove a girls clitoris and inner labia. As I sat in my tent thinking about this, it dawned on me that what they were removing was a woman’s right to pleasure. The clitoris is the only organ in the body that has no other purpose except for pleasure. So by removing it they are essentially removing a woman’s power.
Living so far from home, and amongst a completely different culture, I felt it wrong to judge this practice. Who was I to say what was right or wrong for someone else? Also it sounded like the ceremony was done by the women and that the women themselves wanted it. I decided to remain open minded but initiated several discussions with Maasai men and women on the topic.
One of the reasons for circumcising women I was told, was hygiene. This I just could not understand. How could a clitoris be considered dirty? Most of the people however knew of no reason at all except that a girl couldn’t be a woman, and therefore get married, until she is circumcised.
The day came where I was invited to the circumcision of a sweet, shy girl named Mary. Circumcision ceremonies signify a rite of passage in Maasai culture and I knew that it was a privilege to be invited. With mixed feelings I agreed to go.
In Maasai homes, there is one main room for the beds and kitchen fire, and then a smaller room for the sheep and goats. When a girl is circumcised it is done in the smaller room, and I struggled to find space in there amongst the many women and young girls. A portion of the mud and stick roof had been removed to let light in and Mary sat, under this opening, on a sheep skin spread out on the floor. She was newly shaved with not a visible hair remaining on her head or body – not even eyebrows. She wore a beaded sheepskin, that hung down the centre of her body covering her vulva, and I could see her budding breasts on either side of the skin. Her face held a look that was a mix of determination and fear and I felt a deep sadness at the reality of what was about to happen. Mary was just becoming a woman.
Women took places on either side of her – ready to hold her legs open – while another sat behind to hold her arms back and cover her eyes. One of these women was her mother and I wondered if this was a day that she had dreaded since Mary was born – or if it was a fact of life that she just accepted. Women and children surrounded this scene watching and waiting- some with hands ready to cover their eyes – until an old grandma came in with a razor and knelt between Mary’s legs. Pouring some sort of liquid on Mary’s vulva, as a way of blessing her, the other women took hold of her limbs and covered her eyes. Then the grandma began to cut.
She began by first removing Mary’s clitoris, cutting off all that was exposed, and then removing her inner lips that were beginning to grow as she was entering womanhood. I saw Mary struggle and scream trying to break free, but the women held tight. Some women around me were looking away, or biting the cloth that hung around their faces, while the little girls watched intendedly. I wondered how they felt knowing that they would be in Mary’s place someday?
Mary managed to struggle enough that the hands came off of her eyes for a brief moment, and the look on her face is one that I will remember forever. I saw fear, pain, torture and panic as she searched the room for an escape. Bursting into tears I was told to leave so that I wouldn’t upset any one else.
Walking back to my tent I felt horrible shame for being a part of something so horrific. Crying and crying I replayed the brutal images in my mind. There was no way that I could accept this as a cultural practice. Mary was a human being and what I had witnessed was wrong any way that I looked at it.
Later that day I went back to Mary’s village to see how she was doing. She was sitting on a bed of soft and beautifully smelling leaves that her mother had made her, looking proud and almost happy. Relieved that it was over I wondered? I shivered imagining how painful it would be to urinate with an open wound on her vulva and then thought how traumatizing it would be to open those legs for her husband when she got married.
Mary smiled at me as I gave her a gift and we held hands while watching the other women prepare food for the party that follows a circumcision. I knew in that moment that there was nothing that I could have done to stop her circumcision, or that I could do for her now to make it better. Yet something inside of me was profoundly changed as I shamefully realized that even with my clitoris intact, I wasn’t embracing my own sexual pleasure or power.
I am just beginning to understand the affect that this experience and the subsequent circumcisions of my nieces and other girls, that I watched grow up, has had on me. I feel a constant aching and painful sadness at the loss of pleasure, creativity, and power in their lives.
By learning to accept and explore my own body with the intent to build intimacy with myself and learn to be my own lover, I have found the power of myself, for myself. It didn’t come from anyone else and once I discovered it, it was impossible to ignore. I cannot imagine my life without this right and this pleasure and I truly hope that the practice of female genital mutilation stops completely. For those of us who have our clitoris intact I hope that we can find a way to embrace our pleasure – as our basic human birthright.
by Natasha | Apr 28, 2015 | Awakening, Posts, Self loving/masturbation |
“I took this excerpt, from my Bodysex certification thesis, to use as a response to women asking me where and how to begin their own self loving practices. I am realizing how many women have never ever touched themselves with their own hands. While everyone is different, I am sharing my own story to show understanding of where they are at in their journey, as well as an example of a possible beginning.”
At the beginning of my journey, towards understanding my sexuality and the changes that I was experiencing in my body, I read a book by Naomi Wolf called Vagina. There was a chapter in it on self love, touching and taking the time to really enjoy your body. I had never masturbated using my bare hands before, so the idea of touching myself in this way seemed completely foreign.
I had begun masturbating as a young girl with always something separating my fingers from my pussy – a teddy bear, rolled up socks or the seam of my jeans. To orgasm I would lay on my stomach with my legs straight, hold my breath, and rub against something soft until I came. As a married woman I believed that masturbating was a form of cheating and, while I sometimes did it, it was always in secret and carried with it a great deal of shame.
Something about the way the author of this book took the time to love herself, regardless of whether she orgasmed or not, really intrigued me. Wanting to see if I could feel this for myself, I decided to give it a try.
Putting oil on my fingers I began to explore my body, touching my pussy like I would touch a most treasured lover. I noticed how soft and nice I felt to touch, and my hand quickly seemed at home in the warmth between my legs. Unsure about what else I was supposed to feel, I focused my attention on the spot where my fingertips met my skin and carefully and tentatively explored my inner and outer lips. Never having touched myself this way before, my body slowly responded to the skin to skin contact.
I continued this daily self loving practice, enjoying it, but often considering giving it up in frustration over my lack of an orgasm. Realizing that I was putting pressure on myself to “perform” and that I had expectation on my touch – to be more than just a nice feeling – I decided to change my attitude and my practice.
I knew that I wanted to learn to orgasm through touch but, in order to do so, I needed to let go of the expectation and time restraints that I was putting on myself. My old method of masturbation was quick and easy – albeit not at all satisfying – and I was expecting this to be the same.
With this in mind I set a timer and give myself an hour to just touch. This seemed long but I wanted the focus to be completely off of the orgasm and onto the feeling of my fingers. I needed to eliminate the pressure of “performance anxiety” and by giving myself an adequate amount of time to relax, this seemed like the best answer.
As I touched and allowed myself to be present in the sensations – rather than looking ahead towards the goal – an amazing thing happened. Long before my hour was up I realized that I was on the edge of an orgasm – from my own hands – for the very first time! After that first orgasm, the pressure and anxiety was gone, making it simple to do again and again and again.
When we receive touch from our own hand or the hand of another, and we pay attention to all of the sensations that we feel from that touch, our body is actually becoming “touch imprinted”. Touching any part of ourselves, wakes that part of our body up and it will remember how that touch felt the next time it happens. This memory increases the amount of sensation that we will be able to feel in the future – essentially meaning that the more we touch, the more pleasure will be available to us. So in touching myself, my own hand was giving my body these memories.
Sometimes wanting instant gratification, I was tempted to go back to my old, quick orgasm pattern. But with the touch of my hands, I discovered new and better ways to pleasure myself. My orgasms became more intense – pulsating through my entire body, causing me to let go of inhibitions and the control that I held onto so tightly the rest of the time.
I discovered that by giving my body sufficient time and space to touch, I could orgasm in any position I chose to try. On my back, stomach, knees, sitting on my feet, on all fours leaning on the couch, in the bath, and standing up. I had never had an orgasm during sex before and with the help of my hand, I was able to do so over and over again. This discovery was wonderful to share and with it came the desire to let go even farther. I stopped hiding my face when I orgasmed during partner sex. I turned on the lights. I sought out eye contact when I came, and all the while I continued to touch myself.
Wanting to further this self loving practice even more, I extended it to other parts of my body and, in doing so, discovered eroticism in places that I didn’t know could be sexual at all. My left hand became my lover – softly touching my ears, hair, mouth, the space between my fingers, the stretch marks on my stomach, my cesarean scar. Every inch of my body was capable of feeling erotic when it felt the touch of a lover. I became that lover.
by Natasha | Apr 20, 2015 | Bodysex workshops, Orgasm Coaching, Posts, Self loving/masturbation |
I’m in Betty Dodson’s apartment listening to her explain what is involved in Orgasm coaching. I have come to New York to defend my Bodysex certification thesis – which ended up not needing to be defended – and for Orgasm Coach training. Aside from running my own Bodysex workshops, I want to be able to provide one on one help for women who are unable to orgasm or who are struggling with their orgasms. Betty explains that the only way to learn to teach something is by doing, so she is about to coach me through my own orgasms. We share stories and laughter and for the first time with her I feel like a peer. This surprises me considering how much I look up to her. But in her stories I see and hear that she’s human, that she doesn’t always have the answers, she’s always learning and that sometimes she fucks up. I feel her vulnerability at times, as well as her pride, joy and fear. My stomach already aches from laughing at her never-ending dirty jokes – dirtier than anyone my age could get away with. Hearing the voice of my grandma mimic a guy masturbating is enough to put me in tears of laughter. At the age of 85 Betty speaks alternatively like a trucker, a mother, a guide, and a lover. She doesn’t hold back, or try to be perfect and never stops making me laugh.
In the space with her I know that I can be me. Exactly as I am – the good and the bad – and I’m not sure that there is a person in the world that I am more honest with. She has seen me naked, lovingly held me while I opened my vulva to the women in the workshops, held space for me while I cry and has heard my stories. Some I am proud of and some I’m not. Through it all she accepts my honest “I’s” and loves me as I am. In my sharing with her today she looks lovingly at me and says “You’re human Natasha.”
As part of my training Betty leads me through the genital show and tell. I have done this three times before and I don’t feel nervous at all. Close enough so that her arm is over my open leg, and we both can see the same image in the mirror in front of me, she begins by telling me how beautiful I am. These words never lose their power and I feel instant pride in my vulva. Guided through the exploration I discover parts that I hadn’t before and, surprised by this, I am reminded that how we see things is constantly changing. My eyes aren’t the same eyes as they were when I did this back in November and I am grateful for these new eyes to see.
With the genital show and tell complete she leads me to a massage table and asks me to lay down. The room we are in is like a womb and the smell instantly takes me back to all that I experienced before in this space with other women. I feel safe and held as Betty explains the process while constantly finding ways to place her hands on me. She checks my jaw to make sure I’m relaxed, touches my heart, my face, my stomach. She asks me to touch myself and watches with pride in my technique. In my thesis I explained how healing it was for me to learn to touch myself with my own hands and this was one thing that she said she hadn’t really considered. She explained that she grew up touching herself with her hands and almost took it for granted as normal – not realizing how difficult it can be for some. My story reminded her how much this touch needs to be encouraged as a way of connection with self – regardless of whether it ends in orgasm or not.
So with Betty’s constant encouragement and guidance she held space for me to bring myself to orgasm not once – but three times. She was ever so careful to support and encourage when she saw me arch – which cuts off my sexual energy- and yet always stepped back before I came. She stressed that it is important to “Never let your client give you credit for their orgasm. This defeats the purpose of what we are teaching.” So in tune with a woman’s body and how they respond to pleasure she knew exactly when to step in and when to just observe. She marvelled at the pre orgasmic jolts going through my body and explained that they are my sexual energy. I knew exactly what jolts she meant but hearing this explanation was fascinating to me.
On and on she watched me build and pull back, torturing myself with what she called “the best kind of torture.” As my sexual tension built Betty encouraged me to make noise. Normally I would do this already but something about being watched was holding me back. I followed her advice, moaned and instantly orgasmed. Anything that we hold back is holding a part, or all of our orgasm back and this is true for sound, breath and movement as well. As she led me towards my second orgasm she encouraged me to bring the sound out from my stomach or power centre as she called it. To do this she guided me with sounds of her own – very deep, guttural almost ape like sounds – and I instantly came again. I could not believe the difference and intensity in feeling I got from bringing this sound out of my stomach rather than my throat.
After my final orgasm Betty used the vibrator to carry my sexual energy from my vulva, through my belly, heart, throat, forehead and out the top of my head. She held it for a long time on my head and asked me to say my name. “Natasha” I replied. “Say I love you Natasha” she said. “I love you Natasha” I said. Then with tears in my eyes she carried my sexual energy back down through my chakras to my vulva again.
My favourite part of the day was at the end sitting with her and again sharing stories, going over details of the training, asking questions and drinking champagne. I think of all of the women she has helped through the years and I feel so proud to have her blessing to carry on this special work. I will show up naked and hold space for other women with humility and vulnerability, showing my weaknesses as well as my strengths not pretending that I have it all worked out or that I am perfect. I am learning too.
Thank you Betty for being my teacher.
All my love,
Natasha
