I am a man who has become dependent on porn. I can’t get off without watching it. How do I get past that? I don’t want this dependency to impact future encounters I have with partners.
J
Dear J,
Thanks for the awesome question!!! Porn addiction has become increasingly common and is especially prevalent in men and teenage boys. Behavioural addictions, such as porn addiction, share the same fundamental mechanisms and brain changes as drug addictions do. In this sense, addiction is one condition. In order to help you I need to give you a clear understanding of what is actually happening to your brain from continuously watching porn.
* Note – I do not think that porn is all bad. I think it has it’s place and can enhance a person or a couple’s sex life. What we are talking about here is how dependency on porn can affect real life sexual encounters.
When a person is sexually stimulated by something dopamine is released by the brain to send signals to other cells. This release causes a high – as sex stimulation produces far more dopamine levels than any other natural reward can. So the more a person feels rewarded or sexually stimulated, the more they will seek out stimuli which then increases the amount of dopamine released from their brain. In your case internet porn is hijacking your dopamine as it provides endless novelty, searching, seeking, anticipation, shock and surprise. When your dopamine levels start to drop, it takes only the click of a mouse to get the dopamine reward circuit going again.
While addictive drugs and foods have limits to the amount that they can be consumed, high speed internet porn is always at your fingertips and there are new genres and fetishes being introduced daily. When a person becomes addicted to porn they become dependant on this reward circuit for their sexual arousal. As constantly changing videos replace a persons’ imagination, the need for greater and different rewards to feel sexually stimulated increases. High levels of dopamine tell your brain that this activity is really valuable and that you should do it more and more, leading to desire for increased stimulation therefore becoming an addiction.
This addiction leads to sensitization or hyper-reactivity to the addiction. Sensitization occurs when the brain wires together sights, sounds, smells, sensation, emotion and memories associated with a big reward (masturbating to porn). This creates a pathway that inundates our reward centre and, when activated by anything associated with porn, causes intense cravings. This activation is so powerful that even turning on a computer can trigger it – similar to an alcoholic who can feel an intense craving when watching a beer commercial, or driving by a pub.
Sensitization then leads to desensitization which is a numbed pleasure response. This occurs with chemical addictions as well as with porn and involves chronically low dopamine signalling which urges the addict to seek out dopamine surging activities. The images that once excited the addict no longer gives the same “hit” of dopamine and the person will feel an intense craving for more. Desensitization leads to tolerance so higher doses will be needed to achieve the same effect. These doses will come in the form of shock, surprise and anxiety as porn users escalate to new genres. In this way addictions become the source of stimulation.
Everything else in the addicts life becomes dull and less exciting – including enjoyment from real life sex. This overwhelming desire to feed the porn addiction and boredom with other parts of their life is essentially what constantly drives the addict back to the source of the reward – porn.
When you are conditioned to internet porn, sex with a real person may not meet expectation and unmet expectations cause a drop in dopamine therefore killing erections or the ability to orgasm. The disparity between real sex and getting off to porn is huge. Real life involves touching, being touched, body scents, interaction with a person, emotional connection, it’s not voyeuristic and the action can’t be controlled. This real life situation is completely different from a porn addicts experience of sitting, touching only yourself, no interaction, no emotional connection, watching the sex happen and controlling the kind of sex you want to see. In this sense even if you think that the woman you are with is the hottest woman in the world, your brain has been programmed to seek out something different.
Hopefully after reading this you can understand what is happening to you to cause this dependancy. In order to stop the addiction you need to stop activating the porn sensitizing pathways and start building real people pathways. With time and disuse the porn pathways will weaken and, by building sensitization to real people, touch, intimacy and emotional connection you will make those pathways stronger. If you are dependant on porn for your sexual response it is essential to stop using porn altogether. This includes all porn substitutes such as magazines depicting any kind of nude or semi nude women. You have to stop training your brain to be a voyeur rather than a participant. For some men this also includes eliminating masturbation or reducing masturbation, while others are able to masturbate but train themselves to only fantasize about real people while doing so.
If you don’t have a current partner I encourage you to stop watching porn and masturbate fantasizing about sex with a woman that you are interested in or one from your past. It may take time and practice for you to learn to orgasm this way but it will happen. You need to be patient and understand that it takes your body time to change it’s previous pattern. You may even notice symptoms of withdrawal and be unable to get an erection or feel turned on. This too will pass. (Please email me again if you are noticing withdrawal symptoms) I also recommend you buy a “pocket pussy” or any toy that mimics the feel of a woman’s vagina rather than the feel of your hand. When I do orgasm coaching for women we focus on training to be able to orgasm during sex with a partner and not masturbation alone. Anything can be learnt with practice. Another thing that you can do is to learn to focus on the feeling of the stimulation on your penis(be in your body) rather than staying in your head. This can be done by learning sensate focus touch.
I hope that this helps you. Please don’t hesitate to write me again and let me know about your progress or if you have more questions. Thanks for your bravery in asking this question. I know that many men and women struggle with this same issue. For more information check
Dear Natasha,
I am 18 years old and have never had or intentionally tried to give myself an orgasm. My close friends and best friend are all very sexual people, and we openly discuss sexuality in such a positive light.(They’re experienced, I am not) I am very interested in embracing MY pleasure, but I’ve never masturbated before. There is a toy that I’ve been looking at getting, but should I experiment with myself first? And how do I go about doing that? I’m inexperienced in all aspects, and I want to learn! Thanks a bunch.
C.
Dear C.
Thanks for your question! I hear from so many women (many much older than you) who have never masturbated before so your question is very common. It is good that you are asking me now as it get more difficult – though not impossible – to learn as we age.
I think that you are right about experimenting with yourself first before trying toys. Toys can be a great addition to a persons sex life (with others or themselves) but they can also hinder things as it is easy to become dependant on them.
Have you ever touched your vulva? I recommend that you take a mirror and some coconut oil and sit down naked with the mirror between your legs. While touching your vulva softly with the oil, try to identify all of the parts – your clitoris, inner and outer lips, vaginal opening and your urethra if you can find it. It is important to look at our vulva and understand all of the parts as the first step towards body acceptance and embracing pleasure. You can find these parts at //www.labialibrary.org.au/anatomy/ if you are unsure of where they are. Remember that vulvas are like snowflakes and that each one is unique. Some have big inner lips and some have little but, whatever your style is, it is completely normal. You might even notice that your vulva resembles a seashell or a flower.
After this I suggest you start touching your vulva. Touch all over your lips and your clitoris and see what feels best to you. Every woman is different so it is important to explore yourself and figure out what you like. Set aside an adequate amount of time to touch so that you don’t feel pressured to orgasm. You may orgasm this first time or it may take several times of practicing before you do. This is okay. Like trying anything new it can take many tries before we learn. Some women like to rub around and around, while some like more of an up and down motion. Just listen to your body and follow what sort of touch feels right to you.
Once you learn to orgasm by hand you could try buying a basic vibrator and masturbate with that as well. Many women make the mistake of putting their vibrator directly on their clit. This will often bring a woman to orgasm but it can also numb your clit. It is more effective and makes for greater orgasms if you move the vibrator all around your genitals so that your entire clit can become engorged. Your clitoris is much more than the external structure and is comparable to the size of a penis on the inside of your body. This means that when touching anywhere on your vulva you are in fact indirectly touching your clit. I also recommend practicing building to orgasm with internal penetration as well as external. Whatever you do try to vary your practice. It is easy to get “stuck” in one position or one way of orgasming. This is okay except that it can become a problem when you begin to have sex with a partner. This is why I also recommend alternating bringing yourself to orgasm by hand and vibrator if you choose to add a toy.
Just remember to not pressure yourself, to have fun and to just give yourself the time to learn and build this skill. The sexual relationship that you have with yourself with be your primary sexual relationship throughout your life. Enjoy it!!! Please let me know how it goes and if you have anymore questions.
Happy orgasms!
Natasha
Dear Natasha,
I’ve heard other women talk about having multiple orgasms but I’ve never gotten one. Sometimes after I have an orgasm I feel like I’m not finished and I want more but my clit is too sensitive to touch. How can I learn to have multiple orgasms?
Thanks,
B.
Dear B.,
Great question! One of the best things about being a woman is that we are all capable of having multiple orgasms. Sometimes women mistake the after shocks of a single orgasm as being multiple orgasms. Having multiple or “serial” orgasms mean that you have more than one orgasm in a session and that each new orgasm has its own build up. The build up can be quick and take just a few minutes, or it can take up to an hour. Because your clit is still at least partially full of blood, from the previous build up, it often takes less time to achieve a second or third orgasm and the subsequent orgasms are often bigger and better.
I used to think that I could only get one orgasm at a time, and even if the one I got was huge, I wondered what was wrong with me that I couldn’t just keep going. It turns out that our mind is the biggest inhibiter of achieving things sexually, so if you think that you can’t do it – you won’t be able to. Since I always love a good challenge, I decided to practice and masturbating is the best way to practice any orgasm skills. You are alone, you can set the pace, and there is no one to judge you – except yourself! Ha ha. I started by setting a timer for an hour because, when you have it in your head that it is never going to happen, it can feel like it’s taking forever. Setting a timer eliminates the pull to check the clock which, in turn, helps you to stay focused on the physical sensations in your body and stay out of your head. After the first orgasm just keep going and sooner or later you will find that you are on the edge of another and so on.
To cope with the feeling of my clit being too sensitive to touch, I learned to use my breath. If you have given birth you might be familiar with breathing techniques to cope with pain during labour. Breath can also be used to help with the extreme sensitivity in your clit after orgasm. Try practicing different breathing techniques – breathe faster, deeper, longer, inhaling all the way in and exhaling all the way out – while also softly touching the area surrounding your clit. You will quickly discover what kind of breath helps with the sensitivity and you will be amazed how fast you are able to get back into another sexual buildup. It’s our instinct to hold our breath and pull back but doing so is counter intuitive. Breath is the life blood of your orgasm. Always remember that. Once you master this technique you will be able to match your breathing to any strong sensation you feel – like staying on the edge of an orgasm to make the build up and release greater.
As soon as you’ve had a multiple orgasm once it’s like your brain is rewired and you’ll be able to do it again and again and again. Changing our sexual patterns takes commitment – just like changing any pattern does, but it’s well worth the effort. This could be like a whole new world for you!
If you are with a partner that hasn’t achieved this skill (both men and women are capable of having multiple orgasms) don’t feel like you need to stop just because they’re done. You might find it best to get one or two in before they orgasm, or you just keep getting yourself off after they fall asleep beside you. Your primary relationship – sexual or not – is with yourself so give it all you got!
Lastly if you do learn to have multiple orgasms but don’t feel like it all the time – or ever – that’s okay too. Some people get caught up on “giving” their partners as many orgasms as possible and won’t rest until this is achieved. This pressure leads many women to feel the need to fake orgasms in order to please their partner. Don’t fall into that trap. An orgasm is an orgasm, is an orgasm. Just do what feels best for you.
Enjoy!
Natasha
Dear Natasha,
I don’t like how the inner lips of my vulva stick out of my outer lips. I am embarrassed to let guys see me naked or go down on me. I have looked at porn and the woman don’t look like me. Is something wrong with me?
Thanks,
M.
Dear M.,
This question is extremely common and one that I hear so often from women. In fact I used to feel ashamed of this in myself and tried to push my lips in so they wouldn’t stick out. Please listen to me when I say that there is NOTHING at all wrong with you! Vulva styles vary greatly (as you can see from Betty Dodson’s drawings at the top of this post) and the style that you are referring to, where the inner lips are bigger than the outer lips, is the most common style. It is unfortunate that today’s porn rarely contains representations of this style and this is hugely damaging to women’s body image. The current trend seems to be in favour of tiny inner lips tucked into the outer lips. While this vulva style is beautiful as well it isn’t the only or best way to be. Many of the women in porn undergo a surgery called labiaplasty in order to obtain that look. Vulva’s – like penis’s – are all different but they are all normal. There is no one way that a vulva should be.
When I do private orgasm coaching or run Bodysex workshops, we always do a “Genital Show and Tell” as part of it. This is where we open our vulva’s up and find our clitoris, urethra, vaginal opening, and inner and outer lips. Most women have never properly looked at themselves in this way and they are astonished by what they see. During this “show and tell” I explain and demonstrate different self touching techniques to help women learn different and better ways to bring them selves to orgasm. These demonstrations involve clitoral stimulation of the external clit, but that’s not all. The more inner lips that you have, the more skin there is to touch therefore there are more things you can do with them. These lips are full of nerve endings and touching them helps to give your entire clit(inner and outer) an erection. The more you play with them the better your orgasm can be. I love teaching these techniques but you can learn them yourself by taking the time to try out what feels best for you. Also for women who have extremely sensitive clits the lips can be used as a barrier over top of the clit when rubbing.
We are beautiful as we are – big lips or small lips – and I never tire of seeing each woman’s uniqueness. My suggestion to you is to get naked, grab some coconut oil, and start loving those big lips of yours. Be grateful for all of the extra nerves you have that will bring you to greater heights of pleasure. Be grateful that they can be sucked, pulled and teased by a lover who loves you just as you are. Give your vulva a hug with your hand and tell her that she is okay just as you are okay – exactly as you are. If anyone tells you that you should look different or that you aren’t okay they aren’t worth a minute of your time. LOVE those vulva lips!!!
Take care and enjoy exploring pleasure,
love Natasha
To view more real vulva’s go to //www.labialibrary.org.au/photo-gallery/#
Sometimes when I have sex with my husband it feels like his penis is going too deep and hitting something inside me that hurts. This happens mostly when I’m on top or if we do it doggy style and the pain is really sharp. His penis is normal size and I have had sex before him with a bigger penis that didn’t hurt. Can you help me?
Thanks,
D.
Dear D.
Thanks for your question! You are definitely not alone with this concern as I hear it often from women. It feels like his penis is hitting something because it is. It’s hitting your cervix. An interesting fact that many people don’t realize is that when a woman is aroused, her cervix/uterus actually lifts. This lifting is called “ballooning” and it adds length to your vagina making room for deeper penetration. So if deep penetration is hurting you I suspect that you are not adequately aroused when you have sex. One of my favourite things to demonstrate, during a private orgasm coaching session with a woman, is this cervical lift. When she first puts the dildo inside her vagina it will usually only fit half way. I put a mirror in front of her vagina to show her this and, after she stimulates her clitoris for awhile, I bring the mirror back so that she can see that the dildo is now all the way in. Most women are blown away by this.
It’s a sad fact that many women are having sex when they aren’t adequately aroused. If you and/or your partner take enough time to touch your clitoris before penetration, this pain won’t be a problem. Having deep sex – before your arousal is sufficient to lift and move the uterus and cervix out of the way – is going to hurt. The key to pain free penetrative sex is understanding that it takes a woman 20-30 minutes of adequate clitoral stimulation in order for her to be fully aroused.
Once a woman is aroused positions where she is on top or behind are great for penetrating that deep place. In fact many women talk about how amazing deep penetration feels and they like the feeling of the head of a penis gently nudging their cervix. Deep penetration also feels fantastic for the man because it’s almost like his penis has entered another room. Being deeply penetrated while at the same time stimulating your clit externally can make for one of the most powerful orgasms that you will ever have. If you are trying this during doggy style make sure that you have something like a couch to lean on so that you can comfortably free up one hand.
I recommend that you take the time to show your partner how you like to be touched before and during penetration. Teasing and touching a woman until she can’t take it anymore and needs that penetration seems to be a lost art. I think we as women can and should do our part in teaching it. If he isn’t patient enough or doesn’t know how to touch you the way that you want, then you can do it to yourself while he watches. Hopefully he will learn something and you will get the arousal you need for that deep spot.
Let me know how it goes.
Natasha
