by Natasha | Aug 7, 2015 | Q&A |
Dear Natasha,
I’ve heard other women talk about having multiple orgasms but I’ve never gotten one. Sometimes after I have an orgasm I feel like I’m not finished and I want more but my clit is too sensitive to touch. How can I learn to have multiple orgasms?
Thanks,
B.
Dear B.,
Great question! One of the best things about being a woman is that we are all capable of having multiple orgasms. Sometimes women mistake the after shocks of a single orgasm as being multiple orgasms. Having multiple or “serial” orgasms mean that you have more than one orgasm in a session and that each new orgasm has its own build up. The build up can be quick and take just a few minutes, or it can take up to an hour. Because your clit is still at least partially full of blood, from the previous build up, it often takes less time to achieve a second or third orgasm and the subsequent orgasms are often bigger and better.
I used to think that I could only get one orgasm at a time, and even if the one I got was huge, I wondered what was wrong with me that I couldn’t just keep going. It turns out that our mind is the biggest inhibiter of achieving things sexually, so if you think that you can’t do it – you won’t be able to. Since I always love a good challenge, I decided to practice and masturbating is the best way to practice any orgasm skills. You are alone, you can set the pace, and there is no one to judge you – except yourself! Ha ha. I started by setting a timer for an hour because, when you have it in your head that it is never going to happen, it can feel like it’s taking forever. Setting a timer eliminates the pull to check the clock which, in turn, helps you to stay focused on the physical sensations in your body and stay out of your head. After the first orgasm just keep going and sooner or later you will find that you are on the edge of another and so on.
To cope with the feeling of my clit being too sensitive to touch, I learned to use my breath. If you have given birth you might be familiar with breathing techniques to cope with pain during labour. Breath can also be used to help with the extreme sensitivity in your clit after orgasm. Try practicing different breathing techniques – breathe faster, deeper, longer, inhaling all the way in and exhaling all the way out – while also softly touching the area surrounding your clit. You will quickly discover what kind of breath helps with the sensitivity and you will be amazed how fast you are able to get back into another sexual buildup. It’s our instinct to hold our breath and pull back but doing so is counter intuitive. Breath is the life blood of your orgasm. Always remember that. Once you master this technique you will be able to match your breathing to any strong sensation you feel – like staying on the edge of an orgasm to make the build up and release greater.
As soon as you’ve had a multiple orgasm once it’s like your brain is rewired and you’ll be able to do it again and again and again. Changing our sexual patterns takes commitment – just like changing any pattern does, but it’s well worth the effort. This could be like a whole new world for you!
If you are with a partner that hasn’t achieved this skill (both men and women are capable of having multiple orgasms) don’t feel like you need to stop just because they’re done. You might find it best to get one or two in before they orgasm, or you just keep getting yourself off after they fall asleep beside you. Your primary relationship – sexual or not – is with yourself so give it all you got!
Lastly if you do learn to have multiple orgasms but don’t feel like it all the time – or ever – that’s okay too. Some people get caught up on “giving” their partners as many orgasms as possible and won’t rest until this is achieved. This pressure leads many women to feel the need to fake orgasms in order to please their partner. Don’t fall into that trap. An orgasm is an orgasm, is an orgasm. Just do what feels best for you.
Enjoy!
Natasha
by Natasha | Aug 5, 2015 | Orgasm Coaching, Orgasm coaching testimonial, Posts
This past Spring I travelled to NYC to defend my thesis as a Bodysex facilitator and also to train under renowned Sex Educator, Betty Dodson, to become an Orgasm coach. Since then I have coached several women and the more experience I get, the more I learn to make it my own. During my training, Betty encouraged me to let instinct be my guide and to not be afraid of doing things differently than she does. For the most part I have stayed with her method but I have also added some aspects that reflect my own beliefs and values.
A couple weeks ago I coached a woman who sent me this testimonial afterwards:
“I am excited to practice my new skills, by myself and with a partner and I also believe in my own ability to get there with time! You have really helped me overcome insecurities that I’ve had with my body for many years and helped me take new steps to loving all of me! You have also given me new confidence and helped to become closer to my true self. Yesterday’s experience was more than I could have hoped for and I hope you know how truly incredible you are! You are beauty and thus instil beauty in others!”
The coaching relationship always begins when a woman makes the initial contact with me. Depending on who she is and what her wants and needs are, we often email back and forth several times before finally meeting. If she lives close by I like to meet in person before the actual session, so that she can get a feel for me and me for her. Every woman has unique reasons for wanting the coaching and the more I know about her, before the actual session, the better I am able to support her. Some women have never orgasmed, some can only orgasm with toys and want to learn to use their hands, some want to learn to orgasm in front of their partner, some feel guilt about fantasizing, some have vulva pain, some want to combine masturbation with partner sex and some just want to build on the skills that they already have in order to have deeper, full body orgasms.
After we talk, we do the genital “show and tell” together. Including myself in the show and tell – as a participant and not just a guide – is something that I have incorporated into my coaching. I believe so strongly in the power of shared vulnerability and how it helps us with acceptance of who we are as well as the body that we are in. To do something that requires vulnerability, in the presence of another woman, bonds you together and makes you feel stronger. We need this. After identifying, and learning about all of the parts of our vulva’s we move onto the orgasm practice.
This is another area where I have added my own style. I personally don’t do well with reading or hearing about different techniques and find it beneficial to have them demonstrated to me. So, as the coach, this is what I do. If a woman isn’t comfortable with me demonstrating on myself then I would respect that and teach her in other ways, but so far this way of learning – through watching and doing – has always been welcomed. Once I have shown her different ways to move and touch I focus my attention on encouraging, guiding and teaching her. While I have several toys available for her to learn with, my passion is in guiding women to learn to pleasure and connect with themselves using their own hands. I believe strongly in the importance of learning to touch ourselves with as much intent and love as we would touch another person. Hands are always available and there is no denying the power of skin to skin contact – even if it’s our own skin. Once we have this knowledge we can share it with our partner – with our own hands becoming the teacher. At this time I teach the basics of sensate focus touch, which involves learning to focus on the sensations of the touch and encouraging her to incorporate this into her life alone and/or with a partner.
Guiding and sharing space with a woman as she incorporates her entire body into the build up and release of her orgasm is a privilege beyond measure. Each time I learn as much – if not more -about myself and my own orgasm practice as she does and I am grateful to be able to do this work. For more information please check out my page //natashasalaash.com/orgasm-coaching/
by Natasha | Jul 31, 2015 | Q&A |
Q&A
Dear Natasha,
I don’t like how the inner lips of my vulva stick out of my outer lips. I am embarrassed to let guys see me naked or go down on me. I have looked at porn and the woman don’t look like me. Is something wrong with me?
Thanks,
M.
Dear M.,
This question is extremely common and one that I hear so often from women. In fact I used to feel ashamed of this in myself and tried to push my lips in so they wouldn’t stick out. Please listen to me when I say that there is NOTHING at all wrong with you! Vulva styles vary greatly (as you can see from Betty Dodson’s drawings at the top of this post) and the style that you are referring to, where the inner lips are bigger than the outer lips, is the most common style. It is unfortunate that today’s porn rarely contains representations of this style and this is hugely damaging to women’s body image. The current trend seems to be in favour of tiny inner lips tucked into the outer lips. While this vulva style is beautiful as well it isn’t the only or best way to be. Many of the women in porn undergo a surgery called labiaplasty in order to obtain that look. Vulva’s – like penis’s – are all different but they are all normal. There is no one way that a vulva should be.
When I do private orgasm coaching or run Bodysex workshops, we always do a “Genital Show and Tell” as part of it. This is where we open our vulva’s up and find our clitoris, urethra, vaginal opening, and inner and outer lips. Most women have never properly looked at themselves in this way and they are astonished by what they see. During this “show and tell” I explain and demonstrate different self touching techniques to help women learn different and better ways to bring them selves to orgasm. These demonstrations involve clitoral stimulation of the external clit, but that’s not all. The more inner lips that you have, the more skin there is to touch therefore there are more things you can do with them. These lips are full of nerve endings and touching them helps to give your entire clit(inner and outer) an erection. The more you play with them the better your orgasm can be. I love teaching these techniques but you can learn them yourself by taking the time to try out what feels best for you. Also for women who have extremely sensitive clits the lips can be used as a barrier over top of the clit when rubbing.
We are beautiful as we are – big lips or small lips – and I never tire of seeing each woman’s uniqueness. My suggestion to you is to get naked, grab some coconut oil, and start loving those big lips of yours. Be grateful for all of the extra nerves you have that will bring you to greater heights of pleasure. Be grateful that they can be sucked, pulled and teased by a lover who loves you just as you are. Give your vulva a hug with your hand and tell her that she is okay just as you are okay – exactly as you are. If anyone tells you that you should look different or that you aren’t okay they aren’t worth a minute of your time. LOVE those vulva lips!!!
Take care and enjoy exploring pleasure,
love Natasha
To view more real vulva’s go to //www.labialibrary.org.au/photo-gallery/#
by Natasha | Jul 29, 2015 | Posts
This past week someone that I love very much unwillingly shared with me a story of something she had done and felt deep shame about. Tears spilled out of her eyes as she quietly spoke, struggling to keep it all together and obviously deeply afraid of the judgement she feared from me. Looking at her I saw beauty in the way her lips curve and how smooth and clear her skin is. I saw scars on her shoulders as she turned away to hide her deep, dark eyes that hold memories only she knows. I saw vulnerability in her shaking chest and in how she used the back of her hand to softly wipe rain drops of tears off of her cheeks. I saw her with all of the love that I always see her with – that part hadn’t changed – but what had changed was that I also saw me.
One of the most difficult parts of this journey and work that I am embarking on, but also the very part that drew me to it, is that I am constantly having to look into my mirror image and so very often I am shocked by what I see. Touching myself with love and intent is more intimate than sex with another because there is no “other” to turn to, to blame, to seek. Whether my touch is sexual or not – I am forced to bring it all back to me because I am alone in the room.
Alone with myself I can’t hide behind grievances. If I don’t orgasm I can’t blame someone else’s lack of skill. I can’t rely on someone else’s hands to make me feel better, to numb feelings that I don’t want to feel, to ignore parts that are broken, to tell me I’m not that bad. This self loving practice means going deeper into my whole self and the difficulty in that is that my whole self doesn’t always feel deserving of love.
I am in constant contact with other amazing women who are seeking Bodysex certification and what we discuss and support each other with the most, is this struggle. The constant looking inward to unending discoveries of not only our strengths but also our weaknesses. The feeling that we have taken 10 steps forward and then 20 backwards. We commiserate about how easy it would be to just be a “normal” sex educator who can fire off endless lists of “10 ways to be better in bed.” When you add the “other” there is someone else to blame for everything but also someone else to seek from. “They don’t touch the right way, move enough, or make enough sound. I’m not getting what I want. I need more from them. I want him to see me.” In a way this leaves us a slave to someone else’s validation and response to us. Needing that response means that without it – or when it isn’t quite enough – we feel like something is always missing. So we keep seeking it. I keep seeking it.
I wanted to learn to practice self love so that I wasn’t a slave to others opinion of me. So that even if there was no one else to touch me I would know that my own touch was just as good because no one could possibly touch me with more love than I have for myself. I wanted to bring myself to my sexual experiences and actually have something to offer – not only the other – but myself. I could bring me to every experience and it might. just. be. enough.
Some days I feel madly in love and I can’t get enough of every inch of my body. I feel beautiful, alive, sexually empowered and a part of something much greater than myself. On other days nothing feels like enough and I can’t run from what I see inside. I struggle to feel any love for myself beneath my fingers. In order to find this love I not only touch myself but speak out loud words of affirmation: “I love you Natasha. You are okay just as you are.” This touch and these words are an act of compassion for myself and choosing this means that it is easier for me to find compassion for others.
After she stopped crying and with tears pouring from my own eyes, I looked at her and with complete conviction I said; “Thank you. I see you and I see myself in you and all I feel is love for you. That means we are both okay.”
The image in my mirror will never be untainted. I will never stop wanting validation or love from others. I will never stop messing up. That is my humanness. But the gift in all of this self loving – and being unable to look away from my beauty and my ugliness – is that all of it is an act of compassion for myself. And in choosing this compassion for myself it is impossible not to choose it for others.
by Natasha | Jul 20, 2015 | Body Image, Partner sex, Posts, Self loving/masturbation |
I wake up horny but alone in my bed. I know that I should get up and take advantage of the quiet house but my body wins over my mind and I decide to just rub one out.
Making breakfast for kids and a jar of jam that I bought at the farmers market slips out of my hand and smashes on the tile floor. I look around at the sticky mess and I want to scream but instead I finish helping the kids with breakfast then sneak off to rub one out. All of a sudden cleaning doesn’t seem so bad.
Kids gone, working on my classes I know I should maximize my time alone to get stuff done but all I can think of is that there is no one here and I need to do some other “research.” Back and forth I list reasons in my head why I should do the “right thing” and study. Fuck it I say and I go rub one out.
Driving alone and blissfully fantasizing, I’m suddenly overwhelmed with desire and the need overtakes me so I pull over, hide in the back of my van and rub one out. Back on the road again I’m a better driver because of it.
Home cooking dinner, folding laundry while kids run in and out of the house. Feels like complete chaos and this “witching hour” before dinner is always the hardest hour of my day. Needing some kind of boost to keep me from losing it on everyone I head to the bathroom for a much needed “break” and go rub one out. Returning to the kitchen I’m super mom, flushed and glowing I finish the cooking and laundry with a huge smile on my face. I can do anything now cause I just rubbed one out.
Kids all tucked into bed and it’s time for a bath. It’s been a full day and lowering my body into the hot, soapy water feels just right. At this point all is well but I’m once again alone and we all know where this is going. Time to rub one out. Just. because. I. can.
Bedtime now and one might expect that after all that rubbing out I’ve used up all of my orgasms. This couldn’t be more wrong because, as a woman, the more I get – the more I am reminded of what I want. Not only do I feel light and free but all of the self loving means I feel extraordinarily beautiful too. Ready for more – only this time I’m not alone in my bed…….
